Have I waited too long?

[cat11]

Wow, I've been reading posts for 2 solid days. I will try to make this short, so please ask questions if I leave something unclear. My h and I have been married for 4 years, together for 9. Things have not been good sexually since before we married. At first it was crazy...kinky great sex all the time. Then my libido dropped off. He has a very high drive and is a wonderful, generous lover. I have no real reasons for my ld. I love him to death. Over the years my lack of attention to him sexually has taken its toll. He had an affair back when we were just living together and we talked...I made an effort and things were better for a while, I promised him things would change, but then I dropped off again. He told me a month ago he can't go on like this. I believe he has met someone else, and in fact I'm afraid he's about to embark on an affair with someone out of town...where he's spending the holidays with his family. I don't know this for sure, I just think somethings up. I wouldn't blame him. I know I haven't given him what he needs and he's told me how hurt he has been by my rejection. We've become the couple living as roommates with separate lives. He told me that I am a perfect wife in every respect except sex, but that's something he can't live without.This is so crazy...he is so very attractive to me. I blame it on things like him being emotionally distant, not doing the small things to show me he cares. But the fact is, I know he has only become that way because he doesn't feel wanted by me. I have read the first chapter of SSM and have it on order. I really beleive that this time I can make some real changes in myself and open up. I went shopping today and bought clothes that I know he would like to see me in. Things that my low self confidence usually won't allow me to wear, but things that I know he finds attractive. Bottom line is I know what I need to do and want to do to change things. My fears are that first, it will be too late. He may have already begun a relationship that gives him what I haven't. Second, since we've been down this road before and I promised things were going to be different, then I failed...he probably won't be very willing to believe in me this time. All I can think of to tell him is this: "You have no reason to believe this time will be any different, I know I've let you down before. I'm not going to make promises that you may not trust in. All I can ask of you is that you stay with this marriage long enough to see if things really do turn around." I know he loves me deeply, which is why this whole situation is so hurtful for him. For a long time I tried the tact of "Sex is not the most important thing in a relationship." But I know from reading here that it really kind of is...I talk about not getting emotional intimacy, at the same time I deny it to him in the way he needs it. Not sure why I went ahead and posted instead of continuing to lurk. I'm terrified I'm going to lose him and will have no one to blame but myself.

[Lillieperl]

Hi, cat. If you've been reading posts for two days, then you pretty much know what to do.

You're married, and you're spending the holidays apart? Why aren't you going with him to his family? I say go-- don't let him go by himself.

Also, show him this post or tell him what's in it. Ask for a specific length of time-- say, six months to a year-- for you to "prove" that you've changed. Decide between the two of you what would be an appropriate frequency for sexual contact so that he won't feel deprived and you won't feel overwhelmed-- three times per week? twice per week?

If you search for posts by NOPkins and Mrs NOP, you'll see that their R was stymied much like yours, and they couldn't decide on frequency, so they came up with every day. Yup. There's another couple on here who negotiated every day. Both have had success with that. At least make sure no more than X number of days go by without one of you initiating (where x= 2 or 3)

There's more, and others will probably add... if he loves you, it likely is not too late.

You don't mention children-- what's the story there?

[cat11]

Thanks for your quick reply Lil. We do not have any kids together but H has a daughter in another state from a previous marriage. He visits her frequently and has always spent Christmas with her and his family (they all live in his hometown). I've always stayed here to spend Christmas with my family. Thanks for the tips on posts to search for. I'll do that right now. I think your idea of asking for a lenghth of time is a good one. I really need him to know that I'm not just asking him to hang in limbo forever. He doesn't want to leave. I know that. I'm in tears right now typing this. I know I'm so lucky to have him and I'm so ashamed that I've let it get to this point.

[Lillieperl]

Be sure you get this message across to him asap. Is he already out of town? How far away?

When are you all going to start spending Christmas together? You, him, his daughter? Going "home" to your own family is kind of adolescent, isn't it. Aren't you all HOME with each other?

I know you don't blame him for having an A, and you feel that this is all your fault. BUT however understandable it might be, there's no excuse for having an A. Both of you have things to be contrite for and things to forgive. You're not a criminal and he's not a saint, and vice versa.

