Starting to get it...

[Dom R]

I told him i just wanted to be with him. He asked if I was doing it for him. I told him that i wanted to make him feel good. That it made me happy when i could do that. (this is the wrong answer!!!)

That was completely not a "wrong answer". I think that his response was "wrong".

I understand where he's coming from. I was at that point myself a long time ago. Having been there myself, I think that it was a mistake for me to think that narrowly.
That is... it's certainly nice when a woman thinks that way about you.. but it is also a wonderful thing when a woman thinks the way you felt about him then, too!

(him being stuck in that mindset, comes from feeling insecure, fyi)

So, here's the question. Should i have lied? i don't want to lie. I didn't come right out and say, "i don't want to, i'm only doing this because you want it", but it had that same effect. I want to be honest with him, but i don't want to lie.

no way. dont lie.

(i think you also need to reframe the "i dont want to" in your head.It sounds like you DID "want to".. just not for the reasons that he was looking for)

Some guys get stuck in the "i want my wife to be a nympho, and want sex with me just because they're horney" mode.
Especially YOUNG guys, like your H.

In some ways, this is HIS problem. He should be more appreciative about it.

but... another way to tackle it... might be also be to reexamine your own view on it.
If you are doing it "because making him feel good, would make you feel good".... then maybe next time, start focusing ahead of time, on how good you would feel inside, if he was already like that.
If you focus on that feeling inside you, then maybe you can initiate, because you're looking forward to that feeling for yourself.... and then you can honestly tell him that you are doing it "for you".

Maybe think about what you would be doing, to make him feel really good, which would make you feel good... and then tell him, "i really want to do .... with you. That would make me feel good".

Which is true, right?
betcha that would get him involved.
If he still starts bugging you and questioning you to derail things... just smile at him and tell him to quit killing the mood and F**k you cause that's what you want right now.

if that doesnt shut him up.. then.. well, he has serious personal issues, and he needs to retest for his "manly license"

[Heimlich]

If he still starts bugging you and questioning you to derail things... just smile at him and tell him to quit killing the mood and F**k you cause that's what you want right now.

if that doesnt shut him up.. then.. well, he has serious personal issues, and he needs to retest for his "manly license"

Thanks for the laugh, Dom. Well said.

[ann25]

hehehe.... thanks Dom...

It was funny. When he first asked why and i tried to avoid it, i pretty much figured i wouldn't be able to. Avoidance was a stall tactic. I started thinking that i had to answer this just right. I thought i did ok. I wanted him to know that pleasing him made me feel good about our R, so yes i wanted to do it for me. I hate directly lying to him on these issues because if at some point the truth comes out it will be just that much more devistating and another reason he can't trust me. I'll think that if i think about it ahead of time then i can honestly say i'm doing it cause i want to do it. because it will make me feel good. he doesn't need to know the why it will make me feel good, i'm sure he will assume what he needs to hear. it's not lying. i'm just leaving out little bits of info.

Some guys get stuck in the "i want my wife to be a nympho, and want sex with me just because they're horney" mode. Especially YOUNG guys, like your H.

It probably doesn't help that i always used to be like that before the D talk.. that's what he had. A W that was almost always horny. I think that even though he may not have wanted sex near as often as i did and tried, that a part of him was pretty happy that i did want it and him that often.

if that doesnt shut him up.. then.. well, he has serious personal issues, and he needs to retest for his "manly license"

aaahhh... so there is a manly test.

Is there a handbook or something that you guys read before testing or do you wing it? hehe

[ann25]

Okay this is totally off topic, but i have an issue with people that openly support Affairs...

did you know there is a website called marriedsecrets.com

My friend is currently trying a bunch of different dating sites online and she came across it. she said she looked through it and it's basically a bunch of married men and women that are looking to have affairs.... un-effing-believable...

sorry... just had to get that out.

[ann25]

I'm stealing this from DH4320's thread cause this is where it was supposed to be...

i think your H has some definite self-esteem issues, especially after reading through more of your thread. The problems is that you cant fix that problem he needs to. You can compliment him up and down but it wont make a bit of a difference, has he gone to see a C?? did his self esteem go to the dumps after your EA?? just some thoughts but as a guy when the self esteem is crap we make sarcastic comments like he has to get some pitty and have our S's feel guilty..

He won't go see another C. I've asked him about both MC and IC, but no dice... Maybe eventually. I think his sefl esteem has always been a little shaky. He's always told me he doesn't think he's good enough for me or not smart enough. He used to accuse me of cheating all the time and say that someone better than him would come along and sweep me off my feet (his words) I have always reassured him and tried to let him know how awesome I think he is. The EA certainly didn't help though. He does that. I can tell. I just don't know how to respond to that very well. I don't do well with playing games. Sometimes i want to say "Just tell me whatever it is you want to say or don't bother... " i don't, of course, but it's frustrating.

