All Hope is lost/Help - Part 2

[Jen_Jam]

Jen - How quickly or what response did you get from H when you did the lack of sympathy? Was he reaching out to you as well?

Well - I certainly didn't get a quick response! My H was in MLC land, fed up with "responsibilities" like having to keep the house clean, having to realise it's not a good idea to go out and splurge £1000 on a new amplifier when the credit card bill has £4000 on it, he even got annoyed that he couldn't go out and get drunk then get up fine the next morning like he could when he was 18.
BUT - it did two things:
1. I felt a LOT better about myself. I had done all the talking, and the sympathy, and I had already stated if I could help I would, but I wasn't going to push him to let me help him (a lot of what he had to deal with he had to do alone)
2. It did help pull him out, but it took a while, but the first signs I noticed were I could see he was thinking ... these were tiny signs. I'm such a "fixer" that for me to step back and say I was only going to help IF i was asked was a big 180 for me. 180's are VERY powerful - i've done them and I've been on the end of them. But they don't get immediate results, cos if someone changes you always exepct them to revert back, it's only consistent change that convinces.

So, to sum up it wasn't a magic cure but it did set some wheels in motion. To give you my timeframe, I think I stopped the sympathy in Summer 2006, BUT H had said at that time he didn't want a D, but didn't see how we could be happy together. I went into depression in October 2006 and didn't really come out of it until the next summer (this year). H had already recommited to the M, but I didn't feel as if he was really there until late summer this year. So if I were to date it I would say it took a year. Wish it could be quicker, but the sad fact is that a magic cure which works in a flash is very rare. I wish it weren't so, but consistency and patience are key in DB'ing.