I didn't mean it was about punishment... I definitely didn't mean that. I just meant that, in effect, the children are being punished just by the circumstances. But I definitely get where you're coming from, Mrs. cac, including the feeling sick part.
When I re-read your post today, I realized that you were referring to the kids. Last night I was up way past my bedtime frantically wrapping gifts and generally feeling stressed-out. 'Tis the season.
How are you IC? I know Christmas alone is tough. But I think you're doing the right thing. You all need some time to breathe. MissIC, we're thinking of you, and your entire family, and sending lots of good wishes.
I'm not really the one I'm concerned about right now. I've already seen the depths of hell, and now unfortunately, I've introduced Miss IC to them as well.
Good point. It is a pickle because to give a reason is also going to be translated into shifting blame...And I won't do that either
That's nonsense, IMHO. If, God forbid, you killed a guy in a hunting accident, you and everybody else you know would for damn sure be on the witness stand trying to demonstrate that it wasn't premeditated.
I'm not trying to compare your incident of infidelity with an accident. All I'm saying is, all explanation should not be equated with an attempt to shift blame, and I would be amazed if Miss IC didn't feel the same (of course I can't speak for her and now might not be the time, but eventually .....) Nothing *excuses* it. But the circumstances matter, as does your thought process and mental/emotional state at the time. How are either of you going to learn anything useful from this if you don't delve into the whys and wherefores, *honestly* and exhaustively?
Pain suffered without any increase in wisdom is a sad waste.
And, Mr. Depths Of Hell .... watch that hairshirt.
Chin up.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
You are responsible to tell your truth about what happened and what you thought about it from the perspective of who you were at the time. What you think about it all from the perspective of the person you are now wouldn't hurt either.
Miss IC is responsible for how she responds to all that, and her truth about how things were then may well differ. But trying to preemptively manage her emotions or "spare her" out of fear that she will hear your words as an attempt to shift blame or weasel out does you both a disservice. She's a big girl. Tell the truth -- the WHOLE truth, including what thoughts and emotions led you to where you wound up -- and trust. She's an honest woman, she'll be able to sort the wheat from the chaff.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
I'm not trying to compare your incident of infidelity with an accident. All I'm saying is, all explanation should not be equated with an attempt to shift blame, and I would be amazed if Miss IC didn't feel the same (of course I can't speak for her and now might not be the time, but eventually .....) Nothing *excuses* it. But the circumstances matter, as does your thought process and mental/emotional state at the time. How are either of you going to learn anything useful from this if you don't delve into the whys and wherefores, *honestly* and exhaustively?
This going to get picked apart on so many levels and Miss IC and myself have already been discussing this, but here it goes...I'm sitting at the bar having a few drinks after my dinner. I'm watching a game on the tv. A woman comes up to me and starts conversing with me. She's validating me in a way that I had not been receiving at home and in a way in which I thought I wanted and needed. Then she wanted me to follow her to her car...again, more validation that I thought I wanted and was missing at home. Then the sex started and I realized that this was not the type of validation I was looking for...Too late IC, you just commited adultery against your wife. Months later, I would now know why I was not getting what I needed and wanted at home and it had nothing to do with Miss IC, it was me. I made changes to me and we began having a good marriage again. I'm not content with good and in order to get to great, one glaring black eye had to be addressed and at a risk of sending a good marriage into a sh!t hole. I took the risk and now I've got a tough road ahead. Now will someone please come on here and pick apart and refute everything that I said.
Originally Posted By: Kettricken
And, Mr. Depths Of Hell .... watch that hairshirt.
What did I do here? I've been in Miss IC's shoes with my first marriage and now I've subjected her to that same pain. ????
I'm not really the one I'm concerned about right now. I've already seen the depths of hell, and now unfortunately, I've introduced Miss IC to them as well.
No, IC.
This is not hell. It's pain, and agony, but it's not hell. Hell is something steady and relentless, or sudden and blinding, but always something you cannot ever amend with patience, or love, or forgiveness. Hell is the thing without hope. The love you have, for MissIC, for your girls, will never be a thing without hope.
If you're into meditation, meditate. On this time of rebirth - Pagan, Christian - and the tilting of the earth's axis towards Spring. And then start walking.
It's going to be a long walk. You won't know where you're going.
I've been struggling with a lot of things that last few days.... hurt, sadness, betrayal of trust, anger, and yes....love. I love IC, but yet he stepped over a very hard boundary of mine. One that until now, I never imagined I would have to enforce with him. I'm faced with a very difficult decision for me. Do I A). Stick to my boundary and kick IC to the curb or B). Allow IC this one lone mulligan...but then what becomes of my boundaries? I have not contemplated a C,D,E, or F but they might be out there.
If I do A), who is going to win from that? IC is a dynamic, charming, loving individual that until just a few short days ago, I invisioned spending the rest of my life with. I feared losing this man to cancer and not being able to have the opportunity to share life with him. Now I've been dealt the choice, MY CHOICE , of whether I desire to end our lives together as we know it and cut IC out of my life as much as this would do, or try to see past this and maybe regain a glimpse of what we had...just a few short days ago.
I don't feel I've made this choice in haste. I don't know if this is a popular choice amongst the folks on the board, and personally, I don't care...it's MY CHOICE. IC, I'm giving you the gift of a second chance. What you choose to do with this gift is entirely up to you....there is NO third chance Does this mean that you are off the hook? NO! We still have lots of issues that WILL be dealt with and how you handle them WILL determine whether you get to keep that gift. I've reserved the right to take it back and you WILL NOT recieve it again...AM I CLEAR?
This is NOT going to be easy for you. You have been very open, humble and honest with me with everything that I have asked. Have you earned my trust? HELL NO! I have NO trust in you and if I feel the need to lock your genitals up in some medieval chastity device until I feel I can trust you...I WILL! What you have been given, is the chance to try and rebuild my trust in you. My advice to you...DON'T F*CK IT UP!
Have I made myself clear?
PS. To everyone out there that showed hugs and support for me, thank you. I'm hurting, but I am strong and will be ok
You're right Miss IC, it is your choice. I truly hope you can find forgiveness for IC. I do scratch my head though at why you didn't let him know this in private? Why on here? Is this the only way you are communicating?
Does this mean that you are off the hook? NO! We still have lots of issues that WILL be dealt with and how you handle them WILL determine whether you get to keep that gift. I've reserved the right to take it back and you WILL NOT recieve it again...AM I CLEAR?