Need advice on prognosis of R - opinions?

[Jen1967]

My H moved out late September. He immediately went to L the same day to start separation papers and headed over to his OW house. Since then he has repeatedly said it's over, but within last 4 weeks seems interested in talking about his needs and what we would do differently "if"...

He switched the papers over to rough draft D papers in late October because of a huge blowout argument we had. But my L wrote letter back to his L saying "bring it on" and haven't heard anything since from his L. Ball is in their court.

Also when I ask if there's any hope, he says none. But he has been saying things like, "You look really good lately... Why are you so social lately? Why couldn't you be like that when I was home? You seem happy."

I found out his "errands" he needed to run this weekend and the reason he can't see the kids (and didn't call them at all) is that he took OW to NYC for the holidays. I also found out he scheduled trip to Yellowstone in Feb with OW. His lease at apartment is up in March.

At what time do you let all hope die? Is there any hope here? Is it time for him to start taking the kids to his apartment every other weekend instead of coming to the house to see them 4 times a week (which kills me, because he sees me too and I get "false" hope.)? In other words, is it time for me to give the last last resort technique? No comm except about kids. I'm scared to cut off potential progress of late. His words are sometimes slightly hopeful, but his actions say he's got plans that don't include me.

BTW, He is coming over here XMAS eve and sleeping in guest BR to be here XMAS for when kids wake up. I am so mad about trips with OW, but I can't confront because he'll know I have access to tracking what he's doing and my L said don't let him know I know because he'll go more secretive,plus if it goes to a D it's best to have info you can surprise them with in court. If it wasn't for the kids I'd tell him to forget XMAS eve.

I am afraid to mess up the potential of reconciling, but if he's already made up his mind and has committed to her, then I'm wasting my time. Why would he be stringing me along? Is there a reason anyone can think of other than he's confused? Is there a selfish reason he could be stringing me along that isn't hopeful for me at all? Does it sound like he's serious about her? This is like the most hideous game of chess.
Help!!! Need advice!!!

[Michael Mc C]

I wouldn't bet the farm on it but I think the best thing to do is to act as if he truly believes there is no hope. If he keeps saying that the D is coming my advice would be to continue living your life without trying to get him back. You look good? Continue looking good. Don't do it to try to get his attention, do it for you.

This doesn't mean let hope die. This means that right now, unless he begins pursuing you, you need to forget you want this marriage to work (again, this is my opinion - I haven't been too successful with this yet).

Don't ask him whether or not there's a chance. I read in someone else's posts that the WAS is like a skittish animal in the forest. Once they are feeling comfortable with you, they'll approach you and take a bit of food out of your hand. If you make any movement though, they'll take off for the woods in a flash.

I've seen that with my wife a couple of times. We'd get close and I would bring something up and she would set of the D alarms all over again.

If he's showing interest, great. Continue what you're doing and let him start the conversations. Let him pursue you. Hope this helps.

[Jen1967]

Yeah, I am seeing similar behavior to the frightened animal in the forest with my H.

What are you doing with your kids? Do you see the kids together, or hand them back and forth on weekends? Mine might be a little different situation because I have a very little one.

[Michael Mc C]

Well, I'm one of the "lucky" ones. My wife and I still share the house. She has moved downstairs (she moved out of the bedroom as soon as the OM showed back up).

I do count myself lucky but for the kids' sake mostly.

I heard her tonight asking a friend of OM's if he had spoken to OM at all. She mentioned he is being selfish and immature.

I can't believe she has the ability to recognize those traits!

[theotherhalf]

I am afraid to mess up the potential of reconciling, but if he's already made up his mind and has committed to her, then I'm wasting my time. Why would he be stringing me along? Is there a reason anyone can think of other than he's confused? Is there a selfish reason he could be stringing me along that isn't hopeful for me at all? Does it sound like he's serious about her? This is like the most hideous game of chess.
Help!!! Need advice!!!

We all ask ourselves and the good people on the boards these questions. over and over and over again.

Truth is...there are no answers out there. No one knows what will be, not even your H. You just have to follow YOUR heart and do what is best for you and your children. They are lost, we pray they find their way. We pray they will return. But NO ONE can see into the future and what will be will be.

God bless you and be with you Jen.
Bottom line is TAKE CARE OF YOU and the rest will take care of itself.

TOH

[Jen1967]

Thank you so much for your posts. I am at a very low spot. The holidays aren't helping. And my H's lousy timing to be absent when the kids miss him this time of year isn't helping. Sometimes I really look forward to reading these posts because I know I'm not alone. It really does help.

Thank you again for listening and caring.
Jen