Went and picked up *perfect* table, chairs and hutch for the new house last night. It was a craigslist find-originally cost $2500 and I got it for $800.
The landlord/seller was nice enough to let my friend and I drop it off in the garage of the house.
Afterwards, as my girlfriend and I were headed off to find some food, I said "Well, that's a big step towards my new life!" Initially, I had felt pretty good about it, but as soon as the words were uttered I felt an overwhelming sadness and started crying. (not bawling, just 'leaking')
I have started packing more. Cry on and off while doing it. I sure hope that I am getting most of the tears out of the way. I don't want to be crying for the next month straight. I am still in a little bit of shock that this is REALLY happening. My head "knows"; my heart is still feeling a bit dazed and confused.
The other day we talked about what "we" would be giving DD for Christmas. He told me some "wishes" he had and asked me what I wanted. I ended up telling him a couple of things for my new house. After we hung up, it hit me--I just asked my HUSBAND to get me gifts for my new house because WE'RE GETTING A DIVORCE! That is f'ed up.
Today my H is supposed to come over (before DD gets here and we "celebrate" Christmas) so that we can do some property division. If he wasn't leaving town and coming back after I plan to start moving into my house, I would not want to do Christmas the same day as we discuss who is getting what.
I am exhausted most days; but then wake up at night with my heart pounding out of my chest and fear gripping me and I have trouble going back to sleep.
Somewhere I have read that the WAS feels a lot of relief to be done with the LBS. They're glad to be done. It saddens me to think that *I* am someone that my H wants to be done with and that he'll get to feel relief when this is over. I'm a burden, a dead-weight, a cast off. I know I am projecting (somewhat) but surely if he is willing to force this process to move along, then he must be feeling some of that.
I don't know how to act today. I don't want the memory that he takes to New York be of me being a wreck/needy/upset. On the other hand, that's how I feel. I am NOT happy about this. I DON'T think this is a good decision.
I think I'm going to go and take a shower and see if I can cry SOO much that there are no more tears left for the rest of the day.
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
