Waiting for WAW to come back, patience is a virtue

[ms ladybug]

Hey Dave,
I can totally understand the loneliness. It's natural especially now to want someone to be with. Christmas, New Year's, then Valentines Day. Not to mention the cold, rainy weather which always makes me want to spend cuddling with someone warm.
But, before you jump, take this time to work out your issues. You'll be much more prepared for a relationship when you do this. It is true that your w might get scared that she's losing you if you start dating, but is that what you really want? I'd say GAL, and let her see that.

Spend this time with your kids. What a precious age. Sounds like both our kids are the same age!

[DaveJ]

ladybug, great advice. I do plan to straighten me out first. I don't believe I'm ready for any sort of new relationship. I'm not even sure if I have the heart for anything casual ATM. Maybe no pressure friends type of stuff.... Heck, I need some friends....

You have the flip of what I have. My D turns 2 this Saturday. They just grow up so fast.... My D doesn't say much coherent yet but she sure has an attitude. :P

[ms ladybug]

Oh I just love toddler-attitude! My s can get so intense!

Girls are awesome too, wait till she starts rolling her eyes at you. Wonder where my daughter picked up that from.

[DaveJ]

Yeah I already see all the little expressions she has that's practically a mirror image of my W. Maybe that's why I kinda favor her a little more. :P Not that I don't love my S equally, but I just feel I have a more special bond with her that I can't explain.

[FLTC]

Dave,

First, thanks for the support form me here in Iraq. Your w. adn mine sound a lot alike, except for the OM. There is not one of those....yet!

I, like you cannot understand how they can just turn off a switch like that. Love is a choice after a while, not a feeling.

Before I deployed, I was in a bar one night having dinner and a guy with short hair sat next to me at the bar. As he opened his wallet, I saw the military ID, so we started to talk. He came back from Iraq last year. His first night home, his wife had sex with him, and in the morning told him she wanted a divorce. No discussion...nothing. He had a great line which applies to all the attractiveness of a supposedly "exciting" new relationship.

He told me: "One you start doing bills, sharing the commode and cleaning up vomit from a sick kid at 4AM, the "magic" does wear off". To your WAW: Here's to a new year of vomiting children, bills and commodes!

Not that I wish your wife ill, but what is wrong with these WAWs. If you have patience, check out my Christmas thread from last year to see the kicks to the head I took. Our closest friends thought I was an "abused husband". I really have lost patience for it. The DB...all of it. I have seen some realy successes here, and most of them were when the LBS decided it was over and really started to get on with their lives. ****edited by sg******* Your W continues to threaten the D, but has not pulled the trigger...curious.

[DaveJ]

FLTC, yeah apparently potential OM stopped wanting to talk with W. Apparently he is a "strong Christian", whatever that's suppose to mean, and no longer wants to even be friends with W after finding out she's married. Ironically they met at the "strictly platonic" section of Craigslist. Obviously this guy was looking for more than just platonic... I'm wondering if it's his value thats stopping him, or realizing that because my W is still married, his hidden agendas won't be met or at least not as quickly and not worth his time. That's the reason W really started pushing for D. She's getting all the paperworks and etc now unlike before. I guess the being married status is hampering her after feeling rejection from the guy. Of course he still texts her and say hi, but won't hold conversations with her ATM. I'm wondering if he'll come back in the picture once the D goes through. Of course if he's really a supposedly strong Christian, he should know the scripture and tell my W to go back and fix the M because she has no grounds for a D at all, period. According to a pastor I talked to, even if W gets a D legally, in God's eyes the M still stands because she doesn't have any grounds to have the D. But, that's for God to judge and not me. Bottom line is if it's not this guy it would be someone else. She is determined to be with someone else for whatever reason. She just wants to be "happy". Me, I still have a lot of thinking to do about what I want and where do I want to go with my life. I'm fighting the urge to do something to not feel so alone. If I did that and jumped right into dating, then I would be doing exactly what she is doing. Fixing long term issues with short term solution. I really need to figure out how I can be ok and happy by myself. After all, if I can't do that, I won't have a healthy relationship with whomever it may be....

[DaveJ]

So the W got strep throat. Kinda sucks right before xmas. Although, I wonder if it's God giving me an opportunity to show her the real me.... I've been taking care of the kids and her. Sleeping on the floor at my own house is certainly better than sleeping somewhere else not with my family. I did probe a little and asked her if she sees any hope with us sometimes in the future. She said that from what she's seen the last few days of me she feels there's more hope. She said she's seeing a different side of me. Truthfully I'm not being that much different than being just me. She's just so blinded by her resentment and pain that she chooses not to see me. I know she's still pressing the D and still wants to get involved with someone else. But I think that if she can continue to see the person I have become/becoming and if I continue to be consistent, maybe, just maybe she'll let go of that anger sooner. After that, who knows.....

Is it bad for me to pray to God that whomever she meets are jerks? I guess that's not very nice is it? I would suppose if God means for her to come back he will guide her back.... And I just have to be consistent and keep doing what I think is right in my heart.

[sgctxok]

FTLC,

The book you mention frequently is not recommended and we remove related posts. Most of his techniques are detrimental to relationships, especially marriages. He mentions Michele but she does not recommend his work.

Furthermore, he goes by various names on the internet, etc.

[DaveJ]

So, the W has decreed that she would do everything possible to keep the kids in state and near me. And if she marries someone he has to be ok with not moving out of state. And if he has to, they would have to do it LD until he can figure out a way back. I wonder how many men would go for that. W says the kids and this family is important to her. So I said, if you are going to go through that extent in keeping us together, don't you think maybe making us work would be worth it? If the family is that important to you, maybe keeping it together would be something you should think about? I told her that once she let go of her anger/resentment, maybe she should seriously think about us. She said maybe.... So this is how logical a WAS is.... If she is going to that extent to want to keep us together, isn't it more logical to work on us and make that work? I give up trying to make any more sense of this.....

[SirPrizeMe]

DaveJ, there is no sense in any of it.
Maybe you are pressing too much by asking all of these questions?

So I said, if you are going to go through that extent in keeping us together, don't you think maybe making us work would be worth it?

This is my own perspective, for what it is worth: maybe you should just make the observation instead of adding the suggestion? Like,

Gee, that seems like a lot of effort to keep the family together; I appreciate that.

(without saying "Maybe working on US would be worth it?")

This feels like it would be less pressure on her, to me. But what do I know?