When things are "not about you"

[EverydayMike]

when your spouse completely refuses to show any kind of intimacy toward you whatsoever. How do you act "as if" things are ok?
How do you continue to support them thru whatever they are going thru? whether it's their low self asteem because of weight gain and people continuing to ask if they are pregnant. Or whether it's the bitter past therapy seems to dig up? Or possibly the side effects of anti-depressants.
How do you act "as if" you feel loved, wanted and cared for. When that is exactly how you don't feel?

[theotherhalf]

very good question...

[Michael Mc C]

Maybe your self-esteem needs to be in high-gear in order for that to work. Not so much acting as-if but instead not letting the lack of loving, caring, wanting affect your mood or your behavior. Give unconditionally. Just a thought.

[Concerned_Listener]

EM,
Are you sure it's a refusal or is that your interpretation? You don't need to act as if things are OK, but they're not in that area. You do need to act and say things that will move the R in a positive direction, and do no harm.

What is your opinion as to why there is no physical intimacy in the R at this time?

CL

[EverydayMike]

I am trying to give unconditionally but that is very tough.

the reason, I believe, there is no psyical intimacy is she {and she re-affirms this} just does't feel attractive to herself. she has put on weight she fought for years to lose. she says she feels worthless. When she looks in the mirror all she sees is wrinkles and greying hair. she's not worked for 7 years. she was a stay at home mom and now the kids are older 6+3 so she just started a job. the stay at home mom life is over. I thought, and She thought, getting a job and getting out of the house would be good for her as she was cooped up at home with two very demanding kids all day.
I try, probably too hard, to show my love for her. seems like my entire days and nights are filled with "how or what can I do now for her"? I don't believe I'm an angel who gets trampled over. she still 1/2heartely kisses me. she tells me ILY. and she continues to say it has Nothing to do with ME. "it's not about YOU" "it's something I am going thru" "What don't you understand about that"? she demands her space in bed. NO snuggling, heck hardly touching. Sex is completely out of the question. In fact a sure fire way to start a fight is to ask for sex. I feel like she just doesn't even want to be arround ME. and Yes, I get pissy and pouty about this, which I Know only makes it worse.

If this has "nothing to do with me". Why does it feel like I bear the grunt of the punishment for "THIS"...??

It is very discouraging and I constantly question my self worth. Whats Wrong With Me? why is she not attracted to me.
All I feel is rejection. again and again. leave me alone. All I want is some space when I sleep. Stop smothering me. I'm not the intimate type.

[EverydayMike]

Ohh and I should mention "this" all stated 3 months ago when
I insisted on councling for just this, complete lack of intimacy. the sex was great, the intimacy was errr.. fake or forced if you will..?

The therapy, the new job, the return to prozac, the babies gone off to school, and the needy/clingy husband.
Yeah thats about it..

[runningoutoftime]

Hummmm antidepressants are known for causing problems with sexual desire (and weight gain). She might want to encourage her to talk with her doctor about this.

I understand your feelings in the midst of all this. Of course it's difficult not to take this all personally and unintentionally find intimacy outside of the marriage. But with two young kids you'd risk a lot (like not raising them)... and sad, to say, you could end up in a second marriage with even more problems (like eventual intimacy problems AGAIN! and step-children that hate you... yikes!!! I've seen that one waaaaay too often!).

Try to hang in there buddy. I think the problem you are describing is pretty common in marriages with young children (and yeah, at 6 and 3 your kids are still young!).