So part of your frame is that you might be divorced. You'll be with your kids only some of the time and a lot of things that you take for granted now will become a pain in the butt. Sucks, but survivable. You can still make a great life out of that for yourself and your children. Don't fight the possibility. Accept it as part of your frame.
Another possibility is that your W gives up her affair (sooner or later) and your family reunites. That's great, especially for your kids, but you and your W will have to do a lot of work to repair the damage that's accumulated in your M and to strengthen your M going into the future. Your new frame doesn't get to have an easy path. If tomorrow your W renounced her affair and the Army let you out and flew you home, your life would still be harder than it looked in the frame you used to have. That's not fair nor is it unfair; that's just life. It's only good or bad to the extent that you make it good or bad.
If you can reframe your sitch like that, you can detach from outcome. Sure, you still have a preference of how you'd like things to go but whatever happens, you can handle it. When you're detached from outcome you can act without fear of any particular outcome which maximizes your chances of obtaining the outcome you prefer. "Maximizes your chances of" is a long way from "guarantees". Acting from fear, though, is almost always the road to disaster. When your W is threatening to leave you, you fear upsetting her because that will want to make her leave you more. And it probably does in the moment. In the long run, upsetting her in order to be your authentic self ("I will not tolerate infidelity") increases the chance she'll return.
Detach from outcome. No panicking. You can handle it. There's a way you want to live your life in the future with your family and you believe it's a good way. You would like your wife to join your in your vision and you'll give her every opportunity to do that. But you can't require her to and you don't *want* to require her to. You want her to join you willingly. Maybe she's too confused right now to make that choice. Maybe she's not confused and that's not the choice she wants to make. Maybe she's confused but so stubborn that she won't change her mind when she gets unconfused. *You have no idea what's going on in her head.* Don't try to guess. Note what she does and says with interest. Do more of what works. If it stops working, do something else. Detach from outcome.
As much as you can, look on this process like a science experiment. You'd like the experiment to result in her return to your family. You're going to do the things that maximize that possibility. If she doesn't take that path, that's still good information. It means she wasn't suitable for you. Doesn't make her bad, just unsuitable. Your life will still succeed.
I know thinking like that is a tall order. Do your best and don't beat yourself up if you slip; you need that energy to get back on the path as quickly as possible.
You can do it. You have it in you.
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