[cat11]

Actually, the Christmas thing is the least of our problems. It's the only holiday we don't spend together and it's important that he spend it with his daughter. My work is such that I have to work Christmas day. You're right about the affair. He always swore to me that even though something happened when we were living together he would never cheat on me now that we're married. I'm just afraid he may feel pushed into a corner. Not wanting to leave me but needing validation. I'm sending him sweet emails from time to time, and we talk daily, but I'm just hoping that will be enough to keep me in his mind until he gets back. I know I can make a go of it this time. Maybe I just realized that this time he really means it. He will leave me if things don't change. I've let things go on for too long. He's 46 and I think he feels like life is going by and he's not happy. I really do think this is my last chance.

[Lillieperl]

I'm sending him sweet emails from time to time, and we talk daily, but I'm just hoping that will be enough to keep me in his mind until he gets back. I know I can make a go of it this time.

Have you told him explicitly that you've had this realization and you're ready to make this commitment? What I'm getting at, are you planning on waiting till he gets home to tell him this?

[cat11]

I've been fairly depressed since he dropped that last bombshell. Trying not to show it too much, as I know that's not the kind of person I want to show him. I even told him I've been afraid to try to initiate anything these last few weeks for fear he would just think it was too "contrived". He told me just not to worry...after the holidays we would try to get things figured out. I guess that could either mean once he gets back he wants to work on things or that then he'll make his decision about whether or not he wants to continue the marriage. I was planning on waiting til he's back to talk...I was afraid anything I say over the phone will just be empty words unless I can back it up with actions. That's why I've just been trying to show him in little ways...like the emails and my attitude that I'm upbeat and love him and miss him. Do you think that's a mistake? Should I go ahead and have the big conversation on the phone? I'm also anxiously awaiting the arrival of the SSM book. Hoping I can gather more tools to work on things in the mean time.

[Lillieperl]

I don't think you should have a Big Conversation on the phone. But I think you should get this across on the phone or in an email: I know that "anything I say [at this point] will just be empty words unless I can back it up with actions."

I don't know why you're trying not to show that his words and actions really got to you. "Trying not to show it too much, as I know that's not the kind of person I want to show him."

It seems to me that that's precisely the "kind of person" you want to show to him, namely, YOURSELF, one who has feelings, who is touched by his words, who doesn't want to lose him, who wants to change the past, who loves him, etc.

What does this look like to you: he drops a bomb and you keep a cheerful face on everything.

Unless I'm misunderstanding, that might get you the label "ice princess."

Other BB members-- please jump on this thread.

Blackfoot, how about you???

[Kettricken]

Cat, my sympathies and welcome.

All I'm hearing in your words right now is fear. Understandable, but not a good platform to be operating from. Scared people do stupid stuff and second-guess everything to their own detriment. Assume for a moment that he is *definitely* going to stay with you and work to rebuild. You are still determined to change the previous dynamic, fix your stuff, and demonstrate/communicate how much he means to you. What do you do?

[cat11]

I think what I meant was that I'm trying not to do the depressed, begging, pleading, crying thing. He knows how upset I am and how hurt I am that I've put him through this. Believe me, there have been a few breakdowns in the last month. I'm just trying to be positive and be the person he deserves to be with. When I found this site I did email him the link to the first chapter of SSM and asked him to read it. He said he would, but hasn't commented on it yet. I also let him know that I've been reading this forum and that I feel really good about the things I'm learning and that it has given me alot of insight into what he has been going through as well. I read NOPkins post from several years ago...my husband could have written it almost word for word.

Yes, I am scared, but trying not to react out of that fear. My mind has been going a million mph. I have plans for when I pick him up at the airport, as well New Years Eve. I'm picturing in my mind a thousand different things I can do and say. I want to show him that I am still the woman he met 9 years ago, but just got sidetracked somewhere along the way. One of the problems is that he seems to be fixated on why this happened. I don't have any answers for that and I'm afraid he won't be able to move on without those answers. I guess that's something we'll just have to work through. Thank you both for your comments. I really am feeling better the more reading I do here. As scared as I am I do feel like he'll give the time to this relationship to see if it can be saved. I think he won't be feeling very opimistic about it, but a chance is all I need.