I had the same 'stream of conscious' type thoughts as well. Not the exact that you are having, but my own version.
BTW, I didn't mean to imply that you are not competent or able to deal with your stuff... but because I know first hand the enormity of it all, exactly as you have described it... that is where my offer of help came from... not because you CAN'T do it... it's just that sometimes, the very best move you can make, is to take help where you can find it.
My lawyer told me... "look. I know this is emotional for you, I know it's hard. But I need you to get into your business frame of mind so you can get your life in order. We are going to do this, then this, then this. Once that is done, THEN you can fall apart. We'll get you any help you need to heal. And make no major life decisions for at least one year after D day."
Sketchy, sure, but that's the plan I went with because it was logical and involved no blame whatsoever. I knew exactly what I was supposed to do, no thinking involved.
And along the way, I grabbed onto every tree limb, outstretched hand and parachute I could grasp.
So if you could please stop beating up on my friend MoJo... she's going through a rough time. Maybe try and compartmentalize those emotions for a bit so you can focus... designate days/times to have a good cry and fall apart... I know that sounds horridly robotic... but sometimes, that's what it takes for a time. You don't have to stay that way... or you'll come up with a strategy on your own...
In any case... I know you can do this. And other than that, I don't know what to say. Hope something in it is useful.
Mojo: OTOH, it brings up feelings of I must be a loser to have been married to and actually "in love" with such a PAL...
(((((Mojo)))))
To me this issue of judging yourself as a loser is more toward the root cause of your current issues. Why judge yourself like this???? Okay that's somewhat rhetorical because my best friend is working through similar self-judging issues with her counselor.
You are not and were not a loser to be married to such a PAL. You consciously chose to marry the father of your son and to believe that you could make a marriage with him work regardless of his ineptness to be any sort of decent husband or even friend to you. That's one thing I really liked about GP - how he stressed that what you were willing and able to put up with from your 2bx to keep your family together is proof of how strong you are and what a positive capable person you are. So many women in your position would not have been able to keep their sanity and self confidence like you have. YES it has taken a toll on you and your self-confidence and I think sometimes you might not take it seriously enough until you hit a moment where you have the intense "I'm a loser" feeling. Then it hits you hard but I'm not sure how much work you're doing to address it as much as getting angry and then after you're over it, you let it go instead of really looking at how to REALLY get over it. It must be uncomfortable to really think about those feelings and on top of it I'm sure your friends and family don't take those feelings that seriously because it's SO obvious that you are a great woman and not a loser!! My thoughts, anyway...
Also:
...and the proof of this is the fact that I haven't dealt with this mess appropriately.
The proof of being a loser or the proof that you feel like a loser?? Seriously think about what you were thinking when you wrote that.
I'll agree that the feeling like a loser probably does drive how you are handling things right now. And that it whether you are actively feeling like a loser or actively avoiding the feeling that you feel like a loser. Does that make sense!!??
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
I killed my puppy in order to be able to accomplish what I did during the first seperation. I put him in barrel of water and held him under till he stopped wiggling, then I slowly chopped him up into small pieces with a paring knife, and fed him to the swine.
That means you're invulnerable now, right? Not a pejorative question; my understanding is that puppy/bunny = vulnerable, "wants to be cared for" part.
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
If the woman LFL doesnt wish to take my advice, its not going to affect me. there is no responsiblity there. I consider her a friend, so I speak my opinion.
In the case of the toddler, I do make a judgement. listeing to the toddler cry after I fish them out of the pool, unhurt, unscathed, but upset, or not doing what is in my power to prevent what could be serious injury.
I spoke like a man. She responded like a weak bunny.
But lots of women have weak bunny moments BF. I'm not just weak bunny. I have all parts (in this case animals) inside me. And so do you. I don't know why you feel the need to kill the puppy all the time. It makes you......out of balance. And as a friend, I truly wish you would see the benefit of a...strong puppy...if you will. I think you'd have more success in your relationships. Really.
I used to think blackfoot was pretty over the top but it's becoming obvious to me that he's a certifiable genius. Or at least a guy who very thoroughly understands what he's doing.
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
In any case... I know you can do this. And other than that, I don't know what to say. Hope something in it is useful.
