I'm a giver, true, but not necessarily in a healthy way. I give more and more and do with less and less for myself until one day I look up and realize I'm on a starvation diet. I'm like the frog who gets put in the pot of water, then the pot goes in the freezer. He doesn't know until it's too late that he's frozen to death.
The ironic thing is that my bf says I'm "demanding"-- which couldn't be farther from the truth. He sees all women as demanding. I had another bf who had major issues with women in general. I do see a pattern in my relationships. My instinct is telling you that I need to feel loved, to be cherished, pampered and fussed over. My behavior does not support this instinct and has not supported it in the past.
My late H did make me feel loved and cherished, but his medical problems eclipsed just about everything. I don't idealize my relationship with him-- I think I see it clearly: he was a very good, loving man, but his health eroded his sense of himself and he fell into depression-- who could blame him? He was the best and most loving of all the R's I've been in. I still feel him with me.
I'm not sure that it matters that much for me to figure out exactly what's going on inside of my bf. Like eating a porcupine-- too many spines to get through even if there is a tasty interior. Besides, that keeps him at the center of my thoughts... and he's been there WAY too much as it is.
I'm not unhappy at the current turn of events, now that I'm getting used to it. We've talked on the phone a few times and he's made no mention of getting together, or even of me coming to his mom's apt for dinner. At first that bothered me, but I'm thinking more and more like a single person again and planning my own activities.
This ankle thing is really a blessing in disguise. It has forced me to confront and recognize where I fit into his life. I see us morphing into friend-friends. Let's (by that I mean ME) face it, he really isn't all that interested in seeing me or being with me. If he were, he'd find a way to be with me from time to time without leaving his mom in the lurch either.
I've got to remember: when my DH was alive, I KNEW what it felt like to be loved. This isn't it.
I do believe he loves me in his way. I want us to continue to be friends, if only because we're neighbors, we own two dogs, I love his daughters, his house is 1/2 mile from my health club, we have many ACTIVITY things in common. But my romantic/emotional eggs are not safe in his basket.
