Happy Together at Long Last!!!

[Jen_Jam]

Hey Scott - thank you for the b'day wishes - I had a lovely day!

Onto an update on my sitch - all is still good.

I should have said I gave H a mini bomb in November. I didn't do it out of spite, but I really couldn't see a way through. I didn't say I would leave him, in fact I said I DIDN'T want to, but I said I felt that I was still taking the lion's share of the house admin/work, orgainsing our time/finances etc etc. For example, it's me who opens the post and files it, me who does the food shopping (I have a car, H can't drive so it makes sense), me who tells H when we need to save more money, and it's often me who decides where we go/what we do with our free time.

I was not happy with this, to me it means I'm still in control and I would prefer a partnership. I felt if we carried on like this H would end up in his "I feel controlled" mode (even though he contributed to that by never speaking up and stating what he wanted).

So on Nov 13th/14th I said I'd had enough. The house needs some tlc, there is a wall in the garden where the render has come off and it's ugly concrete blocks, I had been saying "what shall we do about the wall" and no real answer .... so I stopped nagging cos that's a cheeseless tunnel. But - no nagging = H happy, nothing gets done. Not an ideal solution either. So I asked H "what do I need to do? I don't want to nag and you don't like it when I nag, but if I don't nothing gets done. So what is the answer?".

H stated he would make more of an effort, not just with the house but with putting me "first" sometimes (at times I feel I come a poor second after work, the gym, his need to stop for a quick pint on the way home). I don't need to be "first" all of the time, I understand life does get in the way, but as long as I see me coming first sometimes that's fine. H also asked me to look out for the positives and focus on them.

So the deal was - his task was to make more of an effort, mine was to notice the positives and put less focus on the negative. I agreed with this readliy.

So we'd had the talk, and I'd stated what i wanted. Then on Weds night H tells me he has a NY resolution - he wants us to decorate the living room AND he is going to look into sorting out the wall, cos he's fed up with looking at it. H said in the new year we should sit down together and come up with ideas on how we want the living room to look, then really put the time in to create that. H also said he was going to speak to a few builders about the wall. he said he'd like us to do most of the work ourselves as it's more satisfying, but realised some building jobs are best left to the professionals.

Me? I could feel my jaw wanting to hit the floor. I'd been 180'd!!!!!!! Of course I was SO PLEASED!!! I had got what I wanted. Now I will see if he makes good on this, but my gut feeling says yes he will. it's just so refershing that HE took the lead on this. He even said he'd "let things slide" in the summer but now he wanted to get stuck in (with the house stuff I mean).

Contrast this with MLC H in 2005/6 - didn't want to do anything, life was "too regimented", he never had fun anymore, everything was all too much and he just wanted to forget all his responsibilities and go out and enjoy himself. He's gorwing up, realising that there has to be a balance. Yes we can have fun but if it means racking up loads of credit card debt then we have to think of alternative ways to enjoy ourselves. Yes it's nice to go out but if the house is a tip and we don't like living in a tip then if we both put in a couple of hours we can get it tidy enough (just enough, not pristine) and then go out and have fun.

The alien which invaded my H has gone. I can now see the H I always wanted. It took a HECK of a lot of patience to get here though. I hope it stays.