well, all hell broke loose, it is over and done

[cat03]

thanks all of you again)))))) i'm the leach for the time being :P , just taking not contributing, at this point i'm just a horrible warning not an example, will post more as time allows. Of course work has been its busiest EVER, in all the years I've been in this co. I've never had to work this hard, so I hardly have time to post as I'd like.

H has leveled a bit, today he was almost normal, up to yesterday he was just a mess. Both the T and his mom (the other person who knows what's going on and whom my H speaks to) agree that he has changed, something is different this time around. He hugs me often, he sees me, gets sad and hugs me, he's never, ever done this since before he left in 05.

A good friend from church who is a psychologyst talked to me today, I told him the gist of it and he agreed with the T that H is full of fear and trying to run away from himself, which you just can't do. He thought H still loved me but he was too scared to trust again. I will give H his number, he's one of the few people in church whom he likes, hope H calls him.
It was almost normal today, we went to eat after he came from work and I from church.
I have written a list of (well, 2) questions I need to ask him about these past few weeks, 1.when did he start seeing her, 2. clear the question about that night, I want him to admit that he didnt' go there to break it up but to stay, I want him to be honest about that.

I also wrote some useless questions I wont' ask but to which I think I have the answers.I know that while in selfish mode he didn't think far ahead and only thought of himself and that's why he did things that would hurt me, not because they would hurt me but to satisfy himself without realizing the consecuences.

He asked to sleep upstairs, for now I said yes. I have one eye in the present and one in the future, don't want to get in a merry go round which could take me back to square one. Not letting my guard down for a couple of months while we sort things out.
It's a bit eerie that I've cried only once (when I found the phone receipt and realize what could be mean), even today, I only started shaking when telling my church friend about the sitch, dont' know if that's good or bad. I do know that i feel I have a protective cover over me, I feel God fighting my fears and demons and bad thoughts.
We talked about God with H, he says he can't bring himself to believe, that it is hard for him to have faith and can't do it. My church friend says that that's the rooth of the problem, he is trying to do it all himself and it is just not going to work. I pray pray that my H is able to see that he can't do it alone.

Kids are fine, I had a good day, we are going about our business. I agree with you all, I won't play saviour, I"m a listening ear but don't try to "fix" things anymore, I dont' want to make things easy (not hard either) for him, this is his fight, he has to earn every inch.