Ok...so after my previous reply I went back and read the rest of your posts. I have to ask...how do you know the OM's W knows the truth of things? Have you spoken with her yourself or are you going off of what your W or the OM has said...because the fact is cheaters lie, it's an integral part of infidelity. So when they tell you something I've found it's best to trust, but verify. I cannot tell you how many times I've read other's stories where the cheater or the OP has said "I told him/her everything."...and it NEVER happened, or only a part of the truth was told. Often they did speak to the other person, but the person being cheated on was made to look like they were blowing things totally out or proportion (he/she read this and took it totally the wrong way). The only way you have of knowing for sure that his wife knows what's going on...is to speak to her yourself.
Now having said that, your W's behavior is SOOOO predictable, it's nothing but gaslighting, deflection, and the infidelity fog. She keeps directing things back at you and how you've hurt her...to take the focus off of her and what she's done. Her angry outbursts...do exactly the same thing. "He's just a friend" and "so I can't have friends?"...gaslighting" (totally distorting things)
I really suggest you go pick up the book "After The Affair", it addresses both EA/PA's from the cheaters perspective as well as the betrayed partners perspective. It really helped me understand some things after my H's online infidelity, such as his anger at ME and some of his other behaviors. It also really helped me when it came to my own feelings, knowing that what I was going through was totally normal (extreme rage, wondering what "I" did to bring it on, wondering what was wrong with me that he would do this etc. FYI, this is totally NOT about you, it's a choice SHE made.)
You've come to a really great place for support. If you feel you need some additional support I can suggest another really great website that deals with nothing but infidelity (I unfortunately needed it myself), between this site...and the other (survivinginfidelity.com) I received so much help and support at a very crucial time for me, don't know how I'd have made it any other way. I think you'll find too that much of what NOP's advices you...is what has worked for many others on that other website as well.
Oh, and BTW...my husband and I are still together two years later, and doing much, much better. You can make it through this too but it's going to take a lot of work, and she's going to have to come out of her fog....that's likely to take some really tough love on your part.
