I'm a newbie-H is MLC-Lovely!!!

[MrsLBW]

Hi All-
I just signed on a couple of days ago. Have Micheles books and have started DBing. My situation:

H and I are both 45. Married 14-together 16. Have 2 D-7/11. Bomb in June. ILYBINILWY. His father died the September before. He spent 11 months trying to keep him alive. Always with him at hospital or nursing home-almost every day after work and on weekends. I was the undestanding wife. I never complained and I kept the house and family going. I tried to plan events to keep his mind off of his problems with his dad and I did all of the work. Never complained. When he wanted to go out with friends (which was rare) I always told him to have a good time, and he would always check in and let me know where he was and when to expect him. We had date night every Wednesday night and planned to go out with friends al least 2x a month. We kept the babysitter busy! Then the last day of school we took the kids out to celebrate and he sat at the table with his back to me. I said "you could at least pretend you like me-what's up?" That was the beginning of the end. Said he didn't know if he wanted to be married any more(BTW-kids were off playing video games)wasn't happy with any part of his life. Wished we didn't have kids, if someone gave him a million dollars right now, he would tell them what was wrong with it. Hated work, his sister drives him crazy. Wasn't even happy playing golf-which he always loved.Didn't have enough money,blah blah blah. Said he didn't feel like working on the marriage. "You have to WANT to work on it and I don't" I told him that I was going to work on it and I did all summer. But he didn't-it was obvious.

A couple of weeks later I found out he had been talking for hours at a time to a woman at work who just happens to be related to one of my best friends and next door neighbor!!! He was on the computer with her all of the time and spoke to her on our anniversary and my birthday and during our D b-day party. I called her at work and told her to back off-without getting nasty. She gave me her word that she would. When he found out (I did it on HIS birthday in July!) he was in mourning for a couple of days but they were back at it right away. They both swear that they are just friends. Yeah-secret friends!! At this point i think it is EA. I did all of the wrong stuff-beg-scream-snoop,talk about relationship. It pushed him further away.

He moved out the week after school started. He moved into his dead fathers empty house. Has bought a bed, TV, kitchen stuff. Took an old sofa from here and the computer. Besides his clothes, that's all he has. He has been gone 3 months and we have not had a fight of any kind in about 1 month. He comes by a couple of times a week to see the kids-usually stays for dinner and spends most of his time here with me-not the kids. He tries to take them overnight once a week.

It's killing me that I don't know what he is doing. The OW is going thru her 2nd divorce. He doesn't want me telling anyone about our situation, refuses to talk to anyone about it-not even his family and friends. He only talks to her. I hate this limbo thing. He has not mentioned divorce. It's like he wants his feet in both worlds and I'm just suppose to wait!!

I've become more independent-don't ask him for help. He is still payiing all of the bills here, however. I just work part-time. That was our arrangement before he left so that I would be here for the kids after school. I'm not always available when he calls or stops by. I don't email him anymore unless he emails me-and even then I don't respond every time or right away.

He is spending the night Xmas eve to be here in the morning for the kids. We will be going to his sisters for Xmas eve dinner and gift exchange, like we always have. I did not invite him to my family's on Xmas day because i know he would refuse and because my mother would kill him! I'm not sure where I want him to sleep or if I should hope for sex. I know that I will not initiate it-don't want the rejection again. But not sure if it's even a good idea.

I also have this urge to call the OW again. I know it's not a good idea-but I have read other posts where the OW was called and they did back off. I don't know. I think that he is going through a mid life crisis and if he had the time to be alone to work things out in his head, he might figure it all out. But if she is in the way-she is just that--IN THE WAY!

Well, that's it in a nutshell. I welcome anyones thoughts.
Thanks!

[Imageer]

I also have this urge to call the OW again. I know it's not a good idea-but I have read other posts where the OW was called and they did back off. I don't know.

LBW, sorry to your here but you will find a lot of great, compassionate people here who will help you find your way through this. If you have to go through this, this is the place to be.

I would definately not call OW. You have already tried that once and it didn't work. It may also put you H in the position where he wants to protect her from you.

[inmyplace]

Hi MrsLBW,

His father died the September before. He spent 11 months trying to keep him alive. Always with him at hospital or nursing home-almost every day after work and on weekends.

