Recently Married into a sexless marriage

[sat567]

OMG...it's Hairdog, from eight years ago!

But she says that was just because it was a new relationship and im still stuck in the early stage of the relationship when things were easy. Now weve moved on to the later stage when were comfortable with each other and were just not going to be the people we used to be.

Yep. I've heard MsHdog say that very thing. And, by the way, it is true to some extent. Read The Sex Starved Marriage. It's all about the testosterone, baby.

BUT, ive had a problem with um... finishing too soon and shes been disappointed.

Oh, yeah. BTDT. Of course, MsHdog held her disappointment in until she got sick of always taking the blame for our poor sex life. The way she "shared" her disappointment was harsh, but effective.

Ive tried to talk to her about it, told her that a lot of it is because we dont do it often.

Yeah...that "don't do it often"? I understand that you are just reportin' the facts, but here's a clue: you say "don't do it often" and she hears "it's all your fault." Not an aphrodisiac, my young padawan.

Ive bought educational videos to try and make it last longer but every time I bring it up she gets mad.

I'm not familiar with the educational videos, but unless they are all about things that YOU can do and not about what SHE can do, she's going to hear "and here's a video documenting why it's all your fault." Anaphrodisiac.

Ive offered to do more for her to get her across the finish line but she wont even give me the chance to prove it.

Yeah, I tried that once back in, lemmee see, that would have been '05, but got "I don't need YOUR help in that area. I can take care of myself." (Yet another reason I've been on vacation with her to a certain island off the coast of Georgia TWICE, and have NEVER had sex there). Oh...and thinking of it as a "finish line"...well, I'll let the ladies here clue you in on that way of thinking.

orally

Sigh. The last time I ... oh never mind. It's just farkin' depressing me.

Go back and read my email to you. Especially the part about how sad it is that you want to have sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with you.

You are me. Eight years ago. After marriage, but before DD6. I am telling you: Go.

Hairdog

[sat567]

it helps a bit in this department if it is done the same day as ML

The same day?! YMMV, but for me...it helps if it done within a couple hours at most prior to the event. Yet, there is that nagging problem about not ever having a clue about when the "event" is going to happen, until it's too late for a peremptory strike.

Hairdog

[nwlywed]

Weve been together just under 2 years. To answer an earlier question, she has me so confused I dont know what to do sexually anymore. I usually do oral on her first to get her started, but she rarely even lets me do that. Ill give you a scenario -
Were laying on the couch watching TV. I decide that maybe tonight would be a good night to try and get soemthign going. So as were curled up I softly kiss her neck and run my fingers through her hair - I get no response. After 15 - 20 minutes I give up. Another scenario - We'll be on the couch and i will just reach over and grab her breasts, thinking maybe she wants me to be more aggressive - She gets mad, says she feels groped and we end up mad at aech other all night. Another scenario - we'll be on the couch or in bed. I will kiss her along her arms, down her stomach and eventually I will work my way down to her vaj. I will then try to touch it or do oral and she will lock her knees together.
When we talk about what went wrong at a later time and she tells me if I would just be more kissy she could get in the mood. So next time I try, im more kissy. FAIL. Then we talk about it and she tells me if I would just give her a massage it would relax her and she'd be more open to it. So next time I give her a massage and poof - nothing. We talk about it later and she tells me if I would just do ____ shed be in the mood and we could do it.. But I do ___ and nothing. Or I didnt do it right or say it like i meant it or whatever. The last time we had sex, I put fake rosepetals all over the bdroom, lit insence, candlles, etc. Gave her a massage for about 30 minutes. Did oral on her to get her almost across the finish line and we finally did it. Im more than a little resentful that I have to go through all these hoops just to get what should be a fun, playful, exciting, natural thing newlyweds do. Im espcially resentful that I didnt get the favor returned on my B-day. I know i need to let hat stuff go and not be so concerned about 'tit for tat', and for the most part im not, but I just think it shouldnt be this hard.

