Recently Married into a sexless marriage

[CharlieBrown]

nwlywed,

In your case, I would suggest that the only 180 should do is 180 MPH to the nearest divorce attorney, and get advice. I think the annulment option is a good one.

Many of us sat in the exact same position that you were in, only you found this board, and the rest of us didn't. Consider yourself blessed and with the opportunity to truly change your situation.

By the way, if you do listen to the board and go see an attorney, you better know going in that your wife will probably react by giving you whatever you want in the short term. Long term is a different deal and if you decide to stay, you are going to have to think about it long and hard. The "D" card is not one that you will be able to play often without all sorts of other issues coming up after that. I suspect though that the reason for the change is that your wife didn't want to get married or had some other unresolved issues and is now dealing with that through withdrawal, depression, or something along those lines. If so, she may inwardly welcome the opportunity to make a clean break.

Good luck and sorry this is the way it is.

PF

[Dom R]

you've written a lot about how you're not having sex now.

But you've written virtually nothing about how things were when you used to have sex.

Michell's books suggest at one point: if you dont know what works well for the two of you right now... try thinking back to the past, to try to remember what used to work well between you.


You might also try describing, for "your viewing audience", how she reacted during sex in the past. Was it enthusiastic? did she seem into it for HER sake? How often did she initiate? (ever?)

Maybe she always hated sex, but just "went along with it" until she got what she wanted (the ring).

I think that you should approach things very differently, depending on whether you reasonably believe if that was the case.

[ann25]

Have you asked her why? Why she doesn't want to have sex like she used to?

I think Dom could be right because the first thing i was thinking when i read your post was "she got the ring and got to stop dealing with the sex."

it's not like you have some crazy insatiable need to have sex twice a day or anything (not that there is anything wrong w/ that) so if she's not willing to give in a little now and you guys just got M. Think about how much worse it could get if you have kids and life gets busier...

neither one of you are happy with this... anull and start over again later with someone else.

[Dom R]

I think Dom could be right because the first thing i was thinking when i read your post was "she got the ring and got to stop dealing with the sex."

that is ONE possibility.

however, another possibility, is that nwlywed also started acting differently after he gave her the ring. and that triggered her change in behaviour. We Dont Know.

hence, why more questions are in order here.

[nwlywed]

We always had ups and downs in her sexual desire. There were times in the past when she initiated it and we were happy. But she says that was just because it was a new relationship and im still stuck in the early stage of the relationship when things were easy. Now weve moved on to the later stage when were comfortable with each other and were just not going to be the people we used to be. Which seem really unfair.
She seemed to like sex when we do it. BUT, ive had a problem with um... finishing too soon and shes been disappointed. Ive tried to talk to her about it, told her that a lot of it is because we dont do it often. WHen I go for 2-3-4 weeks of course its going to be over soon. Ive bought educational videos to try and make it last longer but every time I bring it up she gets mad. Ive offered to do more for her to get her across the finish line but she wont even give me the chance to prove it. On the rare occasions when we have sex, if she hasnt finished i try and touch her or start heading that direction orally and she wont let me.. So im stuck. Its just become so complicated

[ann25]

always the optimist... hehe

I think you should definately try to find out why there was a change. Maybe there was some stress from the wedding planning and because of your reaction to the lack of sex, she has stopped wanting it.

who knows... you seriously need to sit down and talk to your wife.

[Dom R]

She seemed to like sex when we do it. BUT, ive had a problem with um... finishing too soon and shes been disappointed. Ive tried to talk to her about it, told her that a lot of it is because we dont do it often. WHen I go for 2-3-4 weeks of course its going to be over soon. Ive bought educational videos to try and make it last longer but every time I bring it up she gets mad.

Ooookay.. now we're getting somewhere!

sounds like there's definately at least one problem on your end.
you shouldnt be "bringing it up" like you are doing. obviously that doesnt work. sounds like you need to find a solution to that side of things yourself.

it ALSO sounds like you need to work on your relationship with her. A lot. ahem.


Her talking about "the early stage, when things were easy", sounds like a semi-loud statement of, "things are difficult and not fun currently".

[ann25]

okay... maybe it's different for guys, but does masturbating help?

Has she always had an issue with oral sex or is this new since you guys haven't been having sex much. If you can get her open to it, you might try the oral sex first, get her almost to "the finish line" and then start intercourse, rather than vise versa... just an idea.

ummm... early stage of the R? how long have you all been in a R, much less M. being comfy w/ each other explains the tshirts and sweats, but it doesn't explain neglecting another persons needs.

I think you guys need to sit down and talk. Really figure out what you both need and expect out of this M.

[CharlieBrown]

ann25, I can only say from my experience that it helps a bit in this department if it is done the same day as ML, but otherwise not much. Is it Coke that had the jingle "their is nothing like the real thing"?

Anyway...one question. Maybe I missed it, but I am not seeing the full timeline. You have been married 6 weeks and this problem became an issue 8 months ago. How long have you been together?

PF

[ann25]

packerfan, yep yep... i get that. I was more thinking like if done on a regular basis. My H was fine w/ sex maybe once or twice a week. I wanted it at least daily. MBing helped me on a regular basis... guess it's not the same for guys.

Coke got it right. hehe