I used to be jealous of those of you whose spouses are still under the same roof. It seemed like that was the majority of my comrades here, and I was one of the minority. And it seems impossible to realize any true benefits from DB'ing when the WAS has you out of the picture and can effectively ignore your changes. And going dark, or GAL is invisible and has less impact on the W because she's not around to see it.
But while I still wish that my MIL was not squatting over at my house, and making it nigh impossible for even the possibility of an in-house separation, I now have come to realizing that that this physical separation has allowed me to better heal. Every time I interact with my WAS, as infrequent as it now is, I again feel the sharp stabbing pain of her hostility. I recall the lack of respect from my W and her seething anger and pent-up rage that caused so much grief in my life, and contributed to my severe depression. I just realize now that without that persistent hostility weighing on my subconscious, coming as it did from the one person I had swore to love the rest of my life, ... it has actually been a relief.
I realize now that God had saved me from a worse fate, that had this persisted much longer, I would not be here as I am today. Yes, this all still hurts so very much, but had my pre-bomb situation persisted, I would have broken down and collapsed, spiritually and mentally.
You are so very strong. I really admire you, Lwb. I know that if you can survive the "meat-grinder" of constantly being exposed to your spouse's foolish transgressions, you can make it separated from that. Yes, it is terrifying, especially at first, but no more so -- you've already been through worse.
The only regret I still have is what this is doing to my S's -- this is not easy on them. It never is, despite what anyone tells us.