[Lillieperl]

Gee, it sounds like Mrs. Hairdog and Lou's BB have found their missing triplet.

[Virtually_Handsome]

There's at least four of them!

[ann25]

maybe you should give my H a call and let him know what he should be doing... LOL... j/k

it sounds like you are trying. Not sure what to tell you on that. Sounds like she just doesn't want to have sex. Does she give you any real reasoning other than maybe if you try everything you can think of maybe I'll respond, but probably not?

A thought:

Im more than a little resentful that I have to go through all these hoops just to get what should be a fun, playful, exciting, natural thing newlyweds do. Im espcially resentful that I didnt get the favor returned on my B-day.

maybe she senses this. i know that you try to control it and i know that it's hard not to think, i've been doing everything for you, come on! If she senses some resentment for you having to do these things for her, then that's probably a major turn off...

Not sure what to tell you... you can't keep going on like that - you'll just feel more and more resentment. You two really need to break down the R and talk. Is this even something you both want?

Did you read hairdog's thread?

[cemar2]

nwlywed:

You wife has major problems that really don't even relate to you, they probably occured many years ago. Likely, she is unfixable, and I would advise you to get out. Sounds to me like she has trauma in her life BEFORE you.

[CharlieBrown]

nwlywed,

I am sure when you found this board, you were hopeful that you would find a solution, a magic-bullet, that you could apply to your marriage and your wife would be able to return to the sexual woman of your dreams. I would assume that most of the responses you have received have been not what you have hoped for and at this point, you may even be frustrated by them.

While I haven't been posting here for very long, I have been on the board as a lurker for a long time (couple years I think). Over time I have come to the conclusion that for those who come here, the vast majority of the time (probably 70-80% IMHO) things will never really change. Sure, they (we) might get a slight improvement from time to time. Sometimes, it is even enough to re-light the pilot light of hope that we used to have. But in the end, I think it is only in the rare cases where the spouse recognizes that he/she shares in not only the fault, but also the committment to improve the marriage, that there is any shot for real improvement. And even then, there is no guarantee. Anecdotally, I think that many times the LD spouse joins in this quest for improvement because there are kids in the marriage and everything else is good. In that case, both spouses are looking over the cliff and making a joint decision not to jump.

I'm not trying to depress you, but I don't get the sense that you understand the reality of your situation. Believe me, I am not a pro-divorce guy in the least (and, of course, we are on a Divorce Busting website). But if things are like this now, I see the likely outcome in your future and really question the wisdom of staying married and starting a family. I would use this opportunity as a defining moment in your life, either way.

PF

[nwlywed]

I do appreciate everyones honesty and directness. It is something that I am wrestling with very much. After all the wedding preparations and $$ and the love we 'used' to have I feel like I should at least give it a fair chance. Weve only been married for about 6 weeks, and while things arent so peachy now, I would always wonder 'what-if' if I dont at least give it some time, work, comittment and patience.
It is true that I am not happy in this relationship anymore. will that change? I dont know. Will she change? I dont know.
She did get a new prescription for BC pills yesterday, so I am hoping that makes a difference.
On a side note, I was a little annoyed last night because as were laying on the couch she put her feet in my lap and wiggled her feet as a signal for me to rub them. I used to rub them a lot because she likes it and its relaxing for her. I havent lately because im resentful of her to plop them in my lap and EXPECT me to do it. Especially when she cant seem to reciprocate MY needs, wants, desires. She got a little irritated that I was being uncooperative and asked me how come im not sweet to her anymore.
I just sat there quietly and thought to myself - "Youve got to be kidding me right? You cant even kiss me passionately on my birthday and you want a foot massage? WOW"
Anyways, thanks for letting me vent. Ill be on the boards still, but I am comitted to giving this at the least 6 months max 1 yr.

[LustForLife]

I just sat there quietly and thought to myself - "Youve got to be kidding me right? You cant even kiss me passionately on my birthday and you want a foot massage? WOW"

Instead of thinking it, say it!

LFL