wants to "talk" tomorrow

[Firekeeper]

breton, what are you doing for holiday?

[inmyplace]

Well, given that things cannot get worse, I figure it does not really matter and i am off to have a peaceful and interesting holiday.

Exactly. Just remember what MWD says in the book. Take care of the things you control It's obvious that you can't control this chowderhead's idiotic mouth.

IMP

[forward]

Well, holiday was sad as my mother's absence is keenly felt. She is physically present but distraught and unable to converse.

I called H to let him know we had returned. He did not answer phone--just showed up on doorstep a few minutes later. Took some of the wine that I offered--even offering to open the bottle for me--and hung around for quite a while. I'm guessing he didn't do anything for Christmas so it was probably lonely. But this is H's choice. I watched TV and he came into the room with me. Said there is family squabble which would make his mom sad. I had made a point of calling his mom this morning to say hello and Merry Christmas and to let her know what the little one is doing. I tried not to seem angry but in following DB C's advice, neither was I particularly friendly.

I am worried about tomorrow as I still anticipate that H is going to slap me w/whatever the first step of D is.

[missmyfriend]

B, I am sorry that he would have such little tact as to make you sit on pins and needles through the holiday. So much selfishness.

Anyway, think of this as part of the "illness". He thinks he needs the D. If you can let him have it, he may move past this eventually and after he seeks a healthy life, he could realize that he needs his family.

I hope you can have a Merry Christmas.

[forward]

Well, H brought up wanting to "talk" again and I told him I am having friends over (which I am).

My guess is that he wants to bring up D and has seen L friend again.

Signs of perhaps a little progress?

-H mentioned concern for his mom, whom he'd complain about all the time.

-Actually seemed a little interested in a mutual friend's life.

I suspect H is getting lonely. As far as I know he has no friends in the area besides OW, because the mutual friend hasn't seen him since he left me.

I must admit that Crushee continues to seem attractive. At this point I do not think the feeling is mutual. I'm not particularly concerned one way or the other as even if I do get D, I wouldn't be in much of a hurry to get involved with anyone again.

[forward]

Well, H "talked." Said he wanted to get D because he doesn't have money. Hmm, what's wrong with that reasoning.

Wants to get one L. I said I felt it would be best to have separate Ls. H was angry, says I want to see him suffer. Sounds like he hasn't sought additional advice, but he might.

So I don't know how I can make the point that I am not going to be responsible so that he doesn't have to be. But I held the boundary on the L.

Still looked kinda nuts today, and still angry, but not as raging.

I am putting a post on my cycling thread. It seems as if H is bringing up D every month or so and I wonder about that.

[celestial]

breton

Good for you for sticking to your guns about your own L. If H wants the D so bad, make him do all the work. Let him be the one to file.

Still looked kinda nuts today, and still angry, but not as raging.

This is because he still doesn`t know if he`s doing the right thing, or the wrong thing. He is so confused right now.

You are doing great. Keep doing your own GAL and leave H to HIS own suffering. His so called suffering has nothing to do with you, but with his emotional battle.

Celestial

[ShadesofGrey]

Hey Breton,

I'm glad you insisted on your own L. Smart move.

At least he wasn't raging.


Love,
Shades

[angelica]

Breton - there are two schools of thought - some people think they mean what they say, and others believe that very often their words need 'interpreting'. What is confusing is that sometimes I think they DO mean what they say, but often it needs interpreting.

The divorce thing. Clearly from the evidence here, some people talk divorce and go ahead. But others use it as a 'weapon' - I am not sure they are doing this consciously - sometimes I think they do it to see where WE are in all of this. Other times they believe it will solve their problems . . seems like a good idea at the time, then they start to thnk through the implications. So you get the excuses.

They are flirting with the idea . . . and they can also see how it freaks us out, and for SOME MLCers hurting their spouse is a part of it. We are responsbile for their unhappiness . . . even when another part of their brain knws we are not. In the past two years I have heard variously from my h that he was NEVER happy in our marriage; that he was very happy, but it is not what he wants now; that if I had loved him I never would have married him; that he is living the life he always should have led; that he feels he has died to his family . . and so on. And he continues to insist that he is perfectly unwaveringly consistent!!!

A

[forward]

I think H talks D when he is panicked. I suspect the discussion came up because he is getting low on money. My guess and hope is that things will be quiet again until mid-month.

He thinks that a divorce will get him more money...oh the sad naivete. Nobody really winds up better off financially.

Felt bad for him as his Christmas could not have been much fun. But I'm continuing to hold off on being too nice, kind of disappearing to take care of myself when he is around.