I read that somewhere too, Wii. I think the obsessing over not forgiving oneself, comes from a place of guilt. I have forgiven myself for my shortcomings in the M. I still have guilt over some of my parenting in the past. Oh well, I know I can't go back, but can only move forward, and try and do better. I think that's all anyone can do in any situation.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I think forgiveness and letting go is so hard b/c it makes us feel vulnerable - if we let go, we allow ourselves to be open to being hurt again. By holding on to our hurts, we try to use them as a shield to protect us from further hurt. I have a brother who lives his life this way. He is an angry man and I fear he will never change. And now, I fear that I myself am falling into this pattern. To forgive and to let go takes bravery, something I have difficulty finding in myself.
And then I try to think, "what's the worst that can happen if he is still cheating on me?" I suppose if that were to happen, and I fear that right now, I would have to walk away and close the book on my M and admit that I had failed. Perhaps that is my greatest fear, that that which I wanted most in life is something I was unable to achieve.
I suppose I need to do more GAL-ing. You inspire me to get to that place where it doesn't really matter, where you know why you are doing what you are doing and you have made peace with what has happened. You sound very strong and very brave to me.
This is a couple of days late, but Merry Christmas to you and I wish you a peaceful New Year.
FA
What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.
FA:43, H:42 D:7 M:10 yrs, T:24 yrs EA:?, PA:1/06 S:3/07 EA/PA ongoing Aborted attempt to move home 07/08
Yep, forgiving and letting go could be the them for the new year. If nothing else, here we learn all we can do and then we can start fresh and satisfied when we start out anew.
Hi y'all! Hope you all had a lovely Christmas and New Year. We went away for a few days to our previous city (12 hour drive). It was interesting to see my nieces, sister, and some cousins (visiting from my home country), and I loved seeing my D20 again with her little baby. Unfortunately, I did not like seeing her idiot boyfriend, who is 35 and sporting a red, full mohawk. Ugh! What a clown! Can we say MLC!???
Anyway, as good as it was to see my sister, it was also very enlightening to observe a person who has never been able to let go of past resentments, grudges and is very defensive and has to always be 'right'. I fear myself getting to be that way. I last saw her about 2 years ago, and she is harping on the same stuff from when she was a child, and something our brother did some years back. All I could say was to just let it go, and yes, it was awful what he/they did. (BTW, my sister is 9 years older than me, so we kinda come from slightly different generations in a way, but I always felt she resented my intrusion when I was born, since she then had to share a bedroom, etc. There is a long story to this so I will leave it at that.)
In the meantime, my M is going as well as can be. My H is still travelling, although he was able to take off between Christmas and New Year, and this week too. So, we have spent some time together. I still feel a distance between us, and things are certainly not back to 'normal', whatever that is. I wonder if we have ever had a 'normal' M. We always seem to have one crisis or another. I do know this ... if he had/has a PA, it is over for me. The EA I can work through, but I doubt I can go beyond that. That would be it for me.
I start my new job next week, and I hope it goes well. We may have the opportunity to travel to my birth country in March, so I don't know how to approach the new boss to ask for that time off so early into the job. I guess I will cross the bridge when I get to it. I will be working 20 hours per week, so maybe I can offer to work full-time, to make up for the 2 weeks away.
Well, this is turning into a novella, so I will leave the update at that.
Take care, y'all!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Thanks for the good wishes for my new job! Much appreciated! So far, so good .... just a matter of finding out where everything is, being introduced to all the new people, setting up computer, etc. Lovely view from the building, of the sea and islands in the distance.
No other news to report. Still trying to improve my mood, and attitude. I think I'm pretty much in a fairly good mental state ... just the odd thing that crops up from time to time, and not just to do with H, but also kids, other family members, etc. I just have to keep remembering that I have to be okay with myself, and then I will be able to deal with all the stressors in my life a lot better. I also have to absorb as part of my psyche, that I have nothing to truly complain about ... I am so blessed with so much, that I feel selfish and ungrateful when I have a thought of how things might've been, or could've been, or a momentary regretful feeling from my past. Things could've been sooo much worse, and in fact my life is far better than I could've ever have expected.
So! Onward and upward!
Thanks for checking in, y'all. I love to read your sitches, and I really appreciate it when you visit my thread.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
