All Hope is lost/Help - Part 2

[25yearsmlc]

Dear Dis,

Here are a few ideas/lines/poss replies. See what feels right for you, if any.

"I've had a lot to think about. If I could do things over, I'd do many things differently. I've changed for the better and for that, I'm grateful. However, despite our marital challenges, it was solely your decision to leave the marriage. It may take two to have problems in the marriage, but it only takes one person to end it."

"I'm sorry your life right now isn't all great, but for me the pain of your rejection is still fresh and raw..." "This isn't a competition for who hurts more now"

"let's not revise the marital history too much, it prevents growth and moving on in the long run. The truth is, you wanted out. I wanted to work on the marriage. You quit, I stayed."
OR "Maybe you're right and our R was hopelessly damaged. But still, I wanted to get through it together and you chose to leave, not me."

LOOKING FORWARD to new boundaries that are clearly established and fair to both. And communicated. Let the boys answer the phone if he calls and they're available and willing. You don't have to answer but don't keep them from talking to him or you'll lose out in the long run. Just remove yourself from the picture and let him have the kids to himself. Your presence will be missed and your absence noticed. If it isn't, that would suck but surely sticking yourself into the sitch when you're asked not to, makes it worse. Back off again.

He's defending himself. That's not great. Do NOT argue with him about his choices. That makes you a "parent' attacking his choices and that forces him to defend the choices, instead of looking fairly at the choices HE made. Don't defend yourself with a point by point rebuttal. His memory is NOT the same as yours no matter what you tell him now. It's crazy but true. Defending yourself does nothing to show you've changed...

Let that inner voice of his speak up but it'll be drowned if YOU keep piping up arguing with him or using that "parental" voice asking "why? why?" THAT question almost ALWAYS triggers defensive responses. So
keep all this in mind when you choose how to respond to him.

good luck, and don't worry about the nasty things HE says to you. Just own what you said and take it back or apologize, specifically but no more than twice. Then drop it and if he brings it up again, say you apologized and won't do it again, and what else is there to say? HE needs to own what he has said and DONE....leaving you and the kids says A LOT...those are actions of his and whatever regrets he has are GOOD news for you. Yeah, the grass ain't so green out there, (I read that the "grass is greener...where you water it the most...")

Let him discover these things that are obvious to you and us. He has to do it himself. As far as OM are concerned...first off, it is none of his business. Don't bother answering him on that. Seriously, it's weird. Maybe it's jealousy, which means you should be mysterious. Maybe he wants to feel less guilt but I doubt that you telling him you're offended and hurt and NOT interested in OM is going to cause him more or less guilt. Just makes him feel burdened more, which isn't good for you. Don't guilt him because it backfires every time. You can laugh it off or say "Yeah, I really really need another R right now and so do the kids..."
Tell him, if you must, that you're working on you right now and enjoying the time to focus and get "centered" on your own priorities and growth and make it sound appealing and upbeat to be you living YOUR life....when you get around to it, of course OM will be there for you, if YOU want. For now, your hands are full with lots of good things in your full life. hope this helps.
j-