Lil: I'm at my house alone tonight Lou: Alone???? What about all your cyber friends? I know cyber isn’t as good as in the flesh some times. Anyway, I think a few people are thinking about you.
You're right, Lou. Cyber friends are very special. Thank you.
Karen, bf has put up some decorations at his mom's apartment, and I've been lighting Hanukkah candles there. I'll be going back over there later today because I didn't bring my ankle's ice bath with me here. I have another doc appt tomorrow morning. Bf has to take his mom to chemo (she didn't have it Friday as originally planned), so I'll have to get myself there. The only thing I really need on an excursion is someone to put the wheelchair back in the car (I can get it out myself).
Bf's mom finally got a diagnosis of non-Hodgkin's lymphoma, which as most of you probably know, is bad. That's the stuff my good friend died from... diagnosed in February, gone by June. That was seven years ago, and there is a new drug, Rituxan, that is giving great results. But she's 89. How much time can she have in a best-case scenario? months? a year? a couple of years?
He is so closed off and remote and focused on her care (as I was with my late H) that he is going to hit a brick wall at full speed when it happens. There's really no way to prepare for it, or take steps in advance. Even when a death is expected or anticipated, when it HAPPENS, it's such a wrenching shock.
He has his AA group, and his therapist. I don't know if he will look to me for anything or not. He's not looking to me for much now. Although he is still performing Acts of Service. He's keeping my ice machine supplied with ice, and yesterday he put oil in my car. That's how he expresses love. No sweet words, no kisses, no hugs. And now *I* don't have my Happy Pills anymore.
I'm glad you will be getting out a little. It is a shame that there isn't much in the way of Hannukah specials to watch on tv. Not everyone celebrates Christmas but you would think so by the media representation.
I am so sorry about bf's Mom. Non-Hodgkins is not a terrific diagnosis. Is she a fairly healthy 89 year oldotherwise or is she frail? A lot seems to depend on the person.
I'm familiar with receiving the many and sundry acts of service. My H is into those too. Ah well, in your state you need those so just be sure to request a few things that would be meaningful to you.
I'm a giver, true, but not necessarily in a healthy way. I give more and more and do with less and less for myself until one day I look up and realize I'm on a starvation diet. I'm like the frog who gets put in the pot of water, then the pot goes in the freezer. He doesn't know until it's too late that he's frozen to death.
The ironic thing is that my bf says I'm "demanding"-- which couldn't be farther from the truth. He sees all women as demanding. I had another bf who had major issues with women in general. I do see a pattern in my relationships. My instinct is telling you that I need to feel loved, to be cherished, pampered and fussed over. My behavior does not support this instinct and has not supported it in the past.
My late H did make me feel loved and cherished, but his medical problems eclipsed just about everything. I don't idealize my relationship with him-- I think I see it clearly: he was a very good, loving man, but his health eroded his sense of himself and he fell into depression-- who could blame him? He was the best and most loving of all the R's I've been in. I still feel him with me.
I'm not sure that it matters that much for me to figure out exactly what's going on inside of my bf. Like eating a porcupine-- too many spines to get through even if there is a tasty interior. Besides, that keeps him at the center of my thoughts... and he's been there WAY too much as it is.
I'm not unhappy at the current turn of events, now that I'm getting used to it. We've talked on the phone a few times and he's made no mention of getting together, or even of me coming to his mom's apt for dinner. At first that bothered me, but I'm thinking more and more like a single person again and planning my own activities.
This ankle thing is really a blessing in disguise. It has forced me to confront and recognize where I fit into his life. I see us morphing into friend-friends. Let's (by that I mean ME) face it, he really isn't all that interested in seeing me or being with me. If he were, he'd find a way to be with me from time to time without leaving his mom in the lurch either.
I've got to remember: when my DH was alive, I KNEW what it felt like to be loved. This isn't it.
I do believe he loves me in his way. I want us to continue to be friends, if only because we're neighbors, we own two dogs, I love his daughters, his house is 1/2 mile from my health club, we have many ACTIVITY things in common. But my romantic/emotional eggs are not safe in his basket.