I can see where this would have a profound effect on someone. He was tilting at windmills. He was fighting a battle he couldn't possibly win. He had a reason and I have no idea what that might be. But this is something he will have to come to terms with. It's not happening now and I would be unable to tell you how long it will take.

I'm not sure where I want him to sleep or if I should hope for sex.

get that right out of your mind. Let him decide where he wants to sleep.

It's killing me that I don't know what he is doing.

So then stop thinking about it. What's killing you is that you assume he might be screwing his friend.

I did not invite him to my family's on Xmas day because i know he would refuse and because my mother would kill him!

How do you know unless you ask. As for your mother, the reason she would kill him is because you have probably told her that you suspect he is sleeping with another woman.

Look, I do not know what is happening with your H other than to know he does appear to be going through a crisis. If you want to have a chance of saving this marriage, you will have to be understanding. Yes, you. You are the one who has her wits about her. You have already told us he doesn't. You should be understanding at this point because you do not know if he is actually doing anything other than trying to figure things out.

It's like he wants his feet in both worlds and I'm just suppose to wait!!

That is correct. While i don't like the idea that he has a person of the opposite to confide in, there isn't anything you can do about it. So yes, you do have to wait. If you don't want to wait, then go file for divorce. I am being extreme, but I think you get my point. You have to wait.

He moved out the week after school started. He moved into his dead fathers empty house. Has bought a bed, TV, kitchen stuff. Took an old sofa from here and the computer. Besides his clothes, that's all he has.

I'm a man. This does not sound like a man who is having a relationship (in the sense you fear) with a woman.

MrsLBW, I know this is difficult for you. I understand. But you have to be strong. You have to keep the anger in check. You have to keep your mother from injecting her anger into this.

Ok, enough for now. I hope you get my point.

IMP

[MrsLBW]

Thanks Imageer,

I know I shouldn't call her. If he found out it would cause a problem. I'm thinking that they are out together tonight and I'm going nuts.

The not knowing is getting a bit better than in the beginning.

How are things with your H? I haven't read your posts yet. You have been at this a long time. Any progress?

[MrsLBW]

Hi Imp-

Thanks for your thoughts.
I don't know how to carry over a quote so...

What did you mean that based on my statement about what he has in the house it doesn't seem like he is carrying on a relationship with this woman?

He has a king size bed-he bought drapes to match the comforter and he has candles all over the place! The house is for sale and he said that the candles he lights before the realtor brings anyone over to make the house smell better after he cooks. He is hiding this "relationship". He doesn't want anyone to know he is seeing anyone else. He has cut himself off from most of his friends except for one and that friend doesn't want to talk about any of this with him or anyone else.


You also said that I need to be understanding while he tries to figure things out. I have changed my attitude over these last few weeks. I'm rationalizing it in my head this way: If he were very ill I would stand by him or if he were a drug addict I would do what it takes to help him through it. And drug addicts will deny that they have a problem and need to come to that realization themselves-no one can tell them they need help.

I have stopped telling my mother everything because she has no patience for what he has done to me and the kids. She wants me to dump him. And unfortunately, it has made things harder for him to come back probably because of it. My sister and especially my BIL have kept in contact with him to keep things ok between them.

I have to tell you though, that it is getting easier to live w/o him. As much as I love him and want him back, it's been nice not having a pessimist living here. I have had to struggle with that for years. I'm the optimist- he is a glass is half empty kind of guy. He has a hard time just enjoying life-everything has to be a chore.

[sleeper]

MrsLBW, if I may.....

He is ill. MLC is a real, emotional breakdown, a crisis of identity. H doesn't know who he is as isn't sure who he wants to be. The only meds I have heard of that can be used to mitigate (not cure) it are antidepressants. Problem is most of them won't admit there is anything wrong with them and therefore won't take them. Depression is an underlying theme of mlc, some believing their uncharacteristic behaviors are an attempt to find relief.

[inmyplace]

What did you mean that based on my statement about what he has in the house it doesn't seem like he is carrying on a relationship with this woman?

Your initial description sounded quite spartan. And with the added information about selling the house this makes sense. The place has to look lived-in.

he is hiding this "relationship".

Maybe, he doesn't want you to call her. The point being you only know what you know. I do understand that two people who are going through difficulties can go down the wrong path, but there is not much you can do about that should it happen. Also, thinking about it will only drive you up a wall. You can't be on pins and needles if you want to save your marriage. Until you have any real evidence of hanky panky, don't let yourself consider anything here. And don't go looking for it.

