formless utterings...

[Dom R]

You're a good egg.

A couple things...what are your goals?

What advice would you give yourself?

phew. Hm...
I think the biggest "goals", are ones that I'm already doing everything I can think of about:

Having her understand that it is possible for people to change (and me in particular) if they have enough of a reason to.
Having her understand that "controlling her" is not a goal for me.
Having her finally believe that "hurting her" is not one of my goals or motivations either.
Doing more things together as a family

I'd also really like to see the divorce dropped, and live just as "separated" people for a while. But if I even brought that up to her, I figure she'd see that as "controlling"; of me wanting to "keep her trapped" or something.
So I dont think that's an achievable goal anytime soon.

I have no idea of how to make the above happen.
"doing more things as a family" happened for a while, around august/sept. i was so happy then! But there were so many different factors in play then, I have no idea which ones made her more comfortable doing that. Wish I did.
Plus most of them were either out of my control, or non-reproducible, so I cant even experiment to see "what works"

Advice to myself? i would probably say that only consistant, positive behaviour over time, has a chance of working towards the big goals reguarding her believing me.
Trouble is, my wife has always had major trust issues. I think that where most people would be able to notice and appreciate what I'm doing after 6 months... it may take her 3 years or something

I could really use some encouragement from her at this point. The last month or so has been discouraging. So I hope our trip in Jan goes well. Some positives before then certainly wouldnt hurt either!

I feel like she's switched into "I'm going to finalize the divorce soon but I'm not going to admit it to you" mode.

You can get this chick back. And you know how to do it. And as much as you say you want her..... you want her just to want to come back with you doing the same old.

why would you say that?
I havent kept a "full thread", so maybe you're just guessing in the dark here. I have radically changed what I do, and how I do it; I couldnt just do the "same old same old" if I wanted to. Some things require active, concious effort. but there's no way i'd want to not make the effort. I want a great marriage; I know that requires daily effort; so there's no way i'd ever want to "put things on cruise control" ever again.

examples: I have majorly changed how I talk to her, and how I brings things up to her. I try to pay attention to her and look for areas that I can honestly compliment her about. I'm not as tightfisted about spending money on our family for "fun" things any more.

I still make "mistakes" occasionally... but if she points out that she doesnt like the way i said or did something... i apologise and try to improve it. That happened last night.
Trouble is, if I make a mistake, she jumps on it with, "see, you havent changed! you're just like you always were! that's why i could never go back to being with you!".
Doesnt seem to matter to her what my intent is, or whether I'm willing to make up for it.

More I could say.. and actually wrote before erasing.. but I think i'll leave it at that.

So what's it gonna be? What Christmas gift are you going to give yourself?

Pfft. I'm not thinking of myself much these days. Spending virtually all my money and effort on my family. I guess the closest to a gift for *me*, would be my spending $20 on a set of mail order anime videos...and I did that primarily because my sons wanted to see the rest of the set.

Lots of things I'd LIKE to have. But.. as usual... i'm saving my money to spend on my family.