I cant DB - I cant - I want to - I want my M back - I want my family back but how do you DB when you are so torn between wanting H back but wanting to kill him also for what he has done by A and what he is doing now by living with OW. Had bad moment the other day - supposed to be going dark since slim chance he will change mind since we are in div court(keep hoping cause he came back once before but left again after few day) - D upset about divorce before I know it I was anti DBing and sent him an angry email "Do you know what you have done to our D? How could you be this kind of male role model for our D - how could you want life of div for our D going from house to house, exposed to OW, caught in middle of parents? blah blah blah - H relpies back "I left becuase of you and I shall never return" then I email back "you left because of me"? when you were with me for 14 yrs before we had a child and no ties - you could have left then - dont you think having a small child, the fact that you are 47 and maybe hit a MLC and had an A had something to do with it? But its all my fault right? I went on and on - I did not ask him back in fact denied I had emailed him at all thinking that - was just thinking about how hurt D was. He never replied again. THen realized what I had done - pushed him toward div again so sent one final email telling him even though I moved on and we are doing fine it hurts to see D upset sometimes and I'm sorry I attacked him we should have both worked on our M more so lets just move on be good parents to our D. No response. I know I screwed up and pushed him farther away and now that may be it - the div will go through. Then he was supposed to drop off D's gifts today and he just stuck them in door to avoid me and gave him whole list to get and he just got 4 gifts. We have no other relatives around and I am a stay at home mom just trying to get by on $ he gives me for everyday items. He is picking her up on xmas and taking her out for few hrs - bet he is saving other gifts so he can give to her instead of santa - he better not be taking D to his new apt since judge said not allowed since he is living with OW and they will have to investigate if "romantic" relationship since he says no. I unwrapped all the gifts and I will rewrap them - cant stand thought OW might have wrapped. ARGGGGGGG - I am so angry at him!!!!!!! How can I possibly DB when one side of me hates him for having an A and still involv. with OW!!! And you know I have never been a jelous possesive W - in fact opposite - hes always been a flirt but I trusted him - now it eats me alive!!!!!! I wrote this log instead bec I was just about to email him again saying snotty "Did OW wrap gifts"? But I wrote this instead.
