Adventures of Supermom...JennyF's 2nd thread

[Startingover2]

Sorry Jenny...I am having a bad day emotionally too.

I think reality is hitting that H is pretty much going down his own path and not going to change. I am going to keep GAL, but dang it hurts. I posted in my thread that I noticed that H wasn't home tonight and pretty sure he is with OW. Haven't heard from him today either which is not normal....usually he sends at least one.

[blindsided1]

Listen to your own advice Jenny, you are NOT a mind reader. You don't know he is thinking of OW. Stop beating yourself up over Saturday's conversation. You'll do better next time. The more you focus on him the more control you are giving him over your emotions. It's okay to take the control back. This is a huge issue for me. I'm not good at taking control of my emotions. Here is what my C told me to do when I start focusing on him. It may help, it may not. Try it.

1. Say the word "Abundance". Realize that there is an abundance of joy, love and happiness in this world
2. Stop and realize the path you are starting to go down. What is the opposite path?
3. Stop and thank yourself for realizing the original path you started down and then go down the opposite path.
4. Give yourself kudos and tell yourself it's okay to be in control of yourself and your emotions.

It's helping me to not dwell as much. It's okay for me not to feel bad. This isn't a choice we made. They made this choice.

[JennyF]

Thanks So2 & Blindsided.
Blindsided, this is great advice...thank you. I have to tell you that it makes me really happy to see you giving advice and encouragement. How does it feel? You seem to getting a bit better every day. Good for you.

I left S with H for a couple hours tonight while I went to the Christmas party at my D's preschool. It went well. It was nice to spend time with my D without my S there. It was weird though...felt like my left arm was missing for those couple hours.
H did ok with S. He just slept the whole time anyway. I made sure I fed him right before I left so he was all topped up.

H stayed and put D to bed. It is just so weird to have him here like this as it seems so normal. I wonder if he feels normal?

H seems to be in some sort of identity crisis (I've known this all along...no new revelation or anything). But he's been dressing differently. It's so funny...he's only 29 but he's displaying all the classic MLC signs. New fancier clothes, obsessed about $$ and status, he cleans is SUV twice a week...he was never this materialistic and it's weird to see these things matter so much to him. I don't like it. I wonder if it is OW influence.

ANYWAY, enough about him. I read something in another post recently that really struck me (sorry...I forget where so I can't give proper credit to the author):

1.There are NO magic answers. Sorry, all you newcomers who arrive seeking the magic potion to revive the spouse and marriage; there is NONE.

2. I will not repeat the standard DB methodology here. The odds are you have had it drilled into your head ad naseum. FOLLOW IT. If only for you own sanity.

3. The WAS does NOT give a darn about what you are doing, so quit worrying over what they are doing. You CANNOT control their actions, beliefs, thoughts, etc.

4. Quit pushing. Quit hoping something will happen NOW, TODAY. It will not, unless you keep pursuing, then you can almost guarantee the outcome and it will not be the one you seek.

5. Relax. Exercise. Walk. Run. Play a sport. Ride your bike. Chase your kids. Take ALL the energy you are wasting WORRYING over your spouses actions and how your actions affect the spouse and put it into something you control.

6. Find a new balance. When the spouse quit on the family and the relationship, the dynamic swung violently out of balance. Find a new center. Focus on you, the children, the dog, something besides the old dynamic.

7. The previous M or R is deceased. Quit digging it up and examining it and trying to breath life into the lifeless form. Start a new R, hopefully with your spouse. But the old R has to die or you will be right back where you are now.

8. Quit taking blame. You are 100% responsible for your 50% ONLY. You contributed to this, but you did not do this. The spouse is being selfish and cares ONLY about themselves. Remember that.

9. It is ok to be sad, angry, frustrated, bitter, confused, and all the other emotions churning around. Find a time or place and experience the emotion. Do not deny it, but do not let it control you. And do not let the spouse see it.

10. Be positive. Be upbeat. Again, if only for your own sanity. Fake yourself out. Self-fulfilling prophecy. This goes right to "act as if." You will feel better and it will become second nature.

11. You may not get your spouse back and guess what, you may reach a point where you may not want them back. You are in control of your R and your life now. ENJOY.

It is # 7 that is most relevent for me right now. The old R is dead. H is here almost daily, so we still have some kind of relationship even if it is only for the purposes of co-parenting. I am going to stop focusing on the loss and focus on rebuilding a new relationship. If it can start off well enough now based on our interactions, then hopefully we can be in a good place WHEN the R with OW ends.

I have invited a bunch of friends over on Friday night for some Christmas drinks. It will be weird not having H here, we always enjoyed entertaining at the holidays.
But I think it will be odd for him when he finds out they are all here and he is not. I am inviting the friends whose house he has been staying at sometimes lately...so I wonder what will happen when they say he can't go there because they'll be here! Interesting....
Well I've waited 11 months to have some wine and I CAN'T WAIT!
J~

[blindsided1]

I know what you are saying about the changes in your H. My H is also 29. He has lost weight, talks about going to the gym (never did that), and quitting smoking. My Mom was saying that she really doesn't think it has anything to do with OW. He already has that, why does he need to get into shape for anyone else.
I like the post. It makes a lot of good points. Today we had a doctor's appt. It was the first time, since he left, that I really felt that it had nothing to do with OW. I didn't realize that would hurt worse.