Thanks Corri,
I think that Xmas card arrived with either very bad or very good timing. It might have been the just the cathartic that I needed in order to move forward. Anyways, "bunkey" has been put to bed and "cowioness" has some work to do and though it might not exactly be "fun" it will have it's own sort of grown-up rewards.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
im dumping this in Mojo's thead again. Let me know if it bothers you Mojo.
Yeah blackfoot, gotta be careful not to overextend our feeble little minds. I really do appreciate the concern. *friendly smile*
Ah the friendly smile of the chesire cat. I know it well. :-) See SG, I dont think women have feeble minds. In fact they occasionally keep me on my toes, with there verbal quickness and directness. I do think women are designed/evolved a certain way, and untill they are aware of it and acknowledge it and accept it, they wont be able to (minimally)control it anymore then if I would be able to (minimally) control myself if I didnt acknowledge who and what I am.
See we no longer have strict externally enforced boundaries on adultery like we used to. It wasnt 100% effective then, its certainly not going to be effective relying on internal boundaries, in our culture, for myriads of reasons. Im inclined to believe your previous 'inevitible' statement. I was just hoping you would expound from a femal POV.
Mojo said
Quote:
Women don't get it when they truly need it (support for insecurities-I disagree to an extent, but...) either but if you think about it that's probably a good thing for the survival of the species.
The survival of the species is not an issue. Health care is doing a fine job of dissasembling the survival of the fittest allready. We are talking about M, not the survival of the species. It will take care of itself. Its hardwired. M is about family. we are letting survival of the species (a mute point) control our actions. simplified, A man does that when he cheats on his wife for something younger prettier, (unacceptable) and a woman does that when she leaves her H cause he is placating supplicating. I dont see the same shouts of indignation from men or women when that happens. Why not?
Yes, as it wasintended to. You see, oh superior male, our feeble female minds respond quite well to an "I hear you" followed with an "how about trying this".
Either you believe I am a superior male, which prompts me to not trust you, because you cant discern reality, and are going to expect more then my fair share from me in a R, or your being sarcastic and self deprecating. My ego is large enough, I dont like having it fluffed.
What our feeble female minds don't respond well at all to is being called "children", or "toddlers running with scissors". Tends to shut us down completely, in fact.
Well once again, those were not MY analogies. Those were analogies give by WOMEN to describe themself. and I didnt see any woman shut the other women down because of it. See Ill let you in on a secret. Give away one of my weaknesses. Lets see what you do with it. I dont have an original or creative bone in my body. What I do have is a slightly high level of comprehension and take apparently disparate concepts and put them together.
You'll never get any woman to listen to you if she doesn't feel heard. This is almost true. I dont have a problem getting them to listen, (its a type of genius I know. LMAO J/K. crack me up Burgbud. ) but I wont cause a woman to feel understood or cherished, if I dont take the time to listen -just because--and also hear what she is saying, instead of blowing off what she says becasue it doesnt make sense to me, or I think its stupid, or think SHE doesnt understand...when she is talking in code to me. If she didnt talk sooooo much it would be easier to listen. My ears get tired. When I tell her to get some girlfriends, its becasue I love her, and Im trying to get her what she needs, not becasue Im trying to push her away. I can only handle so much jabber.
But indulge my feebleness for just a minute and tell me where I tried to "fix" MrLFL?
Well then I misunderstood this post.
Quote:
Healthy young men do tend to physiologically want sex every few days at least. Question is what they do with that impulse. Suppress? Ignore? Turn to porn? Masturbate? What? Do you know what your h does with his?
I don't happen to think he needs fixing. I recall asking about where he directed his sexual impulses. How's that "fixing" anyone? your right. I apologize. I dont usually ask men where their woman directs her sexual impulses. Its irrelevant. I just give ideas on what will make him more attractive to her and how to direct it. (although I dont do to much of that hear. to many scalliwag lurkers) Thats my style, this was yours. both work for the intended.
I know, I know ... so tedious for the superior and all-encompassing male mind... but I'm sure you can find it in your wide heart to stoop to our level and humor me if you search long enough. ascerbic sarcasm from a southern girl. must be one of those bayou girls, and not a belle. Highly unrefined. Im cut to the quick of my wide heart. [sound of ice tinkles]
