I'm so humiliated to think our neighbors turned us in to the City, but I don't blame them. There have been several young guys to come by and ask about buying the vehicles, but my H has them tied up with other stuff in one hugh bank loan and can't sell them and get the title until the entire loan is paid off (if I understand it correctly). I'm just so upset and embarrased and it doesn't seem to bother him at all. I reminded him that I have begged, pleaded, & bitched about the back yard and he knows how unhappy I am about it, and yet he has done nothing to change it. I don't know where we could take them other than to pay rent somewhere (which will be more expense).
I don't think I mentioned that my GS brought home a artic wolf dog that is huge and we had to get a pen for him, which he has already outgrown, but I don't want him back there.....it's just another eye sore. B/c my h put a tarp half-way over the top of the cage and metal sheet pieces around the sides to help knock off some of the rain and cold weather. We don't have a fenced in back yard and my H is wanting to do that.....for the dog. But, we don't have the money to do it. I don't want the dog here! He's to big, too rough, and he will keep everything in a worse mess. We can't even play with him without getting our arms clawed. It's just another item and problem that has been added to the "junky" back yard. The swimming pool and slide he bought last summer for the GD that never did work properly and finally was wadded up and left laying there......The second handed motor boat he bought that didn't even run that has been parked out back for about 4 years now and never moved from its spot......I could go on and on about the stuff that is back there that he has brought home that is laying there exposed to the neighborhood. And we live on a cornor lot where people drive by and see all that crap piled up back there. I am not kidding when I say we have the worst yard in the neighborhood, and that letter proved it today! What can I do?
Also, our names came out in the local paper that we had not paid our personal taxes on time, and everyone at the office reads all of that. Of course it embarrases me, but it doesn't seem to bother him at all.....and I've asked him to please make sure that it gets paid on time so I don't have to be embarrased at work.
And, like I've told you all before, here it is again, the end of the year and he hasn't gotten the tax infomation together for 2006. I am just so sick of all of it I could scream. It is 4:15 a.m. on Sunday morning and I've been up all night long. How can I go to church and pretend all is well in our home when I feel like just saying, "forget it"! In fact, I told my H I was fed up with it all. Of course, he never made a reply to what I said.
I should be celebrating Christmas and not worried to death about all this crap! But I tell you this b/c I need to vent, but also b/c when you, my friends, in well meaning attempts, tell me to do things to meet his needs, etc., but it is something like this that always seems to be hitting me in the face. It goes back to that daily sandpaper rubbing away the skin and down into the raw nerves.
God, I just need prayer so badly. I hate my life the way it is. I confess that I have backslid in even trying to work in the R for weeks. I haven't done anything. I can't even seem to read any of my books right now. I had intentions of setting the goals and doing the "assignments", etc. but my "will" just gave way. It all got to be so "weary" for me. I know the attitude showed up in my posts and I was on the verge of just giving up when I said I needed to take a break from the board. I just couldn't deal with it at the time. It sounded like all I was doing was giving excuses, and I guess I was b/c ................b/c I don't know why. I suppose I didn't want too badly enough. When I would get home from work.....I shut down physically, mentally,emotionally, and more or less crashed for the rest of the night.
I have been here for hours going back over my thread and reading all the good advice people gave me, hoping it would restore something inside of my heart. You all have been friends to me and I appreciate it.
I don't know what I'm going to do. I feel so depressed and the medication is doing abosoluly nothing for me. I am suppose to see the doctor next week and he will want to raise the dosage to 150 mg and I don't know if I want to keep taking it or get off of it or try something else. I just feel like I'm a mess and my life is a mess.
Please forgive me for the pity party.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
