Waiting for WAW to come back, patience is a virtue

[DaveJ]

I know...the things they do just seems so illogical and it's frustrating.

I'm taking bets that potential OM would pop right back as soon as the D is final. It would certainly get around his Christian morals by then.... I would told that she has never felt anything like that when first meeting someone. Not her previous R, not with me. Supposedly this guy feels the same way. He thought he was just looking for friends, didn't expect that.... *roll eyes* He is such a great guy bla bla bla, and he loves kids etc etc. Of course he has never been married and has no experience with kids. He tells her she's irresistible to him and that she's amazing. Hook, line, sinker. Just the thing to tell someone who has low self esteem and blames her H entirely for putting her at that point. I'm so scared for my kids and yet there's nothing I can do about it....

On a side note, I was also told by W that when initially we got married and she asked me if she can continue to contact xBF, I should've said absolutely no (and supposedly she would've been ok with that). But later I when I did it, she felt I'm going back on what I said and refuse to do that any longer. What a bunch of BS! I guess nice guys do get screwed! I thought I was being nice since she claimed he's just a very good friend and no more. I trusted her! She never really got over him even though he cheated on her. So guess what? I was the rebound guy that end up marrying her.

So yes....I have a lot of anger, bitterness, frustration that's rolling through me right now. I really want to just go off on her. But what good does that do? And afterall, I'm the bad guy in this marriage. It doesn't matter what she did. Oh yeah, she also proclaimed she has no issues and there's nothing to fix. Seriously makes me wondering what our R would be like if she wants to come back.... She feels that potential OM would be supportive of her and then she would be happy and get through all her issues. Talk about a disaster waiting to happen.... How can she just jump into something else just like that when the D papers hasn't even been filed yet. If it wasn't for the guy backing away (ATM) she would've jumped head in. My S is already going through all this stuff with us breaking up, he doesn't need some new guy coming into his life and making him even more confused.... That's why they suggest you wait a year or two before doing that for the sake of the kids! *sigh*

And yes, I'm still very conflicted. I like being married. I like having someone in my life. And yes I'm feeling very lonely. I'm sure it will just get worse while watching her being with someone else. I'm not the type of person that can just casually date around. It does absolutely nothing for me. I miss the deep emotional connection. If I'm going to do something I put my heart in it. That means if I move on, I'm moving on and I'm going to be looking for somebody to be with. At the same time, if the mother of my children wants to come back, how can I say no? I'll end up hurting someone. And for the sake of my kids I fear I would drop everything and take my W back.

[DaveJ]

Wow I feel like I got hit by a semi today. As if all the emotion I'm experiencing just hit me all at once. W made a picture calender of the kids for me as a present for xmas. I just broke down and crying as soon as I opened it. Right now I just feel like such a failure. I feel like I failed my family, my kids for screwing up the M. I should've went to MC when she asked for it. D*#n John Gockman for writing in his book that most MC are quack! That got stuck in my head and I ended up refusing to when we still had a chance.... Yeah I'm just having a really bad day.... The holidays are just whacking me hard.... Plus I've spent almost 3 days taking care of the kids all by myself and staying at the house while the W has strepp throat. So I'm getting really attached to them even more and it's getting pretty emotional for me....

[Sara]

Dave,

So why is MC a one time opportunity. Why can't you go now? She wasn't serious about it if she said that was the only chance for MC. She is just blaming you once again for her own inability to commit to a marriage.

[DaveJ]

Sara, she's refusing to go. Said she's done, it's too late. Basically she has moved on and is only interested in dating other people. She said maybe a year or two down the road she may change her mind once she lets go of her anger. But I'm fairly certain she'll probably find someone and either be in a long term R or married by then. I'm very confused as to if I should move on once I'm ready or wait a bit for my kids. I still love her very much. It's certainly tough to see her with other people. Piles on my loneliness without a female companion.... I do feel that once I make the decision to move on, I won't look back and I'm not sure if I can do that to my kids.... Of course I don't feel like I want to marry for a long time. The lack of commitment from the first M from my W has certainly made me a bit running scared.... I'm not sure I have the conviction or will to wait her out. I fear my desire for a deep connection with someone will make me cave in and move on....

[Sara]

I just don't understand what "I've moved on" means when someone is living in the house you provide, and doesn't earn her own living. She hasn't moved on at all. She is just sitting on a little throne being perverse. You should make her "move on" if that's what she wants to do.

[DaveJ]

The only reason she's still living there is because I care about my kids and I want them to live in a decent place. I really don't care to get nasty with her. It serves the kids no good if we come down to that. I still want to leave the door open for any future reconciliation. I have no doubt that if I make her move out she would and she would find the means make do. And we would spend thousands on litigation. A complete waste of money and in the end my kids suffer.

I've been really down today.... However, I feel I had a moment of clarity while I was on top of the jungle gym playing with the kids at the playground. Odd isn't it? I feel that if God has plans for us to be together again he will work his miracles. I'm tired of trying to keep us together and keep holding out for hope of us. Maybe God means for us to be apart for now. Maybe he wants me to work on me, and maybe he wants to show her something. I am exhausted and spent. Am I open for us to be together again? Yes. Am I going to keep sit around and wait for her, probably not. I will try to get my life together and get through this. Then whatever happens happens. If God brings us back together, I would be overjoyed. If not, perhaps God meant for someone else to be in my life. If I don't work on having myself be happy first, I don't think I would be attractive to anyone whether it is my W or whoever.

