well, all hell broke loose, it is over and done

[LoginName]

Cat, I was going to say that if nothing else, if you can't financially separate, that you separate your finances and protect yourself that way. Separate your lifes as much as possible, even if you live in the same house. But your post, and what the T said, make better sense. Still, maybe separate finances now, start setting up for a life apart, or at least protect yourself?

There are so many hurt, scarred, afraid, grownups out there. My wife learned to tune out, turn off, hide her feelings because of an abusive mom. Now here we are, in our 40's dealing with these childhood issues. wow.

I feel hopeful for you and your H, after the T, and with the MC. He might not be able to do it. You might get tired, or decide it's not worth it, but there is hope.

A's are an addiction. The books I read said it takes about 6 months after the total end of an A for the person to get over the addiction. My W took almost exactly 6 months to get over it, although I still wonder. And the head games that can be played inside the person: the guilt of leaving the OW/OM, the guilt from hurting our spouse, the desire to run from the guilt and pain, the desire to make it right, the helplessness of knowing you can't make it right - sometimes you just have to admit that you really messed things up, you can't fix it, or anyone, and just start doing what is right, and do it right now. Then you find a way to live with the guilt and pain, and hopefully find a way to forgive yourself - which is even harder than getting your spouse to forgive you.

Which may be part of the reason why your H doesn't say he's sorry. WHy say it? If you said you forgave him, could he ever believe it? He can't forgive himself, how could he believe you could?

and what a powerful idea: that your husband assumes,expects everyone to be as vindictive as he is, or as his father was. How many of us assume other's motivations are the same as ours,and they're not. If your H can see that you can have other motivations, honestly give without strings, all those good things, he'll make such a huge leap in his ability to relate to others. wow.

I'm rooting for you cat, that you find happiness and what you need.