NikB's latest update (#23)

[NikB]

Thanks all for checking in!

((((f21))))
Yeah... definitely weird! Trying to just roll with it but it's tough at times. Focusing on other things works very well for me, though. Thank you for the reminder.

Brunch should be fun! Finally feeling caught up for the most part, so I'm really happy about that.

Donna
Thank you!! I do read your thread all the time but should post more too. You seem to be doing great, also! I know, it's sure harder than you could ever imagine.

I know what you mean on the emotional stuff. Kind of funny actually.. last year when I put the ornaments away I packed mine and H's separately. It was hard, but I thought it would be even harder to have to split stuff up later.. it was a "just in case" thing. I sure never thought we'd still be in limbo again THIS year, but it worked out well for the tree. I put all my stuff up, didn't have to face his ornaments at all. A little sad he chose not to put his up, but oh well.

The train sounds very cool!!

ST
Thanks!! I am doing pretty OK even with the weirdness.. surprising myself. I do get waves of sadness once in awhile but it's not all consuming like it has been at times before.

The thing with his mom's... yeah, he did figure I wouldn't want to go - but it was also quite clear that I wasn't invited. Like, if I pushed the issue they'd "let" me be there, but I wasn't invited. It's hard to explain - one of those tone/expression things that doesn't translate well on the boards. Anyway.. don't want to be where I'm not wanted or treated well and once I realized THAT it made it easier.

Yeah, definitely glad his mood's good when talking to/about me! Sure better than the other way around.

Thanks for the reminder on the gift thing. I'm not that way but my dad is - so I know exactly how it feels!! I have always been really conscious of it after seeing my mom, especially, crushed over and over again by my dad responding to gifts.

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So some journaling...

Dinner last night was pretty good. Awkward but not as bad as I thought it might be. Tough watching my dad stare at my stepmom with that "lost puppydog" look on his face, but he's doing it less than he used to. I was impressed with how well stepmom handled everything - I know that had to be VERY hard on her but she did great and seemed to have fun. We had a nice dinner out then went back to dad's house and exchanged gifts, played a game.. it was fun! I think everyone genuinely had a good time.

I got home kinda late and H's truck was gone. It was weird though because there was food out, wrapping stuff out, lights on, rented movie playing.. it looked like he had either just run out to get something quickly, or he left in a major hurry. When he was in "eff you" mode awhile back this was normal - but he hasn't been this way in a few months. Been telling me when/where he's going, when he'll be home, etc... so it wasn't "normal" or at least "normal lately." I waited a couple hours and still no H so I called his cell, no answer. I was torn between worrying about him, being pissed that "teenybopper" may be back, and trying not to care at all.

So.. I finished up some gifts (making some of these "meal in a jar" soup things where you layer the ingredients in a jar - I like giving something kinda "homey" like that). Watched some TV... tried not to stress.. didn't work.. sent some emails. Tried to sleep but couldn't, so I just kept myself busy instead.

H finally called at 3:30 and was home around 4. Said sorry he worried me but I "shouldn't worry" (in that "I'm worthless and no one should worry about me" tone). uuuugh. He had gone to a buddy's house to play poker. Had a plausible reason for leaving the house the way it was - he wanted it to look like he was just running out real quick so the dog wouldn't freak out and start chewing things up (normally if we're gone for awhile we lock her in one room, for whatever reason she doesn't chew stuff up that way). But no note, no message, no answering the phone.. those are the "defiant teenager" things. I guess I got spoiled with him being out of this mode for awhile now. I tried not to over-react because I know that'll just make it worse.

I got to sleep by 5... slept in some but still pretty tired. Today? H is very sweet, attentive, made me my morning tea... even making some plans with me for a couple of weeks from now (WOW, that is huge... to commit to anything that's more than a day in advance). Trying to make it a good Sunday in spite of being verrry tired!

On the good side - although I did get worried and got no sleep I am actually proud of how I handled things. I didn't get OVERLY freaked out, start calling his friends (or hospitals, or police stations..). In the past I might well have gotten myself into a complete panic, and/or made it all about me - he's doing this to hurt me, that kinda thing. Instead I was able to keep myself mostly distracted, realize that it's not about me, etc. My one (and only) voicemail to him was calm - just said "Hey it's kinda late and the house looks like you left in a hurry. I thought you said you'd be at home tonight so wanted to make sure you're ok." When he finally did call back I didn't freak out either - did let him know that it worried me but he apologized and I left it alone. We even talked some about my dinner w/my family, how was his poker game, he told me how his buddies are doing, etc. All easily verifiable stuff if I was so inclined.

So, feeling good overall about that.. I think yes, of course I still care, but I was relatively detached since I didn't get totally worked up last night and not dwelling on it today. I sure hope this was a relatively isolated incident and "teenybopper H" isn't back for long, though.

Yaaawwwwnnn.. going to make it a great day!! Ok, ok, a good day... great may be a little ambitious with the amount of sleep I got.