Enjoy your wine.

[peacetoday]

Jenny
I enjoyed those 11 points as well
you are doing well and starting to make a stronger friendship with your H is a great plan for now
peace

[JennyF]

Thanks blindsided & peace.

I wish that I could go to sleep tonight and wake up on January 2nd. These holidays are killing me.

I am excited because it is my S's first Christmas and with D being almost 3 it is the first one that she really gets. For those things I am grateful and excited to experience it all with them.

But there are so many things happening that we used to do together and I feel a tremendous amount of loss right now. Do you think he is at all feeling it? Is he thinking for even a second about any of the good times and what he's giving up?

The Sat before Christmas every year, MIL has a party at her house. Lots of friends, family and kids. H is coming Sat to pick up D to bring her there for the night. Of course, I will not be there. It is so unbelievable that I am instantly not a part of a family. Just like that I'm not a part of things any more after 10 years. I haven't just lot my M and R with my H, but my R with so many other people. I am so sad for this. I've been in tears all day just thinking about it.

I know H will just act as if everything is completely normal. Everyone else will be so uncomfortable around him and he'll just go on like everything is fine. They'll ask him about the baby and he'll talk about him like he actually knows him.

I remember sometimes feeling over the years like these preset parties were almost an obligation and now I'd give anything to be there. It shows how I took things for granted. I have so many of the lessons that I've now learned. I'll never take things for granted again. Never.

H called today while I was shopping to see if I could pick D up. If you took the current situation away, the conversation could have been just one of our normal old H & W conversations....without the ILY at the end. He was nice, even made small talk about my car troubles. It was weird and it's these conversations that get me wondering what is going on his head? Does he feel how normal this is? Is there ANYTHING happening in his head that is making him wonder about his choices? I know I have to stop this thinking, but it is difficult at this time of year.

I keep thinking that H will fall asleep one night soon and be visited by 3 ghosts (sounding familiar??)...that he'll see what we used to have, what he's got now and what it will mean for our family in the future. Where is Jacob Marley when you need him???
J~

It is # 7 that is most relevent for me right now. The old R is dead. H is here almost daily, so we still have some kind of relationship even if it is only for the purposes of co-parenting. I am going to stop focusing on the loss and focus on rebuilding a new relationship. If it can start off well enough now based on our interactions, then hopefully we can be in a good place WHEN the R with OW ends.

I would highly recommend this - Since we got much of the BS out of the way, the friendship my W and I have has improved greatly. While we've not even touched on working on the M, we don't fight or argue anymore - AT ALL.

[LooseThread]

11. You may not get your spouse back and guess what, you may reach a point where you may not want them back. You are in control of your R and your life now. ENJOY.

What do you do when you decide you are here yet they still want to be involved and hopefully eventually rekindle something? How do you let them down gently but firmly? If we didn't have a daughter together I could afford to be more ruthless.

[phbear316]

Jenny

All i have to offer you is (((hugs))), i too am suffering the H going to family. My h as you know left tues to be with this family for chiristmas. What really gets me about this is family moved to florida the same year we got married, 13 years. I have asked occasionally if h would like to go to fla sometime around the holidays, and always the answer was no. So i feel it is a slap in the face for me for him go this year. I know all the other reasons he needs to go, but it still hurts.

I am sad, I realized last night that even thought i have been keeping myself really busy, last minute shopping etc, I truly felt last night alone. And i did not like it. H did call conversations are different, we have been talking for at least 40 minutes to and hour on the phone each night. Yes he call me during the day also. But I felt truly alone last night and did not like it one bit. All i have is my cat, who last night wanted no part of the crazy crying lady in the house. You know just as a side not, i swear the cat missed him too. When i am on the phone with H, cat is in my lap and trys to paw the phone, I put the phone down to cat and she meows at it. Crazy kitty! LOL

All i can say is enjoy sat with your son. Make it a special day with him, even though he is young, go out, meet your girlfriend, Hey maybe even invite them to your home for at a last minute get together, have them bring something to eat or order pizza or chinese food, chat and have fun. Just thinking out loud. I don't know I have a funny feeling, how much do you want to bet, h calls you, to come over there because of your daughter or something like that. All i can say, is like i feel the same way with my h, hopefully he will be uncomfortable in telling people who ask were i am, and what his answer will be.

I feel the same way about the instant removal of you from his family. I guess I have to look at it this way also, h has no contact with my mom and dad. They are hurt and angry with h, so right now would not be a good idea for h to be near them.

I have also had to come to reality and grips with my h will always be a BIL to my SIL, and so on. No matter how much they tell me they disagree with what h is doing, they will not stop loving him and i cannot ask them to do that. I can only hope that he sees love on chirstmas between all who will be there, and makes something fall back into place with my H, and starts to bring him home to me.

I could tell you to be strong, but you are so strong, i don't need to remind you of that.

Hugs to you,
phbear

[blindsided1]

Good morning Jenny,
Hope today is a better day for you. I'm kind of in the opposite postition. My H isn't really talking to his family. They are really upset with him and he knows it. Christmas Eve I will be with my In-laws and he won't. They told him what time dinner was and he just said "busy, other plans" in a text. Nice, huh? Anyway, I hope that today is better for you. You'll have a great Christmas with your kids.