not a peep

[Trixi]

I am SOOOO mad at myself!
I am mad because I didn't keep my composure and act "as if"
I am mad because I didn't resist him.
I am mad because I feel embarassed/ashamed for being weak.
I am mad because I WANT to believe him when he talks like divorce is a temporary thing.

I am mad because now I am sitting here feeling mad and sad.

I just remembered more of last nights convo. I was in one of my sad moments and he said "This could be really good for us. It could be good for us to be apart and make changes. And if we end up back together, we'll be better than before." I told him that I agree, (I really do) because then the playing field could be leveled. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like he11.

The first time my facade started to crack he said "I thought you were okay with moving. In fact, I thought you wanted to move; you said you didn't like this house and you needed to be out so you could spread your wings." Me"within the context of our situation, I know it's the right thing. But, more globally, I don't like being in our situation. I didn't pick it, I don't want it." H makes a comment alluding to "nothing is forever".

I hope I have made it really clear that he ONLY says this when we are talking about NOT being together. I also want to make it clear that he isn't telling me to wait and has also said that we should move on. Oh! I just remembered that I said something like "You wouldn't let pride stop you, would you? That because you had made some big declaration that we were done, that you had to stick with it?" and he said that he hadn't really made any big declaration and no, pride wouldn't stop him and then he says that he has no idea what will happen.

Yes, I understand that it could be that he is just being "kind" and has none of these thoughts. It could be that he wants to keep his options open. It could be that he is truly confused but wants to see what it "feels" like to be divorced. It could be that he really believes that the only way to fix "us" is for us not to be an "us" for awhile. Who knows.

In the meantime, I will go thru this process as best I can. I will create a happy, fulfilling life and see what the Universe serves up.
...but I am still mad about it! So There!!