Corri, While I didnt agree with some of this post, I did appreciate its thoughtful measured response.
There is STILL a power imbalance in Choco's R, at least in my opinion... and I'm thinking he may be the covert One Up. I say that because there was no 'hyper-honeymoon' period in his R after Mrs. Choc came clean and stopped the A.
No he is not the covert one up. This is a complete misread on Choco's stich and misunderstanding of the dynamic on why she stopped.
In your own case, you move a man into your home who is a known wife seducer, your xW comes to you on several occasions about her concerns regarding her feelings and this man, you insist she take care of her own problem, and then come down on her because she didn't tend her own fences.
Lets go with the supposition that this is true and factual. You defined OM as a 'known wife seducer'. Actually I did. I believe the words I used several years ago were- black widow. So lets say YOU are the W, and YOU know. Would he be able to seduce you? If he can and she knows, I wouldnt call that seduction. I would call that a choice. If thats what she wants in a man, who am I to judge her or stand in her way. Not my job. Not in my power. If you think I came down on her about tending her fences to accomplish what I did, in the time I did, You dont get it. Thats ok. You dont have too.
The facts are, thats not what happened, she didnt come to me, in teh way you described, and if you read my first posts here, you would know what happened. She hid many things from me during our R. Failing college. wrecking a car. stuff about her parents in the early days. Pretty hard to plan and make plans without all the info. Seems like some people dont respect their spouse enough to give them the truth and give them a choice. Again, thats not in my control.
Im not afraid of giving people choice. Sometimes it hurts like hell the choice they make. Ill survive.
you turned your back on the 'our' part of the fence when you moved the wife seducer into your home Yeah. It was a joint decision. Im not in the habit of cammanding and ordering my W around. I try, but I dont care for it.
(could even be viewed as intentional weakening, which, if that is the case... puts a different spin on your theories). Yep. Your welcome to view me in that light. Of course prior to the A I had never read a book on Marriage or R dynamics in any but the most cursory and eyerolling manner. so that would put a kabosh on that. Your still welcome to run with that theory. Thanks for assuming the positive.
I understand completely LFL's reluctant feelings toward her H. Yep me too.
And it is because the R is in a state of imbalance, in some cases severe... and BOTH people are in a state of crisis. People do not function well in a state of crisis
True as well. So do you recommend people make life altering financial and marital and familial decisions during this 'feeling' of crisis?
It was one of the mistakes I made, but it was that or another bad choice that I was losing control over.
Remember... the one who loves the least controls the relationship. No one controls the R. People give away power based on their willingness to implement or not -boundaries. We are equal in that.
find a man you KNOW you will not marry... ever... and practice. I think that is advice Mojo will have trouble implementing, because she, like me and most of us, doesnt date with Intent.
How about the one who is least ego-invested controls the relationship? Of course, wanting to be validated for being "loving" is a form of ego-investment. I think it could be a very loving gesture to become less ego-invested in a relationship.
