Bomb, let me say that I totally feel for you in this and you have my very best wishes for getting through it. (I'm still trying to wrap my head around the actions of a person who would nag her husband to take and photoshop nude pictures of her for the benefit of her affair partner and then add insult to injury by rejecting her husband's sexual advances in the wake of the photo session.)
Keep those cojones firmly attached.
I'm puzzled about something, though:
Originally Posted By: bombardier50
I hope she chooses me, of course. Why? I guess because I know that her best chance of being truly happy is by staying with me. If I ever come to the realization that that is no longer true, then I'll stop trying.
That's all about what you think best for her. It has about zero to do with what YOU want. What do you *really* want? for yourself? Do you *really* want to be with a person who behaves/treats you like this? I'm absolutely not trying to influence you one way or the other .... it's just that the way you answered Choc's question almost sounded like deflection. I wonder if you've really asked yourself if you still want to be married to her. That doesn't necessarily need to change what you're going to do, if you are morally/ethically committed to the marriage regardless. But I think you need to ask yourself very honestly what your desires are here.....
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
Bomber: this question is KEY. It looks like a simple question. You may realize that you don't know the answer...that you have never known the answer...that thinking of an answer seems selfish and rude. The turning point in your life may come when you realize that the answer to the question must not be an attempt to please anyone but yourself. Unlearning a life-long habit is hard.
I downloaded a copy of No More Mr. Nice Guy. I've read a few sections in depth, but I'm still kinda working through it.
It might sound too simple, but all I want is to be loved. That's it. So to rephrase what I said: "I hope she chooses me, because I want to be loved by her."
No. I don't want to spend the rest of my life living with a person who treats me like this. I can't. It hurts. But time is a huge factor here. If we had only been married a few years, I'd probably be cutting the cord right now because the future would look pretty bleak.
In my case, we've had over 20 years of good marriage. This is the only serious problem we've ever had. Consequently, I have some hope that if we can survive this, we can have many more years of good marriage. There's a reason I married her, and I'm not going to give up too easily.
Me: 51 W: 50 M 24 yrs EA: since Apr 06 S22, S26, S28 ILYBNILWY:Nov 07
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." Tyler Durden
I haven't read through your whole thread yet, so for give me if you have already done this...but if your W doesn't tell your so-called "best friend's" wife about what they've been doing...so that you can verify it, YOU ought to do it.
His wife has the same right to know what's going on as you do. You of all people know how it feels to find out what your spouse has been doing...and knowing that, you need to ensure that she is informed of what her husband is doing, so she can make her own informed decisions to how to proceed within her marriage and with HER life. Your W may not be the first...or only woman he's done this with, and his wife has the right to make the same informed decisions you do.
So, if your W does not tell her what they've been doing, in a manner that you can confirm (such as a phone call in front of you)...then YOU ought to tell her, and tell her how you found out. There are a couple of reasons for doing this...it totally exposes their EA, which is one of the best ways to ensure it ENDS...even though your W and your "friend" probably won't be big fans for yours for telling his wife (they should have thought about the consequences before they did what they did.) It also ensures that YOU don't harbor their secret, harboring their secret is not helpful to the situation, it is akin to aiding and abetting the infidelity in their marriage and it makes it easier for them to simply go further underground with their EA and hide it better.
Ok...so after my previous reply I went back and read the rest of your posts. I have to ask...how do you know the OM's W knows the truth of things? Have you spoken with her yourself or are you going off of what your W or the OM has said...because the fact is cheaters lie, it's an integral part of infidelity. So when they tell you something I've found it's best to trust, but verify. I cannot tell you how many times I've read other's stories where the cheater or the OP has said "I told him/her everything."...and it NEVER happened, or only a part of the truth was told. Often they did speak to the other person, but the person being cheated on was made to look like they were blowing things totally out or proportion (he/she read this and took it totally the wrong way). The only way you have of knowing for sure that his wife knows what's going on...is to speak to her yourself.
Now having said that, your W's behavior is SOOOO predictable, it's nothing but gaslighting, deflection, and the infidelity fog. She keeps directing things back at you and how you've hurt her...to take the focus off of her and what she's done. Her angry outbursts...do exactly the same thing. "He's just a friend" and "so I can't have friends?"...gaslighting" (totally distorting things)
I really suggest you go pick up the book "After The Affair", it addresses both EA/PA's from the cheaters perspective as well as the betrayed partners perspective. It really helped me understand some things after my H's online infidelity, such as his anger at ME and some of his other behaviors. It also really helped me when it came to my own feelings, knowing that what I was going through was totally normal (extreme rage, wondering what "I" did to bring it on, wondering what was wrong with me that he would do this etc. FYI, this is totally NOT about you, it's a choice SHE made.)
You've come to a really great place for support. If you feel you need some additional support I can suggest another really great website that deals with nothing but infidelity (I unfortunately needed it myself), between this site...and the other (survivinginfidelity.com) I received so much help and support at a very crucial time for me, don't know how I'd have made it any other way. I think you'll find too that much of what NOP's advices you...is what has worked for many others on that other website as well.
Oh, and BTW...my husband and I are still together two years later, and doing much, much better. You can make it through this too but it's going to take a lot of work, and she's going to have to come out of her fog....that's likely to take some really tough love on your part.
