If I gave the impression that fcukups have occurred in the past, I'm sorry. If you want to classify the hiding of the cancer & the situation with his dad as fcukups, then yes, they've happened before. The situation with his dad, I'm not going to hold him accountable for that....it was a long time ago. It was a pain that he held onto for a long long time and still does. It had nothing to do with me but I pushed and pushed until IC finally revealed.
The cancer on the other hand, I can't let slide as easy....that does involve me. I can see his motives for trying to hide that from me. I know better and better how he works and I can honestly say that IC thought he was protecting me by withholding telling me like he did....doesn't make it right, but I see his motives.
I guess what I'm getting at is that before this latest incident was revealed...I trusted IC with my life, completely....except for matters that dealt with him and his physical and emotional well being...like with his knee - I know it hurt, but yet he tells me it didn't. Kwim? I've always known in what areas I could trust IC, and in what areas I've tried to build a trust from him to be able to feel comfortable enough in me to allow his pent up emotions or pains to come out. He's breached that line of trust and now I don't know what to believe in anymore
BTW - there is part of me that would be relieved to know my H was having an affair. It would make me feel a little less crazy inside to know that he has some sexual affection for someone.
As F-ed up as that sounds, I can totally relate. I was actually searching hard for some sign that he left me for another woman, but no dice. Anything to help him explore his own sexuality would have been a better alternative to "I'm just not that sexual."
Quote:
Why will this one stupid act define you for a while?? Because whether she wants to or not Mrs. IC will replay this whole thing in her mind over and over and the worst part is it will be the fantasized, embellished version NOT the reality. So... if she decides she wants the gory details you better be ready to share them - Radical Honesty. You also better be ready to hear whatever she's got to say whether it is about what you did and how much it hurt or whether it is about WHY you weren't getting what you wanted out of the R when you did what you did. Is there the opportunity to Re-define yourself after this?? Absolutely but first you have to take your lumps for the hour or so in which you didn't care about anyone but yourself.
Totally agree. Sorry Mrs IC, it will be a long road ahead. Try and tell IC what you need, whether that is space, to vent, whatever.
FWIW...I'm not defending IC's actions so much as I'm defending mine. The flirting that you all see on here from IC is not reality and I took it with the grain of salt that it is. I don't want it to seem that I am just some little meek spouse following along behind her husband and letting him flirt with every girl that comes along....It's not like that. Yes, he's witty and fresh with the ladies on here, but I've never been in a situation with IC in real life where any of his comments have made me feel uncomfortable or as if he were flirting.
I'm at a loss for why this happened. This does not change things for me right now, but if you people only knew the real IC you would see how atypical this action is from him. That is what is making this all the more difficult for me.
Mrs. IC, I want to say this in a nice way but don't know how to say it other than just don't kid yourself into thinking he wouldn't do this in real life. He did! And I do not think you are weak, but you may be lacking some boundaries and communication with your H. So am I, trust me! Did you ever say to your H, I don't like the way you flirt with the women on the board? or anything like that? And if not, it makes me wonder why that was not odd or weird to you. I've done my share of flirting on this board when I first came on and it can lead to stronger feelings. Just trust me again here. I'd put a stop to that pronto.
He's breached that line of trust and now I don't know what to believe in anymore
I think this is one of the biggest factors for any of us that have been betrayed in this way Mrs IC. I have had many a conversation with my H on this matter. He told me that I was silly to believe any individual 100% - I could only trust and have faith. The example he gave was that as we hadn't had our children DNA tested we had to trust or have faith that they were ours,( i.e. they could have been swapped in hospital or some such thing). You can't be 100% about anything,(apart from your faith in God), and therefore you have to trust or have faith - am I making sense?
I find this hard but am slowly coming to terms with it. For me, understanding why my H had the A I think is the key issue. That way I can try and prevent those circumstances ocurring again - or if they do ocurr be prepared.
There's no denying it hurts and trust has been destroyed. You need to believe in yourself and your ability to be enough for Mr IC if you want to be with him, ( and from your postings I am sure you want to be with him). You are a different person from the Mrs IC who Mr IC lived with when this happened AND Mr IC learned that what he did was not an answer - in fact it muddied the waters considerably. I personally have to believe that all the hurt we have been through has shown MY H that doing what he did was stupid and that if our M wasn't enough for him in the future at least he would end that honourably before moving on.
Mrs IC, you appear to be one strong, empathetic lady, you will get where you want to be. You are stronger than this.
Re the flirting - Mrs IC I think you know your H best. I, as you know, have flirted on these boards, even with IC. I don't do that when meeting people face to face. I can completely understand what you are saying.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
FWIW...I'm not defending IC's actions so much as I'm defending mine. The flirting that you all see on here from IC is not reality and I took it with the grain of salt that it is. I don't want it to seem that I am just some little meek spouse following along behind her husband and letting him flirt with every girl that comes along....It's not like that. Yes, he's witty and fresh with the ladies on here, but I've never been in a situation with IC in real life where any of his comments have made me feel uncomfortable or as if he were flirting.
I'm at a loss for why this happened. This does not change things for me right now, but if you people only knew the real IC you would see how atypical this action is from him. That is what is making this all the more difficult for me.
