Blackfoot, I don't always grok everything you say, but I think I agree with a lot of this. In that it's not my husband's job to maintain my attraction to him; I'm a growed-up girl and I signed up for a lifelong monogamous sexually-active relationship with him, so it's MY job to maintain my feelings of attraction toward him. Granted, desire is somewhat fugitive and changeable at the best of times, but to a degree I do think it's a choice. Sometimes the emotion has to follow the action ... or the conviction .... but so be it. Whether you're looking for the manure or the pony ride makes a big difference.
(Of course there are instances where one's partner by mishap or design is making him or herself as actively unattractive as possible, and there's only so much anyone can take, but as you say that's no excuse for either infidelity or bailing without trying.)
However, regardless of the fact that maintaining attraction is my responsibility, if he wants to make my fidelity easy rather than hard he will do things that tend to increase my attraction to him, to wit, flirting with me, being mentally available for conversation or sex or some kind of playfulness, touching me often, being an ethical and upstanding human being, and maintaining himself to a reasonable standard as a healthy toothsome animal.
And of course it works both ways; I try to do things that make it natural to maintain his attraction to me. This involves things like dressing up for him, engaging in *extensive* conversation, and being supportive and patient of his occasional forays into programmer or composer fugue states which make him completely unavailable to me or indeed anyone.
That's not placating; it's love. Why shouldn't I try to make it pleasant to keep his vows, as long as my personal integrity is not damaged in any way? That's not the same thing as making myself *responsible* for his half. IMHO.
And anyone who pleads, "Please please don't leave me, I'll do anything you want", either overtly or by their actions, has already immolated their personal integrity and will not be able to rebuild a successful marriage on those ashes. If they do, it will be at the sacrifice of their dignity and self-respect, which seems like a rather Pyrrhic victory. Again IMHO.
BTW, restraining myself from making an unsheathed Claymore joke with *extreme* difficulty .....
And I hope you use Covergirl. 'Cause the nice stuff is bloody expensive.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
