formless utterings...

[sgctxok]

why would you say that?
I havent kept a "full thread", so maybe you're just guessing in the dark here.


blah, blah, blah. ..... this is not lip service, I am not a therapist, and I don't know you real well, but I am not a rookie to these boards, nor a rookie in life.

plus ... I'm a physical scientist, and I take data. You gave me enough data to let me know there are enough positives and it isn't dead yet.


And ... I was a WAW. I know what changes (not much) in my H that he did that didn't make a difference....because he didn't change what mattered. And I know the things that I changed that mattered and what is still yet to change on my part and his. ( It IS ongoing)


I have radically changed what I do, and how I do it; I couldnt just do the "same old same old" if I wanted to. Some things require active, concious effort. but there's no way i'd want to not make the effort. I want a great marriage; I know that requires daily effort; so there's no way i'd ever want to "put things on cruise control" ever again.

examples: I have majorly changed how I talk to her, and how I brings things up to her. I try to pay attention to her and look for areas that I can honestly compliment her about. I'm not as tightfisted about spending money on our family for "fun" things any more.




I love it because you speak frankly, and so do I. (I also need to learn to modify this at work. that's a different story)

So---of course you've changed. But not in your verbal dance in the way it matters. Your changes are more than a stab in the dark, but they aren't focused enough. I can tell that by your goals. As long as you have been DBing....you need to set your goals the DB way...the KLA way.

So let's go dude. (Did I say dude...I HATE when my kids call me dude, I never call anybody dude.)



Goals s hould be:

small, attainable.
action oriented.
positively stated.

ie: When he walks in the door, he will grab me and throw me on the sofa and kiss my neck, not missing an inch. well--they should be realistic too.
attainable.

So let's work on yours.



Having her understand that it is possible for people to change (and me in particular) if they have enough of a reason to.

This is lofty. There is no way to measure it.
So---if you had a SENSE this was going on, what would she OR you and she be doing and/or saying?




Having her understand that "controlling her" is not a goal for me.

Again, slightly lofty. And unmeasurable. If she were not feeling controlled, what would she be doing or saying?


Having her finally believe that "hurting her" is not one of my goals or motivations either.

Just like the above.



Doing more things together as a family

Good. This is measurable. Do you mean more things...or more often. What kinds of things. I think this might be key.




I'd also really like to see the divorce dropped,
Great. This is measurable AND attainable. But not small. So it isn't the first thing.
and live just as "separated" people for a while.


But if I even brought that up to her, I figure she'd see that as "controlling"; of me wanting to "keep her trapped" or something.

that's a true statement...so you know it's something you haven't changed in your dance that is more important...to her...than what you have changed