Thanks, Lou. Monday I go to the ankle doc and he said he may take the cast off so I can get my leg wet. I still won't be able to put weight on it for two more weeks, and when I'm out and around, I'll have one of those blue/black boots with the velcro closures. I don't regret this happening at all. It's been an enlightening experience, people have been soooo nice to me, helping with the wheelchair and all-- all in all, it's been a very positive chapter in my life. It has forced me to look more to myself and less to bf. (The coincidence of his mom's illness has helped, too.)
Well, today I felt able enough to go out and buy a car! Drove it home and everything. How's that for independence???
I called bf a couple of times, just checking in, and each time he was pretty short with me. An advantage that I have in fading out of this R is that I don't really have all that many happy memories. I have a few, but they're separate and encased in lucite. They don't connect and form a structure. Each one is nice, but they don't add up to much. It's a case of the whole being less than the sum of its parts.
SEE you had a good car. It could have been worth $15K.
. I have a few, but they're separate and encased in lucite. Dang Grinch anyway. Or was it some other Seuss charachter that put everything good in plastic?
Sorry bf was so unfriendly. I would have gone with you.
You mean you would have gone with me to buy the car? I didn't invite him!
It's a 2007 Saturn SUV with 26K miles on it (still under original warranty). Got it for $18,000. It's dark green. Odd you should mention vermilion-- that would have been my first choice in color, too.
Today bf was out at his cabin-- the way I knew this was when the dogs showed up at my back door. I called him and asked him if he wanted to see the new car. He said sure, so I drove over. He liked it a lot, said I got a really good deal. Then I asked if he wanted to go to the grocery store with me. He said, no, he's got too many things to do, "after all, tonight is Christmas Dinner." I said, "Oh?" He said, "Oh I guess I didn't have time to tell you. At mom's apartment. Both girls will be there." He has always been notorious for this! He and his kids would come up with some plans and no one would tell me... I was always invited, it's just that no one would bother to INVITE me.
This whole thing is becoming SOOOO clear.
OTOH, his mom has been having intermittent episodes of severe pain at the base of her ear (back of the jaw). I find this very worrisome... she could last another couple of years, or she might not make it through the weekend... impossible to say.
Just no black, please. Too hot in the summertime and I got tired of black working with the boys in the group home. Black was their favorite color. Same with the guys being released from the 1/2 way house connected to the jail. Black everything except for red/blue head scarfs. Another thing I would rather not see.
You mean you would have gone with me to buy the car? I would do that for almost anyone,(they have to live in my town though) it they wanted me to go along. I would even look at kbb.com and edmunds.com/ and a few other sites, like I did, when I bought my car to see what other people actually paid for their cars. It cuts out some of the dealer's sales pitch. You know what is real and what sounds like blue sky.
When I bought my Aveo, I printed out a page from Edmunds to show the dealer what other people paid for their car. I made it easy for the dealer. The printed- out page price or I didn’t want the car.
Well, if you didn't invite bf, that is OK too.
Then I asked if he wanted to go to the grocery store with me. He said, no... I think he should have gone just to be enthusiast, show support about your purchase.
I was always invited, it's just that no one would bother to INVITE me. Sounds like a guy thing. Some guys don't officially invite their best friends but run under the assumption what is his, is almost yours.
I wonder if he got so much grief when he invited someone while living with his X, that he still operates that way now.
I have to have everything just right to please BB, sometimes I talk about inviting people to our house, drop hints, test the waters etc, but only invite someone over if it looks like BB and the other party would really like the event to take place.
BB thinks people really don't want to come to our house.
This whole thing is becoming SOOOO clear. What? As in like friends, and only friends????
The "only friends" is how my older widowed sisters think/act. I see the same pattern in other over 50 people. They claim they like their independence too much to be in a LTR. Everyone is different, so maybe bf has other thoughts.
Congrats on the new car! I'm sorry things are not going as well as you would hope with the bf, but it sounds like you are getting a grasp on your own position and feelings about the relationship. ((((((( Lilly )))))))
I usually take this time of the year to take a step back and relect on the past year...see the good along with the bad. It's been a busy year in both departments for the IC's....Lil, you've played a big part in helping me along with trying to work out the good in my life and I'll forever be grateful to you for what you've done.
Wishing you a happy holidays Lil and here's to hoping that the new year rings in a bunch of good for you. Take care of that ankle and yourself.
