I cant DB - I cant - I want to - I want my M back - I want my family back but how do you DB when you are so torn between wanting H back but wanting to kill him also for what he has done by A and what he is doing now by living with OW. Had bad moment the other day - supposed to be going dark since slim chance he will change mind since we are in div court(keep hoping cause he came back once before but left again after few day) - D upset about divorce before I know it I was anti DBing and sent him an angry email "Do you know what you have done to our D? How could you be this kind of male role model for our D - how could you want life of div for our D going from house to house, exposed to OW, caught in middle of parents? blah blah blah - H relpies back "I left becuase of you and I shall never return" then I email back "you left because of me"? when you were with me for 14 yrs before we had a child and no ties - you could have left then - dont you think having a small child, the fact that you are 47 and maybe hit a MLC and had an A had something to do with it? But its all my fault right? I went on and on - I did not ask him back in fact denied I had emailed him at all thinking that - was just thinking about how hurt D was. He never replied again. THen realized what I had done - pushed him toward div again so sent one final email telling him even though I moved on and we are doing fine it hurts to see D upset sometimes and I'm sorry I attacked him we should have both worked on our M more so lets just move on be good parents to our D. No response. I know I screwed up and pushed him farther away and now that may be it - the div will go through. Then he was supposed to drop off D's gifts today and he just stuck them in door to avoid me and gave him whole list to get and he just got 4 gifts. We have no other relatives around and I am a stay at home mom just trying to get by on $ he gives me for everyday items. He is picking her up on xmas and taking her out for few hrs - bet he is saving other gifts so he can give to her instead of santa - he better not be taking D to his new apt since judge said not allowed since he is living with OW and they will have to investigate if "romantic" relationship since he says no. I unwrapped all the gifts and I will rewrap them - cant stand thought OW might have wrapped. ARGGGGGGG - I am so angry at him!!!!!!! How can I possibly DB when one side of me hates him for having an A and still involv. with OW!!! And you know I have never been a jelous possesive W - in fact opposite - hes always been a flirt but I trusted him - now it eats me alive!!!!!! I wrote this log instead bec I was just about to email him again saying snotty "Did OW wrap gifts"? But I wrote this instead.
Good job Ellis by not sending another email. Remember, the more you let his behaviour affect you, the less he cares. Its so weird how that works.
When my W knows Im hurting and obsessing and angry, it basically gives her the go ahead to go have a great time and not even think about our sitch.
But when Im detached, thats when I notice that she struggles. She will call or send me an instant message.
THe point is, let him go. Truly let him go Ellis. It's ok to let go, it really is. It doesnt mean you can never be back together with him. All it means is that right now, theres NOTHING you can do to make him reconsider.
Let go.
Hurtin: 32 WAW: 30 D: 8 Bomb: 10/05 Sep: 12/05 Back together 8/07 Bomb (OM): 11/07 Filed for D (me): 12/07
There's no denying that DB'ing can be difficult. In the end you are the only one who can decide if it's a worthwhile venture. I've been exactly where you are as far as being torn between which way to go and even now I find myself struggling at times.
Ellis, you've handled yourself well so please don't beat yourself up about sending the emails. Any time I feel that I've pushed or had a bit of a backslide I try holding onto the memory of it so I don't it again - doesn't always work!
And posting here, getting your emotions out this way, is so much better than approaching him with it. You did great with that!
Latest Thread
Me: 39/W: 37 D13-D11-S8 M/T 14/20
EA confirmed: 9/13/07 D-Bomb: 9/19/07 OM Gone since 12/18/07 W wants to fix marriage: 3/16/07
Thankyou all for your response - I will let go and move on. H4C your right there is nothing I can say at this point to him to change his mind - he has to be the one to change his own mind.Sgc and Micheal I will cut myself some slack - Thanks - You know I was feeling really sad earlier thinking H is leading the single life out with OW and then I thought you know what I'm the winner because I have my little girl every day. I looked at her and it was xmas eve and I thought I wouldnt want to be with anyone else or anywhere else - and I was able to let go - I hope the feeling lasts. THanks
Merry Christmas! I know what you mean about the feeling with your daughter. I have a D that's coming up on 4 years old. I want my M to work, but ultimately as long as I have D3 in my life I'll be okay.
We're here for you. Have a good day.
SueS
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
Thanks H4c - my thoughts were with everyone too going through this xmas and it was a comfort. Well D6 just revealed to me she has already met OW twice and H has already taken her to his apt to meet her and her D. I dont know how something could turn over in me so fast when Idecided to let go and I thought "Oh" so there it is - its been done. Hes not supposed to take her to his apt or introduce her to OW until court guardian looks at his place and decided if D6 is ready to be exposed to OW since she is only 6 and everything has happened so fast since 9/07 and we are not even legally sep. yet. I did not feel the rage I thought I would - a few days ago just the thought of it ate me alive. I asked her how did it make you feel and she said not good, I did not like it and dont want to go over there again. So, heres my dilemma. Theres no communicating with H. ANything I email even it is very calm and just asking him to please not bring her over there again right now because shes not comfortable he will just take as I'm jelous and probably will just take her over there more and will just not respond to me or I can say if you take her over there again you cant see her until we go back to ct on 1/17 in which the same thing will happen - no response and he will just not see her for 3 weeks becuase he has done that before in the last few months when he thinks I am giving him a hard time. So I thought whats done is done I guess I should just let it go and tell D she needs to tell Daddy she does not like to go there. But heres my dilemma - as her mom isnt my job to protect her and keep her away from sit. that make her "not feel good". Is it her job at 6 to be the one to tell H not to take her there which I also know he will pay no attention to bec. right now he thinks anything she says also has to do with "moms jelous and told you to say that". What do I do? Nothing seems right.
You're right. But if it doesn't work and he distances you have to weigh that. It may help to have the court mediator tell him...it may not.
Your instincts are good...it just all sucks.
One thought you might want to try sometime...Michele's daughter Danielle is a therapist who works with children of divorcing parents...and I think she's out of the DB center. They may have some resources or references available.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
