I had the affair and now my marriage appears Over

[fooled again]

LH,

It has taken me awhile to reply to you, mainly because I'm trying to figure out how closely your sitch relates to mine - and I think that there really are quite a few similarities. I can understand why you want to just be able to talk to your W so that you can at least begin to communicate to her how you are changing in your thoughts, feelings and your understanding of what you did and how it affected and continues to affect her.

Your W is probably talking to her friends and family and she is most likely getting the same kind of advice I was getting. My friends told me that my H is a liar and a cheater, he is despicable, he will never change, he doesn't deserve my forgiveness and I am better off without him. I'm not saying this is true or that it's right that friends say these things; I'm just saying that's probably what's going on with your W. So f she feels anything in her heart for you, or if she has any hope that the two of you can get past this, there is probably a battle going in her mind between that and the advice she is getting.

It has been very, very difficult for me to decide to give my H another chance to prove to me that he has changed. I have even had to step away from a few very close friends because I could not deal with what they were saying and continue to work on my marriage and they cannot accept what I'm doing - they think I'm crazy or stupid or pathetic. I don't know if these friendships are even salvageable, but in the end I have chosen my marriage - trust me, it wasn't easy and it was a very painful choice to have to make. And there are W out there who are unable or unwilling to make that choice. So it's not just your W you are up against, it is also her support group.

I can appreciate what you said about talking to my H about how I feel and give him the opportunity to reassure me. I can see that you are right in that my H is feeling hurt and shame, feeling alone and that he has nothing to show for his life. He has said some of these things to me. And he tells me that I shouldn't be with him, that I deserve better. But sometimes when he says this to me, it just makes me wonder if he is saying these things b/c he is feeling guilty b/c the A is still going on. I know I don't want to keep hearing that I deserve better, that he is no good for me. What I want is for him to show and tell me why I should be giving him this chance. You can't sell anything by telling the buyer it's no good - you sell it by showing all the good things about it.

I guess that's what DBing is about for you, showing your W what she stands to gain from giving you another chance, so every time you see her, talk to her, have any contact w/ her, you need to show her the kind of man you want to be, are trying to be. Sell yourself, in a sensitive way. Maybe your W is not talking now, but maybe if you keep doing what you are doing she will. My H did the totally wrong thing when I told him I was done. He called a million times, left me notes, sent me messages, emails and so on. But the thing was, all along I had wanted to save my marriage and though I thought I was done, I guess I wasn't. But now, he has pulled back a bit and he doesn't do all those things so much as he did before - both good a bad. It was way too much drama for me, but in pulling back, I'm left to wonder what's going on. I'm looking for consistency in his behavior. That's probably what your W needs to see too. I want my H to keep showing me, every day, what he is doing to make me feel safe enough to start to trust again. Talking is really, really hard for both of us. He needs to DO. In your sitch, that may be the answer for you. Stop trying to talk to your W and just DO. After she sees you DOING for awhile, she may be ready to open up enough to talk.

Last night I did tell him that I want to believe in him. We had a setback, but I said that I know that I can do this, get past this, but I am not so naive as to think it will be easy, that there will be no backslides, that it will happen over night or in a few weeks. But I said that I can't make him do something he doesn't want to do or is unable to do. I said that if he can't or won't do this now, then maybe we need to give each other more time and maybe later we can try again.

Today he came to me and told me how he was feeling and why he was pulling back and we had a backslide. I guess putting the ball in his court was the right thing to do.

I think you probably have a long way to go to be able to get close enough to your W so she can see how you are changing your life. But there is so much that makes sense in DR and things that are finally starting to work a little, that I have more and more faith in what it says. But the one thing that is the most true of anything is that it will take WAY, WAY longer than you think it will. Give yourself and your wife time - after all w/ kids you will always have a connection & that may be your in.

I hope you are not afraid to talk about yourself. You and other H's that have had A's and are trying to save your M's have so much to offer those of us searching for answers. I know my priority is figuring out how to save my M, not to judge. We are all in the same boat, though we may have gotten here different ways.

Take care & good luck. Have patience & don't give up hope.