Willing to be disturbed...

[ediemarie]

Well - my shopping is almost done - almost! One gift for my bro, one for my mom, one for H and I'll be done. H and I are heading to my parents tomorrow for the weekend and Christmas Eve. Then off to his family for Christmas day. I'm looking forward to the holiday being over - I hate that. I hate to wish for holidays/days/weeks/months to be over. I'm trying to focus on enjoying each and every day and live them to the fullest. I think I read on here somewhere if you take care of the cents the dollars take care of themselves. I think that applies to other situations - you take care of being happy/content/blessing others etc today and the rest will follow. I'm sure of it.

Not a whole lot is going on. I really do lead a boring life. I need to work on that. One thing that I'm working on doing is reconnecting with old friends. I really checked out of everyone's life when H dropped the bombs he did. I should have done better at returning phone calls/emails/invitations to meet up with others for drinks. But at the time I was frozen in this denial, depression, embarrassement, etc that I was incapable of responding. I can't explain it well. I wanted to be with people, I wanted to have friends in my life, I just wasn't ready or able - does that make sense? And now, well, I'm able. I want that. I fear that I have lost some friends for good but I won't know until I try. Most of my friends aren't aware of everything going on with me and H, so this could be tricky. I'm meeting one friend on Thursday evening and another for lunch on Friday. I'm looking forward to it, but know that I may have some crow to eat - all well. Such is life.

Not much has changed with me and H. He's focused on completing him and I'm focused on completing me. We haven't had an R talk in over a month. I'm ok with that. I don't even know what I would say and I can't think of anything I would want to hear from him - except that he's ready to take our R to the physical level - we're at 22 months with no sex, but who's counting? He's affectionate, loving, caring, flirty, etc but NO SEX. None. Zip. Nada. Nothing. Not even pationate kissing and heavy petting - my students get more action than I do - gross. Anyway - if we could get our sex life back on track I would feel a whole lot better about us. Sex watch begins. I'm on day 685 without sex. We were joking about it last weekend and his response was "well, I think that issue is going to be fixed pretty soon." I laughed and wrapped my legs around him (we were standing in the kitchen getting ready to go out) and said "forget going out, let's just stay home and fix it now!" I said it laughing, and he laughed too, so it was a good moment. But we still went out. Truth be told, I'm really nervous about the whole idea of being intimate with him. I don't know if I'm really ready for that. I still have flashbacks about his A and there are some imagined images that I have a difficult time getting out of my head. I don't think those images are going to play out very well in the heat of the moment...

Well - that's it for now. Thanks for reading. Hope you all are doing well!