Here we go 'round in circles...

[SDFoundGirl]

Jen,

It's a shame H went to LW's party ... yes part of me thinks he "should" have not gone but then that sounds like controlling ... and no-one wants a R where the other person feels compelled, it all has to be out of choice. But what could you have done? yes, say you'd prefer he didn't but that he was free to go, but then even that may have sounded a little like controlling. it's a tough one.

No, actually I don't think it's controlling. I had to do a lot of work around that...because expressing your true feelings is not controlling. Now, if I'd said something like, "I don't want you to go, and if you do I think it's going to hurt our M," that's a lot more controlling to me. Would he have liked the way I should have said it? Would he have liked my feelings? Probably not. However, I am only responsible for my feelings, not his. I think the key piece is that I would have been being true to my own feelings and saying them because it was the honest thing to say, not to elicit a particular response from H. Make sense?

Ok - your H being a pleaser - mine too (although nowdays he's not a complete pushover like he used to be). And so it leads to a family holiday you're not 100% happy with, but I can see you will make the best of it. Do you maybe feel that H is pushing you down on his list of priorities? I sometimes feel like this, that work, the gym, having a quick pint come first before me. In my case, i've paid attention and note that sometimes I come firsst, sometimes second, sometimes way down the list. As long as some of the time I come first I'm happy to let the other times drop. But I sense it may be different for you ... do you ever feel as if you come first with H?

H is getting better I suppose, and I am learning to accept this part of him. But...do I ever feel first? Not much. Rarely. If I'm honest, I can't tell you the last time he put me first. H tends to not be able to multi-task, so whatever is most pressing on him gets his attention. Work gets busy, it's 100% what he's focused on. His family is bickering about what restaurant to go eat at or what we should do, and that's 100% what he's focused on. When I turn up the heat in MC, that's really the only time I'm first...but then a new crisis or whatever comes along, and that's where his attention goes. It's like he can't sustain anything for me...and so I guess somewhere I kind of question why he's in this R. But I can't stay in that place mentally...it feels bad, and it takes the focus off of working on me and GAL. I can't do anything about how H feels, and he pretty much doesn't talk about it, so I have no way of knowing what's in his mind.

If he were to be putting you first sometimes, what would he be doing? I'm fishing here ... remember in the DR book it states that we should be specific ... what does "more intimacy" look/feel like to you (if you answer this question remember this is a family website, LOL). Communicating that to H, maybe could help? If you've already done it maybe try again?

More intimacy would look like ease and comfort with each other. It would be actions that showed he enjoyed my company and looked forward to the time we spend together. It would be hugs and kisses and come ons. It would be having sex more often...lots more often. Hell, 70-year old couples STILL have sex 3x a week, and we're not even at that number in a month. Intimacy would mean I let my guard down...that I didn't second guess myself or measure my actions by how he reacts or what I think he might think. It would be open communication on his part (I've got some work to do, but I'm light years ahead of where he is)...about what he wants and needs from me. It would be KNOWING that going to LW's party might cause me pain and choosing not to go. It would be making US a priority instead of offering excuses like work's crazy or whatever else gets in the way. It would be playfulness and fun and joy. It would be tackling problems that come up together. It would be the belief that I'm not the "bad" one...on both our parts I guess.

Hard to write that out...because we're so far away from that. And I'm tired and STILL freaking sick right now (2-weeks and counting) so it's making it more difficult to keep up my PMA. And we still have family time with his dad this week (H's parents are divorced), so I'm not free. As soon as I am, though, I may take off on my own for a few days. At the very least, I'm going to treat myself to a facial and a massage!

Ok - onto you.So stuck in Hawaii huh? Gosh, life gets hard - wanna swap? It's flippin' freezig here!!! I'm joking of course. I'm off work now until Jan 2nd - woo hoo - so if you need some rant time chances are I'm gonna be around. If it all gets a bit much let the steam riase off the keyboard.

Actually, just got back from Hawaii tonight. Good to be back! Hawaii is beautiful...but honestly, my best advice is to get the h*ll off of Oahu and go visit the other islands. The traffic is HORRENDOUS, people are cranky, and Waikiki is over touristy. Not my kind of place...I prefer more secluded, naturey stuff. But it wasn't bad overall...I got to see some great stuff, and I got to set my intentions for the year at a really beautiful spot right on the ocean. That was my favorite moment of the trip.

And I'd love to go to England, cold or not. H and I are talking about taking a trip to Europe in the spring, so I may be asking for your expert advice.

Have a great Christmas and vacation. And thank you...one of the things I listed on my "gratitude" side of my intentions for the coming year and appreciations of the past year was the people who have supported me via this website. How wonderful is it that we can reach out to others around the globe in similar situations to make sense of the pain and craziness, to develop friendships and receive support?

Anyway, to anyone else who's still reading this thread, know that you are appreciated more than you could ever know.

SD