Oh W is a gem. Calls me a few times today, TM's me. We kept missing each other, I had a lot of meetings today. Well I found out I can get her free counseling under my plan, so long as we are married. She calls up all excited about it, but says she is in the car and asks that I call her later with the number.
When I call back she acts like sure I'll call em if you want me to. Oh sorry to go out of my way to help you.
Then she asks if I have plans tonight. This time I didn't fall for it. Why yes I do, but were you looking for a sitter or something to do with me. "Um, Uh?" Ya, gotcha. So I broke in, that I'm having a small gathering at the house, old childhood friends, I'm the 5th wheel and they don't know you or our story so no stigman, if you would like to come you can. She didn't sound like she would.
Well I pulled back last night and W pursued. At my little gathering, W called and asked me to come over, said I couldn't I was the host. Then she said S was acting up and needed his dad to calm him down, just told her that she would have to deal with it.
Then late in the evening, she TM'ed me that S was down and if I would like to I could come over. Thought it sort of odd, especially when her tone on the call was peeved. So I TM'ed back that I would like to come over but I wouldn't unless she wanted me to. I know childish, she did extend an invite, but I just felt like she is trying to be nice to not hurt me.
Well from 11 to about 1 am, she called three times, I never picked up and she never left a VM. This morning when she dropped S off she asked why I didn't answer, said I didn't notice the calls until later and was having fun with friends. She seemed alright with it.
Then she goes on to say that she feels like she isn't being a mother and wants S tonight. Which I have no problem with since I have been watching for many weekends in a row.
Then on a later phone call, I just found out about an extended family party, I asked if I could take S for a few hours and would have him home by 8. She complains that it needs to be half an hour earlier because she is going clubbing tonight. There are those motherly instincts kicking in. Well she has to drive S to her mothers so she can watch him. I reply if that is the case I'll just keep him. She grips it's her weekend, and she wants to be with him. Boy the clubs have sure changed since I was out a lot, they didn't allow to many toddlers in the bar. I wonder what is favorite drink is? Fine I'll have him at your place when you need him there.
I sure hope she doesn't miss the hour when she has to pay the door charge, could you imagine how devastating that would be.
I have got to let go of the anger building, because we are spending X-mas together and possibly new years and a lot of progress could be made then, but I'm getting really irritated.
How much like chess is DB'ing? It is amazing the strategizing, and sheer cogitation that must be put into this endeavor. I so fondly remember my care-free days of being married. When I did not have to think about W, R, and D. I knew that she loved me, that she was my best friend, that we would be together forever, no matter what. Now, much like in your case, everything is a chess-game.
Having said all that, don't let her get under your skin. She is trying different tactics as well. She is scared and confused and this makes for a volatile chess opponent. Be prepared for the unpredictable. Also, I would really encourage you to support her on the therapy and bi-polar treatment. That could really work to your advantage. Get her well and I bet she will want her family and husband back.
Best, --Chris
Me: 40 She: 31 S: 5 D: 3 Married: 8 years (05 DEC 99) Blow-up: 02 JUN 07 Piecing (More like Ostriching): 22 FEB 08
Well I know what your about to read is against DB’ing efforts, but in a way it has come to a head and I need to get healthy and move on with my life.
I put a lot of thought into what I said and new what would be the result, but could no longer continue in limbo. After deliberating over what has happened, even disregarding the fact that W walked away, left my in a financial lurch, had the PA, I decided that I couldn’t wait for her to begin to trust me or feel she needed me. So this left me with two choices. Quit the whole limbo thing, and move on with my life, or stay in limbo and wait for W to come around.
