You're right Miss IC, it is your choice. I truly hope you can find forgiveness for IC. I do scratch my head though at why you didn't let him know this in private? Why on here? Is this the only way you are communicating?
No, we've been talking...he knows. Having never gone through something like this, I'm looking for feedback but ultimately it's my choice on how I want to proceed with IC.
As an outside observer, I think you are making a good choice, Miss IC. And if he can't understand what you said there, well, I'm sure he can. It was CLEAR! Good luck to both of you!
No, we've been talking...he knows. Having never gone through something like this, I'm looking for feedback but ultimately it's my choice on how I want to proceed with IC.
Looks like it's Christmas early for some people. You're a lucky guy IC. Don't ever let that one go.
((((Miss IC & IC)))
I knew I'd get those hugs in somewhere, in the right chronological order.
Good luck you two. And invest in a few rolls of very heavy barbed wire. Good fences make good neighbors, and all of that.
Hey girl. Big hug to you. I understand. All of it. You are not being weak. Your confusion is normal. Your anger is normal. Your leaving is normal... doesn't matter what time of year it is.
You are normal. You are not crazy. You are not being mean.
Take each day as it comes. Honor your feelings. Be true to yourself and you will find your way.
Thanks Dry Heat, Southern Girl, and Corri for the support.
Southern Girl, I will be tending the fences pretty heavily and IC had better be doing the same. Hindsight is 20/20 and having looked back at how we were at the time of the f*ck-up, there was not much tending going on...for either of us. We both were in serious danger of this happening to either one of us.
Corri, I'm not beating myself up over this. I've actually been amazingly clear, for me anyways, on my thinking. The hurt is still there and will be for a long, long, long ass time. I don't feel mean about my boundaries...they are what they are and IC will have to abide by them if he wants to make amends. When and if you get time, I would love to discuss some boundary issuse with you as you seem to have gotten a firm grasp on yours.
After having some time to think about all of what has happened from then until now, some things came into play that swayed my choice to allow IC and second chance. Things had not been good for the IC's for a long, long time...we were very disconnected from each other. I can't speak for IC, but I feel that we had lost some of our desire for each other and it was to the point of being on the verge of divorce....and personally, I didn't care!
About a month ago, I stumbled upon his stash....a small fortune in self-help marriage and relationship bulding books with the pages well worn from his many readings....he cared!
Eye-openers come in many forms...some are painful. There is no doubt in my mind that we were headed for divorce, revealing a ONS, would have sealed the deal for me. An eye-opener for IC? Only he can answer that, but looking back at the time line of his actions...I can only believe that it was. The books, the arrival on these boards, the changes that he made to himself for himself, but also for the sake of hopefully saving our marriage. It was working, things were good for us...no I take that back...things were great for us! Desire for him has been at an all time high.
I think back to the fork in the road...IC took the path of a ONS. Where would we be if he had just eaten his meal, watched the game and went home? Nobody will ever know, it didn't happen...but would have another eye-opener appeared? One can only guess.
People can condemn IC for what he did...I know I have. I get the feeling from talking with him and from what I know of him, that nobody will condemn IC more than IC himself. His past actions have showed me that he cares and why I'm giving him another chance. His future actions will dictate my forgiveness. It's there IC, it's there for you to have if you show me what I think you can. Knowing you IC I do, the hardest person he'll ever get forgiveness from is himself and I'm hoping someday he'll find it in his heart to do so.
I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday season and thank you all sooo much for the support.
A special thank you to Saffie and Red for all the e-mails...you two are sweethearts.
Wow, Miss IC, I have to give you credit for getting to this place so quickly. You are a stronger woman than me for sure. Just don't be surprised if you struggle now and then to stay the course. It is so hard. Those old resentments have a way of creeping back in. Just be aware of them. And of course, IC's response to you will be critical. Hope he is man enough for the challenge. Have a nice holidays.
I have to admit that I have felt like a voyeur watching this thread develop. I have wondered whether this communication was appropriate for the board or good for you both. While I do not know the answers to these questions, I have learned that you are an amazing couple. Miss IC, you seem to have a great, quiet strength about you that will serve you well in this difficult journey. IC, you have been beat up pretty good on here so I won't rehash that which you already know. On the other hand, you could have let Miss IC continue with her free floating anxiety rather than summon the courage to confront the issue. That you chose not to, even with the very real possibility that your action would leave you to fight your serious health battles alone and lonely, shows me the depth of your remorse and sorrow for your indiscretion. It is obvious that there is a lot of love between you two. Good luck to you both.
Gone the carvings and those who left their mark. Gone the kings and queens, now only the rats hold sway.
I add my applause and hugs to the IC's. Miss IC, you said you wondered what would have happened if IC had just gone straight home that night... you'll never know, but sometimes disasters can change the course of things for the better way down the road. NOT saying what he did was right or good, and he (or you) certainly could have delved into the realm of relationship books and BB's without this event triggering IC's panic, guilt, and feverish search for a solution, but that's not the way it happened. It's possible to permit a good outcome to occur from a bad event.
I'm thinking of this quote by Japanese poet Masahide: "Barn's burnt down. Now I can see the moon."
Hugs and the very best to you both. You can learn from this. You can heal. There will come a time where this issue doesn't color every interaction. Do the work but look forward to a better tomorrow.
IC, you have been beat up pretty good on here so I won't rehash that which you already know. On the other hand, you could have let Miss IC continue with her free floating anxiety rather than summon the courage to confront the issue. That you chose not to, even with the very real possibility that your action would leave you to fight your serious health battles alone and lonely, shows me the depth of your remorse and sorrow for your indiscretion.
Balto, Only got a minute, rushing out the door to go see my dad. What you're saying is what weighed so heavily on my decision. Yes, IC had things to gain by coming clean, but I feel they were so outweighed by the risk of what he had to lose but yet he came forward. It showed me a lot about him and what you said..the depth of his remorse and sorrow for his indiscretion.
Lilly, Thank you. I'll talk later....mom's already got the girls in the car and ready to go.
Is this the only way you are communicating?
You're a lucky guy IC. Don't ever let that one go.