[ann25]

it's funny. i've been rereading my entire thread because i feel like i keep having the same issues over and over again, I'm thinking that i need to stop doing whatever i'm donig cause it must not be working, but most of the time, the cause is different, so who knows...

We had one of his friends stay over, he works in our area, but lives over 2 hours away, so when he works late, sometimes he stays over. We met him about 8 years ago and have been close friends ever since. I kinda feel like he's the brother i never had. We joke and harass each other. It's funny.

Last night H was in a bad mood. Not sure why, frustration from the day probably. I asked how his day went. "fine" tried to ask for some details "it was fine" (OKAAAY... sorry. hehe) so I changed the subject. We talked about the girls for a second, then nothing. I'm over the talking thing, when he's ready he'll start responding to questions.

We get home and after dinner he goes into his office to work. He had told me he was done, but whatever. I just said ok. I started folding some laundry and talking to our friend. I made some comment about my D3 not eating her food that H shared with her and said whatever at the end (about D) he didn't hear the whole conversation and thought that i was saying something bad about him. I tried to explain and he just says "uh yeah... whatever" and walks away. I took some deep breaths and continued what i was doing. Later H comes out and tells me he needs the table that i could be doing something more productive than just folding the laundry anyways. ok... i went to load the dishwasher from after dinner.

he won't say more than two words to me, so I'm talking to our friend, making jokes and stuff, H makes a joke about me. I normally mess with him when he does that, so i did, kinda bumped into him and i guess he wasn't ready for it. I apologized and he said "what are you f*cking retarded." I just walked away. I'm emotional and frustrated with his attitude, so talking to him about it would have been disasterous. we pretty much avoided talking or interacting for the rest of the night.

I still had it in my head to make up for the last few nights. so, we got in bed. I didn't give him a chance to talk. It went fine. he seemed happy. Afterwards (like 20-30 minutes) he apologizes for his attitude. he said he had a bad day and he was sorry. Now, don't get me wrong, I appreciate the apology and told him how much i did and that i understand it's been some long frustrating days lately, but (i didn't say this to him) why is it that i have to have sex w/ him to get an apology. Prior to that he wasn't even talking to me. it was really hard to do that for me expecially after how he had been talking to me, but... it's just frustrating.

don't know if i'm looking for any response here... mostly just venting.

[Atlas]

Ann,

You have to realize that wasn't him last night. Here is the deal, he is crying on his friends shoulder. She had an EA, sent pic's to X, blah blah blah. Why doesn't she love, I'm so pissed off.

So then he comes home, and well he has to show his friend that he doesn't care about you. He has to reaffirm the crap he just told his friend. So he acts all hard and cold all night.

See he has shared with the worst with friend. Probably didn't mention that a couple nights ago she tried initiating sex with me. So you get painted in this bad light, friend is apathetic, I'm sorry your dealing with that, etc. Well when you only see part of the picture, you can't assess it all. So don't take it personally.

In all honesty, your H has no self-esteem right now. I mean none. I've been there, and not only does he not want to have sex with you, he probably feels he doesn't deserve to have sex with you. You can't do anything about your M or R, until this guy stands for himself a bit.

Go by Men are from Mars book. It has some great communication skills tools that will help build him up. Also don't let him see you reading any more of these "R" books, that tells him he has failed and the R is broken.

[ann25]

thanks Atlas. Never thought about that. I'm pretty sure that he wouldn't have given details to his friend, but i didn't even think about what he might have told him. That helps.

yeah. i think he enjoys the sex once it's going and acts like he wants it in the evening, but keeps doing things that he probably thinks will get him out of it. Didn't work last night, i wonder how that will go over.

I'll get that one. Hopefully it will help. He's not a reader so he doesn't pay much attention to what I'm reading or what's on the bookshelf. I go through 2 or 3 big novels a month, so I'm always reading. I normally read the R books at work during lunch and when i'm up before him in the morning. I used to push him to read with me, but in know he doesn't care for that.

I really appreciate your post. I didn't know what happened last night. At least having a thought that it wasn't me personally, helps!! thanks.

[Atlas]

Ann,

Trust me it isn't you one bit, ya you made some past mistakes, but your truly repentant and being what a guy would love to have in a R, a real peach.

He is just destroyed inside right now. Not sure to go back or forward, even which way is up. Make him feel needed, so he can be a man, but don't be needy. He will have to rebuild his confidence himself.

[ann25]

Thanks for the compliment. i'll take all of those i can get. I'm really trying and sometimes it's hard that he doesn't seem to care. I know that everyone around here feels that, but it doesn't make it any easier.

Thanks for the advice. Ever since the EA i've taken a lot of his feeling down on myself. I know he was insecure before that, so it didn't help, but this is something he has to get through. I'll just be there to help him.

it's just so crazy, one minute i have this nice guy (just got off the phone with him he says "love you sweetie") and one minute it's like dealing with a stranger that I don't know and don't really want to know. makes me wanna scream.

Thanks again.