Problem is the second choice leads to my and her ultimate destruction. For the decade I have known W, she has had problems with her father. She feels abandoned by him for his A and for leaving and moving across the country when she was a young girl. For the whole ten years contact was minimal, and sometimes she cut him out of her life for a year or more. He never gave up, always made his weekly call, but she would just ignore it. I comforted her for all these years, she kept speaking of C’ing on the matter but has never sought it out. So here we are, she felt I would abandon her, so she left before she thought I would do it to her. Again, she talks of going to C’ing but there are no steps in that direction. So I figure even if W did come around to me, it would be back to the same sitch as before. She continues to be self destructive in that aspect, and I enable her. She parties to relieve the pain and feels that she is a victim of the world, and nothing is her fault. I feel it is almost like an alcoholic. She is going to have to hit rock bottom before she seeks help. So I made the conscious choice that if she is true to her intentions and needs help I will help, but I am leaving.
I truly believe her childhood issues are resolvable and are M issues as well, but when a person refuses to examine themselves, they don’t want help or to be a part of something. This is evident in her constant partying, new nose piercing, plans for a new tattoo and her overall selfish behavior. Again, just as an alcoholic would act.
Last night when I showed up to drop S off, I had decided to wait until after the holidays to let her know if she wasn’t willing then I was no longer waiting. I was happy and acting “as if,” until W told me she was going out of town next weekend and what her plans were. She said it was for her, but I know the vacation package she is buying and it is for two, still it could be just her going, but at this point I’m not going to sit through another weekend wondering if it’s with OM, a different OM, or if she will do as she has during college and find a one night stand. So at this point I preceded forward.
I asked W what she wanted out of our R? She said she didn’t know and that she was confused. I said that she has had six months decide what she was doing and I felt I deserved an answer that wasn’t I don’t know anymore. She said she was sorry but that is the answer. That she wanted to continue going out and having a good time with people. I said I can’t stand by why you club and I watch S constantly. She got upset by this comment saying I was calling her parenting ability poor. I said I didn’t say that, but she has a right to interpret how she chooses. She said that is exactly what it is, and that she is going to continue “finding herself.” To which I said, fine that is all I needed to know. I intended to leave it at that and go.
She then stood in front of the door and asked what I was feeling. I told her that I felt like she was keeping me on the side as an option while she searches for greener pastures, that my heart is a yo-yo. I said I feel bad that I have hurt you, I feel bad that our S will be affected by this. At this point I said thanks for listening and went to leave. W said no we have to talk. She said she doesn’t want me to leave that night, but that she can’t give me anything. She can’t make any promises about our future and that I just had to wait. I reiterated that is what I just said I can no longer do. I stated that a man needs to feel his W trusts him, appreciates him and needs him, and I wasn’t getting any of these and could no longer cherish, love and trust her when there was no return on her part.
At this point I opened the door to the bedroom, found S playing and said goodbye to him. Said I would see him on X-mas. Told W to have a Merry X-mas and left. She immediately called me and when I answered she hung up on me. No contact since.
I’m not closing the door to a possibility, but if she doesn’t want me around for X-mas, if she is going away next weekend, and spending new years with someone else, that says something. Unless I see a commitment to commit and the proper actions, I’m not continuing and I will get the settlement agreement in place and get my divorce decree.
I have realized that I deserve to be happy, loved and to share my life with someone that I can cherish and love. I’m going to take the next while, who knows how long, but I see a timeline of years, to get my finances in order. Build up my career and do some things for me. Continue to be the best father I am and begin to plan for a fulfilling life, surrounding myself with good people.
The main realization that drove this decision is that W wants to party and club her life away. I found out she has been hanging out with a very well to do older gentlemen, 70 plus, he takes an entourage around town at night buying all the drinks, and she is his arm candy. Her mother said she is now an escort, to which I agree. She sees it as fun, but I don’t see it that way and any sane person wouldn’t see it that way either.
Every time I saved our money to do anything for us, she would take it out and blow it on partying, clothes, etc. I want a good life, with nice things, travel and good career. I don’t want to be in the position her mother is in that she will have to work until she dies since she partied her whole life away and has no retirement to show for it. I’m looking for security, financially, emotionally, and a loving W and family that I can give to.