MissIC, I never thought you were a weak little girl too timid to speak up if something is bothering her. I didn't explain myself well. Let me try again.
My personal philosophy is that everyone is capable of an affair, given the right circumstances. There is no magic shield, no prior pain experienced, that will suddenly make you "wise" and "unable to inflict this sort of pain on others". If you read these boards long enough you'll see more BS-turned-WS than it takes to fill a football stadium on Superbowl night. I'm very, very suspicious if someone claims this could "nevah" happen to them "because they're just Not That Sort of Chap". They get my vote for next in line for a dose of humility 101.
I'd be willing to place a lot more faith in someone who said, "yes, I've been That Sort of Chap. Hated it. Don't ever want it to happen again. But I know that I'm human, and may be weak in the future. So I'll watch myself, and my marriage, and be very careful not to place myself in dangerous situations. I'll not have intimate friendships with people of the opposite sex that don't include my spouse. I'll not go to bars, or other pick-up places, alone. I'll watch the way I communicate to people of the opposite sex, however innocently."
Because small things add up, and disaster is usually not an elaborate plan to deceive, but the collision of unfortunate circumstances combined with the failure to put in several rows of safeguards.
The question isn't really "why", it is "how". The Why's are all the same, basically, and so ingrained into our human nature that you can't ever totally eliminate them. You can fix the how's.
There, in a nutshell, is the World of Human Relationships According to SG. Did I make myself any clearer this time?
Sorry IC, but I just don't understand what the point was of even telling Mrs IC right now. Maybe I am in the minority here, but if you got tested for the STD's, and it was really a ONS, and you are sure in Yourself that it will never happen again, then why torture your W with that little tidbit. I dunno...
LFL, What's the worse of 2 evils? Torturing your wife with revealing a ONS....or sitting back and watching her torture herself over her anxieties that she thought stemmed from inside her, all the while knowing that it was me that was causing them?
Karen, I don't have a response to your post other than thank you and pretty much everything you said is what I'm trying to do now. I'm not asking anything of Miss IC...I have NO rights to ask anything of her. I'm here for her, I will continue to be here for her and answer whatever questions she may ask...and be prepared to receive the wrath of her anger.
IC, if you're very lucky, this episode will one day be something you both can look back upon, not with joy certainly, but as something that's only a small incident in a whole life together.
Sorry Southern Girl, this will never be looked back upon by me as a small incident. What I did goes against everything that I believe in. I've shattered Miss IC's trust in me and I've pretty much shattered a trust in myself. I lived with a deep pain from my dad for 20+ years....and I did nothing wrong! I didn't cause that pain. Now look at the pain....and I AM the cause - this will NEVER be small for me and it will NEVER go away.
LFL, What's the worse of 2 evils? Torturing your wife with revealing a ONS....or sitting back and watching her torture herself over her anxieties that she thought stemmed from inside her, all the while knowing that it was me that was causing them?
My only thought is that she must have been experiencing the anxiety because You were giving off anxiety vibes about the A. kwim? She knew something was up because you were acting odd. So you didn't tell her abou the A to relieve her anxiety, you told her to relieve your own anxiety. I'm not blaming you, but let's call a spade a spade. You knew this would cause WWIII and you did it anyways. Why, only you can answer.
So you didn't tell her about the A to relieve her anxiety, you told her to relieve your own anxiety.
LFL,
Look at Miss IC's little red wagon thread and you'll see that Miss IC specifically said that she was worried because she sensed their was something IC wasn't telling her. It was specifically worrying her and she asked to be told so she could be included in his life.
ETA: Granted I'm guessing her concern was more that the unknown issue was health related...
Last edited by fearless; 12/20/0708:12 PM.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
Yes, but my point is where did that "sense" come from? I'm not saying he shouldn't have told her considering she already new something was up. He probably had to tell her at that point. But this is much more than a ONS. That event represented something to him and it is THAT which is the real issue.
LFL, What's the worse of 2 evils? Torturing your wife with revealing a ONS....or sitting back and watching her torture herself over her anxieties that she thought stemmed from inside her, all the while knowing that it was me that was causing them?
My only thought is that she must have been experiencing the anxiety because You were giving off anxiety vibes about the A. kwim? She knew something was up because you were acting odd. So you didn't tell her abou the A to relieve her anxiety, you told her to relieve your own anxiety. I'm not blaming you, but let's call a spade a spade. You knew this would cause WWIII and you did it anyways. Why, only you can answer.
LFL
Ok, fair assumption and I'm not going to dispute you...I can't. My intentions where not to relieve my anxieties and contrary to what my actions define...I have a tremendous love for my wife and to stop from seeing her being eaten alive by her anxiety, IMO, I had to reveal the root cause of it. Yes it hurt her, yes I was wrong, yes I did this and that blah, blah blah... The truth remains the same....I did it and I can't change that. Am I remorseful? Yes, and not the old line "remorseful that it was discovered" I knew it was wrong beforehand, I knew it was wrong as it was occuring, remorseful enough to leave right in the middle of it....it doesn't change a thing! I did it and I'm to blame. And whatever Miss IC decides, I'll have to live and respect that decision. LFL, what is it you want to hear from me? I'm not upset....I'm lost!
