Adventures of Supermom...JennyF's 2nd thread

[JennyF]

Thanks blindsided & peace.

I wish that I could go to sleep tonight and wake up on January 2nd. These holidays are killing me.

I am excited because it is my S's first Christmas and with D being almost 3 it is the first one that she really gets. For those things I am grateful and excited to experience it all with them.

But there are so many things happening that we used to do together and I feel a tremendous amount of loss right now. Do you think he is at all feeling it? Is he thinking for even a second about any of the good times and what he's giving up?

The Sat before Christmas every year, MIL has a party at her house. Lots of friends, family and kids. H is coming Sat to pick up D to bring her there for the night. Of course, I will not be there. It is so unbelievable that I am instantly not a part of a family. Just like that I'm not a part of things any more after 10 years. I haven't just lot my M and R with my H, but my R with so many other people. I am so sad for this. I've been in tears all day just thinking about it.

I know H will just act as if everything is completely normal. Everyone else will be so uncomfortable around him and he'll just go on like everything is fine. They'll ask him about the baby and he'll talk about him like he actually knows him.

I remember sometimes feeling over the years like these preset parties were almost an obligation and now I'd give anything to be there. It shows how I took things for granted. I have so many of the lessons that I've now learned. I'll never take things for granted again. Never.

H called today while I was shopping to see if I could pick D up. If you took the current situation away, the conversation could have been just one of our normal old H & W conversations....without the ILY at the end. He was nice, even made small talk about my car troubles. It was weird and it's these conversations that get me wondering what is going on his head? Does he feel how normal this is? Is there ANYTHING happening in his head that is making him wonder about his choices? I know I have to stop this thinking, but it is difficult at this time of year.

I keep thinking that H will fall asleep one night soon and be visited by 3 ghosts (sounding familiar??)...that he'll see what we used to have, what he's got now and what it will mean for our family in the future. Where is Jacob Marley when you need him???
J~