Flipping the tortilla

I have written a very long email....I wanted to bring up some points. She says she in not confused and her thoughts are very clear. I wouldnt mind telling her why I think she is confused. I'm sure my email doesnt quite fit the DB'ing, but where am I now? this whole thing is spiraling down hill....

There is a reason that it isn't recommended by DB'ers... Because it does not work.

Just because it seems like the camel is dying doesn't mean you should shoot it in the head. Do you want to drive her further away so working on a plan for the kids becomes more stressful for you both?

[mako]

It has been said time and again that writing long e-mails does not work. Tons of people have tried it and it gets them nowhere positive. I've tried it in a time of reactionary desperation and all it did was set me back and make my W want to talk to me even less. Others say the same thing.

Telling her why she shouldn't feel what she is feeling will only make her feel stronger about what she's feeling. It's textbook, that's just the way it is. Read through all the threads: these WAS types all act in very similar ways and pushing them in certain ways--like telling them they are wrong--yields very similar results.

So, take the advice of everyone whose tried this before: It almost certainly won't work in any positive way. Don't do it.

[bhopeful]

Listen to Mako and Brit. The email is not a good idea. I was just talked down from sending one earlier this week and I'm glad that I did as it would have most likely pushed her away. Focus on your children and whats best for them right now.

[Tostada]

I just sort of feel like I have accomplished nothing since the bomb. I feel like our situation has just degraded and become worse and worse week after week.

W has just snowballed her thoughts into more negatives and 'we nevers'....

when does she realize what she's giving up for what she doesnt know what she's getting?

[bhopeful]

Before I found DB which was about a month in I begged, pleaded, tried to reason with her, tried to tell her things would be different, and etc. These were all just words to her and only made her feel guilty for what she was doing and feeling. Guilt was not enough reason for her to come home and if it was it wasn't a good reason.

Then I found DB and realized that I had to actually change and I had to do it now. So, I did. It wasn't and hasn't been easy, but the results are rewarding. It took her a month before she could see and acknowledge my changes and I'm not completely sure that she believes them all completely yet. I don't have to try to stay consistent, I am consistent because this is who I am. You need to really and truly believe in the changes that you make for yourself and do more than just act them out. Be a new man.

My W is floundering a bit right now because I believe that she is seeing what she would be giving up but she still feels the need for space. Time is on our side in this. D or no D, does it really make a difference? There are stories out there where people reconcile after a D. There's one in my own family and it took them two years. Don't give up hope.

I hope my little story helps in some way...
B

[Tostada]

I have made changes and she has noticed them. In fact, she has said so and says I hope the changes make you happy. She has also said 'but its too late' several times. I hate that.

I guess whats killing me is she's giving up on me and my potential to be her ideal partner. I think I have figured out what it is we need most. It's effort towards us. It's making us the #1 priority. Its her feeling loved by me.

And...that she's not willing to give an effort at all towards any solutions to make our family again. She has just given up. I feel she owes at least the kids that opportunity to see what would happen if we worked on what it was that was missing from us. Its amazing how selfish so quickly she has become.

I didnt send the email. The only thing I sent was we could discuss it over dinner. Not sure why we would need to discuss a parenting plan if we are both in the same house. Other thing Lawyer told me was I hold a ton of cards here. If she files for something, it cannot come up in court for 11 months. Thus, if she wants to leave, she's going to have to do it on her own and would have to negotiate bigtime to get the finances out of me to buy a house asap.

[Tostada]

w emailed me last night asking if I wanted to pick her and the kids up at the airport later today?

I replied asking how did they get there, that I might be able to, and what's wrong with just calling?

she doesn't call anymore, everything is by email. I have no idea how they got to the airport.

so...I get this reply.

"I called a towncar so don't worry...just thought you might want to see the kids..this not about me...it is about them."

of course its about them. why does she have so much anger? why does she try to lay the guilt trip on me about the kids with every opportunity?

I think shes trying to pass along some of the guilt she is feeling and trying to start a fight to justify her decisions.

I'm tired of communicating by email. and I am tired of her anger at me. I haven't done anything to deserve it.

[Tostada]

sort of an interesting exchange tonight...

W came home from being gone skiing with kids for 5 days.

She was browsing through all the xmas cards we got while she was gone. One of her 'complaints' of me was that I had no friends. So, in going through the cards, she made a comment about all these cards from my 'work' friends (i dont work in an office, so its nice to get these) I answered, 'I'm sort of surprised too I had that many friends'...One of the other issues is she says she has become really close with some friends at work. She doesnt want to introduce me to these people. We have not received one card from any of those friends.

In fact, one of her friends I suspect an EA with....So...i mentioned we were still waiting to get a card from this person. She didnt really like either comment. But, I mentioned, if these friends were really so close, why no xmas cards? Seems sort of opposite doesnt it? Of course this EA at work is not going to send her a card.

I gave her a hug and told her I missed her while she was gone. She said she would miss me if she came home to positive comments. I told her these are all reality.

Fact is she is having an EA with this joker.....but still calls him a 'close friend'...if he was a close friend, we would be getting a card from his family, just like all the other 100+ families we received cards from.

I gave her a hug and told her I missed her while she was gone. She said she would miss me if she came home to positive comments. I told her these are all reality.

Sounds like she was halfway towards missing you and you ended up making her return home unpleasant for her.

EA or no EA, this isn't the way to interact with your W - Behaving as if you are bitter and jealous, even if you are, is not at all appealing to anyone.

[mako]

I agree with Brit.

Her friendship with the joker doesn't really matter...she could be good friends with other people yet still want to come home to you every night as your W. But she's never going to do that if her interactions with you are negative. Just think: would she have married you to begin with if you were always bitter and negative? It's just not appealing, I wouldn't want to be with someone like that.

I know it's rough, but that's what acting as if is all about...despite the pain you act like you're alright, you act like the person that she fell in love with and would want to be with. If interactions are always positive then she may or may not decide that yes, you make her feel positive, you're the type of guy she can be happy with. If they are always negative, she will certainly never feel that way...