I could be wrong on my assessment of W, but I think the whole entire mess revolves around her issues with her father’s abandonment. She needs me to “abandon” her. I know she started the D, but now she is dragging her feet and at the same time, saying things and doing things I don’t want to hear. That way I’m leaving, since she keeps kicking me while I’m down. Well no longer, it’s time to quit enabling this poor behavior and let her go to rock bottom. I feel more like I’m doing an intervention then anything, I’ll give her her abandonment so that she can blame me and be upset and vindictive. She will realize over time what she done, she is a counselor after all.
All of the X-mas gifts are over at my house right now, I just plan on taking the ones she brought to her apartment on X-mas eve, giving her what I bought her and leaving. I need my sanity and don’t want to be a part of the drama any longer.
I hate to say it Atlas, but I think this is the right decision as I've continued to watch your W exhibiting the "more of the same" behaviors she's shown since you came to this site. IMHO, she is definitely stringing you along, and it simply has to do with the recent outcome in court. Like I asked you when you first came back to the boards: do you think your W would've asked to work things out if the outcome in court fell in her favor? Methinks we both know the answer to that. Remember what she told you immediately following court -- about how she got "raped in court" and that now she's lost her H, family, and home -- ? I think the first part of that statement says a lot about her reasoning to continue stringing you along. She got her ass handed to her in court, and now she's trying to get you to reverse what happened that day. It's all about her, and I'm glad you're realizing that. If she really wanted to work on things with you, she wouldn't continue asking you to watch your S while she went out partying, continue not following through with plans, keep fence sitting, etc. And I'm not sure how you know that she's going out and being arm candy for this older guy, but that says a lot too. And are you saying she's escorting him, or being an escort in general? I guess either way, not something you want to invest your heart in.
Sorry if this comes across blunt, but from my POV, your W is playing with your heart in order to serve HER best interests, and your choice to move on and end this game of hers is the best thing you can do for you, and sadly, your S. At least at this time. She hasn't proven she's changed at all.
First, your not harsh at all, just honest and I've always valued the wisdom your willing to share. As for court, if she would have cleaned house, she would be gone. If did want to work on things, then she would be working on them, she is not. She met this guy one night in a martini bar, he thinks he is a thug, maybe who knows or cares, but she likes going with him and his "entourage" (sp?) and being his arm candy. How do I know about this, she is bragging about it to me, and her mother. A real proud moment for us all, one step away from a hooker. How nice. Maybe I can put that in our X-mas card next year.
Thanks for the message and it is the good choice. I'm usually the one that wants the ball in my court, and in a way it is, I made my choice. But in reality, I left the door open and all she has to do is walk through it. I'm not going to watch it, but I have to say this is the hardest decision I have ever made. I truly love her, but she won't fix herself until nothing is left and she may never fix herself.
I honestly feel this is the best thing I can do for her. By doing what we were doing it wasn't helping either of us, but it especially isn't helping her. Her older sister went through the same thing a few years ago, and is still a total wreck, dating a guy who is a mirror image of the former bad guy, only instead of a suit, he's a cowboy. Everyone sees it but her. So it makes me think W will never get it together. I don't want to be a part of that.
It's hard to use your head when it's matters of the heart, but sometimes you just have to. It's about laughs and cries, and now it is more about cries then laughs, so it's time.
So, after W left I begun a search for a roommate since I couldn't afford the mortgage. The first person that showed was not someone I would allow around my son. I'm not an innocent person so I don't hold how he looked against him, but I could tell he was disturbed.
This was months ago. Well last night, he held his W hostage in their house, they were splitting up, he let her go. Crawled up into the attic, when police entered he pulled a gun and they killed him. I feel like I almost know him, since during the interview, I was rather thourough.
He really didn't seem like a bad guy, just looked like life had dealt him a bad hand. Crazy!
Whew, Atlas! That must make your skin crawl. You have good instincts to have seen that he was not someone you wanted in your life or your son's. What a terrible story! I know you must feel like you dodged a bullet there.
