Well I know what your about to read is against DB’ing efforts, but in a way it has come to a head and I need to get healthy and move on with my life.
I put a lot of thought into what I said and new what would be the result, but could no longer continue in limbo. After deliberating over what has happened, even disregarding the fact that W walked away, left my in a financial lurch, had the PA, I decided that I couldn’t wait for her to begin to trust me or feel she needed me. So this left me with two choices. Quit the whole limbo thing, and move on with my life, or stay in limbo and wait for W to come around.
Problem is the second choice leads to my and her ultimate destruction. For the decade I have known W, she has had problems with her father. She feels abandoned by him for his A and for leaving and moving across the country when she was a young girl. For the whole ten years contact was minimal, and sometimes she cut him out of her life for a year or more. He never gave up, always made his weekly call, but she would just ignore it. I comforted her for all these years, she kept speaking of C’ing on the matter but has never sought it out. So here we are, she felt I would abandon her, so she left before she thought I would do it to her. Again, she talks of going to C’ing but there are no steps in that direction. So I figure even if W did come around to me, it would be back to the same sitch as before. She continues to be self destructive in that aspect, and I enable her. She parties to relieve the pain and feels that she is a victim of the world, and nothing is her fault. I feel it is almost like an alcoholic. She is going to have to hit rock bottom before she seeks help. So I made the conscious choice that if she is true to her intentions and needs help I will help, but I am leaving.
I truly believe her childhood issues are resolvable and are M issues as well, but when a person refuses to examine themselves, they don’t want help or to be a part of something. This is evident in her constant partying, new nose piercing, plans for a new tattoo and her overall selfish behavior. Again, just as an alcoholic would act.
Last night when I showed up to drop S off, I had decided to wait until after the holidays to let her know if she wasn’t willing then I was no longer waiting. I was happy and acting “as if,” until W told me she was going out of town next weekend and what her plans were. She said it was for her, but I know the vacation package she is buying and it is for two, still it could be just her going, but at this point I’m not going to sit through another weekend wondering if it’s with OM, a different OM, or if she will do as she has during college and find a one night stand. So at this point I preceded forward.
I asked W what she wanted out of our R? She said she didn’t know and that she was confused. I said that she has had six months decide what she was doing and I felt I deserved an answer that wasn’t I don’t know anymore. She said she was sorry but that is the answer. That she wanted to continue going out and having a good time with people. I said I can’t stand by why you club and I watch S constantly. She got upset by this comment saying I was calling her parenting ability poor. I said I didn’t say that, but she has a right to interpret how she chooses. She said that is exactly what it is, and that she is going to continue “finding herself.” To which I said, fine that is all I needed to know. I intended to leave it at that and go.
She then stood in front of the door and asked what I was feeling. I told her that I felt like she was keeping me on the side as an option while she searches for greener pastures, that my heart is a yo-yo. I said I feel bad that I have hurt you, I feel bad that our S will be affected by this. At this point I said thanks for listening and went to leave. W said no we have to talk. She said she doesn’t want me to leave that night, but that she can’t give me anything. She can’t make any promises about our future and that I just had to wait. I reiterated that is what I just said I can no longer do. I stated that a man needs to feel his W trusts him, appreciates him and needs him, and I wasn’t getting any of these and could no longer cherish, love and trust her when there was no return on her part.
At this point I opened the door to the bedroom, found S playing and said goodbye to him. Said I would see him on X-mas. Told W to have a Merry X-mas and left. She immediately called me and when I answered she hung up on me. No contact since.
I’m not closing the door to a possibility, but if she doesn’t want me around for X-mas, if she is going away next weekend, and spending new years with someone else, that says something. Unless I see a commitment to commit and the proper actions, I’m not continuing and I will get the settlement agreement in place and get my divorce decree.
I have realized that I deserve to be happy, loved and to share my life with someone that I can cherish and love. I’m going to take the next while, who knows how long, but I see a timeline of years, to get my finances in order. Build up my career and do some things for me. Continue to be the best father I am and begin to plan for a fulfilling life, surrounding myself with good people.
The main realization that drove this decision is that W wants to party and club her life away. I found out she has been hanging out with a very well to do older gentlemen, 70 plus, he takes an entourage around town at night buying all the drinks, and she is his arm candy. Her mother said she is now an escort, to which I agree. She sees it as fun, but I don’t see it that way and any sane person wouldn’t see it that way either.
Every time I saved our money to do anything for us, she would take it out and blow it on partying, clothes, etc. I want a good life, with nice things, travel and good career. I don’t want to be in the position her mother is in that she will have to work until she dies since she partied her whole life away and has no retirement to show for it. I’m looking for security, financially, emotionally, and a loving W and family that I can give to.
I could be wrong on my assessment of W, but I think the whole entire mess revolves around her issues with her father’s abandonment. She needs me to “abandon” her. I know she started the D, but now she is dragging her feet and at the same time, saying things and doing things I don’t want to hear. That way I’m leaving, since she keeps kicking me while I’m down. Well no longer, it’s time to quit enabling this poor behavior and let her go to rock bottom. I feel more like I’m doing an intervention then anything, I’ll give her her abandonment so that she can blame me and be upset and vindictive. She will realize over time what she done, she is a counselor after all.
All of the X-mas gifts are over at my house right now, I just plan on taking the ones she brought to her apartment on X-mas eve, giving her what I bought her and leaving. I need my sanity and don’t want to be a part of the drama any longer.