You also said that I need to be understanding while he tries to figure things out. I have changed my attitude over these last few weeks.

Good. I at times, use the drug addict in pointing out that we don't accept bad behavior. However, I do accept that notion if it will help you deal with the man. Again, remember you are the one with the "right" frame of mind. It's hard to do. And these tough times do put us in a crisi of our own.

She wants me to dump him.

I was lucky. I lived 350 miles from my family. It made it easier to keep this stuff away from them, except for my SIL who I called quite a bit (she told my bro, but I trusted them more than anyone else). I never confided in my best friend because I didn't want to sully any relationships should my wife (now ex) worked things out. The good thing with my best buddy is we don;t have any of it hanging over our heads. I did however seek out people who went before me in struggles and came out on the other side. Example. A man I went to grad school with. He had a failed marriage many years ago. His wife left him. By the time I met him, he had been remarried. This is the type of person who can really lend insight. Also, I sought out professional mental health care. They have to keep things confidential.

I have to tell you though, that it is getting easier to live w/o him.

I remember the first night I moved into my apartment. I fell on the bed, looked at the ceiling, and let out a huge breath of relief.

He has a hard time just enjoying life-everything has to be a chore.

Was he like this before his father took ill? Also, I was curious when you said he tried so hard to save his father for 11 months. Did you have a sense for that dynamic? It seems more than just going to the hospital to be there for his father. My father was in nursing care for a few years. We knew his state of health and visited him, but we didn't pour our whole existence into him.

MrsLBW, I also want you to know that I think too many around here place all their bets on MLC and I don't buy it many times. In your case, I see a very definite event with a well-defined time period of quixotic behavior which could propel someone off the deep end. Even with my mother, she died 15 years ago, She was ill for 6 months or so. While we, her family, were involved the best we can, it was much different than your h in that we could see what was happening and that we really couldn't do much about it.

IMP

[MrsLBW]

[

He has a hard time just enjoying life-everything has to be a chore.

{ Was he like this before his father took ill? Also, I was curious when you said he tried so hard to save his father for 11 months. Did you have a sense for that dynamic? It seems more than just going to the hospital to be there for his father. My father was in nursing care for a few years. We knew his state of health and visited him, but we didn't pour our whole existence into him.}

Imp-
He has always been a pessimist. Like I said, it has been a struggle all of these years to keep a balance-I have been walking on egg shells for years. But I got use to it. The good outweighed the bad. He is the jokester at parties and we have had a lot of great times. But I see parts of his personality that no one else sees. Some people have seen certain aspects of it. He ALWAYS complains about whatever job he has. He makes a good living but is never happy.

As far as what went on with his father-I think it all stems from his mothers death 10 years ago. She went into the hospital for soomething minor. His sister went to sit with her on Monday night, he figured he would sit with her Tuesday night-well, she died unexpectedly Tuesday morning and he felt guilty for not seeing her the night before. Forget about all that he had done for her over the years-he coudn't get over that he wasn't there for her that one night. So, when his Dad got sick he went overboard. EVERY DAY he went to see him and spent hours with him-took him to physical therapy, fed him, changed him, you name it. He could have won an award for son of the year. But he was pulling away from me at the same time. I think this is when he began this EA with the woman from work.

NOW-here is the latest in my saga: I have to work on New Years Eve day. I asked him to take the kids overnight Sunday into Monday so that I don't have to get a babysitter. (He is doing it tonight for the same reason). This was a test because I know that the OW's birthday is Sunday. When I asked him last week he said "sure". Tonight he left me a message on my answering machine that he can't do it because he has something else to do that night!!!! Do I confront him that I know it's her birthday and that he has chosen her over his kids? If I did, I would wait until after Christmas. What do you guys think?
Thanks.

[Virtually_Handsome]

Why? What good would it do? He said he can't/won't do it. Taking it further is going to be pressuring him, and making him feel guilty. He might deserve it, but how does it get you closer to your goal? Unless your goal is divorce? (That sounds mean, but it is a question you will have to think about a lot, and really know the answer to, to get through this.)

[Cinderellaman]

I had something similar happen on ow's birthday...do not confront him, it is useless, let it be, look for your own babysitter, you show more greatness by living your own life !

Take care and I'm sorry you find yourself here !