I'm sure I'll get down again. Tired of the rollercoaster, but I guess it's just part of the process.....

[FLTC]

Hey Dave,

I just had to finish counseling an officer who works for me, who always professes the whole "Christian" thing too. He's been stalking female enlisted soldiers for "company". He told me that it was completely "above board". Five, young, single enlisted Soldiers who he has by 20 years and 5 ranks! Why didn't he look for married female majors and lieutenant colonels for "company" or better, OTHER males? He's married with four kids. We call that fraternization here, because it can poison an organization when those in leadership positions lord their rank over others for their own ends. He has much bigger things to worry about right now. He's now the proud owner of a letter of reprimand from our general! A career ender. Not that I have anything about being Christian, but it's a pet peeve when you throw that out there ALL THE TIME, and wear it on your sleeve for all others to see, and act in such a hypocritical manner! C'mon!

[Dom R]

The only reason she's still living there is because I care about my kids and I want them to live in a decent place. I really don't care to get nasty with her. It serves the kids no good if we come down to that. I still want to leave the door open for any future reconciliation. I have no doubt that if I make her move out she would and she would find the means make do. And we would spend thousands on litigation. A complete waste of money and in the end my kids suffer.

Without litigation, you cant "make her move out".. but nor can she force you to stay out.

Seems like for your whole marriage, you never put your foot down for marital principles.

How about doing a major 180 now... plus giving a present to your kids... and moving back there for Christmas?

If your kids would like you there... then go be there for them, if nothing else. "Merry Christmas, Kids".


This is your decision to make. No-one else's.

[DaveJ]

FLTC,
I'm not sure if your comments are direct at me or her potential OM. For me, it's a personal choice that I made recently. It doesn't matter what other people believe or don't believe. It's not my place to give out judgment to anyone, including my wife. I have my opinions, but that's different. I certainly don't proclaim anything other than I now believe in God and I'm trying to find solace in him through this awful time. What other people do is their own business as long as it doesn't impact me or my family. As for my W, I can sit there and tell her she's a lousy Christian and she's picking and choosing what she wants to follow and etc (she says she's a liberal Christian...), but that's not my place. I already told her what she does is between her and God in the end.

As for OM, it is very annoying people go around touting that they are "strong" Christians, have the holier than thou attitude, but pick and choose what they want to follow when it's convenient. It was what turned me away from being a Christian all these years. Of course I'm sure what's in between his legs certainly overrides all his principles once he thinks there's a chance with my W. I'm quite certain he'll pop back up again when our D goes through. It certainly won't impact his high morale standards when she is D.

Dom,
Actually I have been living at home, albeit sleeping on the floor. W has strepp throat so I've been taking care of the kids for the past several days. So at least I got to live at home for xmas, which is nice. It's so nice that in the morning my S comes and jumps into my bed, even though it's rediculously early. I really missed that.... I'm sure I have to go back to where I stay tonight, but I am thankful that I was able to spend a ton of time with my kids in the past few days.....

[DaveJ]

Well, it's been kind of a crappy day. First, W has sent off the D papers to an online processor. So the process has started....

Anyhow, W found out that potential OM does not want to talk her or give her an explanation of why he won't talk to her. So she's totally down about it. Ironically I don't really feel great about it. To me, if it's not him, it'll be someone else. It makes me sad that W has chose to do this and that she's hurting now. It does break my heart to see that she's hurting despite the situation. I'm not really sure what to say to her. I'm very frustrated since here you have a guy that loves her and cares about her and would do anything for her, yet she sits there complains about no-one loves her and she'll be alone for the rest of her life. *roll eyes*. And of course there's no way I will say, honey, it's ok, you'll find somebody better. Well, uh...the better somebody is ME!

Also today I realize a bit more how much anger she's holding in. She holds all that in and doesn't usually show it. So it's very misleading to me. She said something along the line of with the way she feels now, even if she's still alone in 3 years she would rather be alone than get back with me. *sigh* How can anyone be so bitter and hold that much anger?

So then later on MIL called and had a short conversation with W. Basically MIL wanted to talk to the kids, and since the kids are getting to bed, MIL said she'll call the next day. Well, W kinda guessed I talked to MIL the night before and presumed MIL is pissed at her now. So she blows the cap on me and tells me I ruined their mother/daughter relationship. All I said to MIL was that I wasn't ok with the divorce and I didn't want one. W previously told MIL that everyone's ok with it. Probably she feels like she's a liar now. Well, I'm not gonna lie to the MIL and tell her I'm ok with the divorce when I'm not. I ended up calling MIL to make sure she wasn't angry and she wasn't. She laughed and said she just thought W was busy putting the kids to bed and so she said she'll call tomorrow. MIL just wanted to know what the kids got for xmas. Sheesh! Talk about major misunderstanding. But of course W is still pissed at me anyways.