State of Mind

[fooled again]

Hi BeingMe,

I too am horribly loyal. And I am an optimist who tries to understand things from other people's point of view. This is a brutal combination, as I have been trying to see the good in my H, be true to my promise (the temptation for revenge is enticing) and try to understand him and his motivations. Is this my way to gain some power over my sitch? Perhaps, but it is mentally and emotionally exhausting. I don't know how well I'll fare after a few years of this. Reading your posts forces me to project a bit into my future and imagine the rest of my life should I choose to continue along this path. And what I see in your posts is that this is a lifelong endeavour, that it won't simply end the day he comes home, nor will I wake up one morning and everything will just be the way I want it to be. Wouldn't that be nice? If life were a movie...

I do hope that one day my H and I will rediscover the comfort we once found in each other, friendship and trust and ease. We truly were friends, as well as lovers, for a very long time before all of this, and it makes me despair the thought that we may have lost that friendship, even though we still love each other. I am not so naive as to think I will ever forget - not me, impossible. I am cursed with a vivid imagination and have been apprised of far too many details of the A (thanks in part to the OW); how fortunate for me! I just hope that my memories fade enough that I can keep moving forward and stop pausing to look back. And I guess I will only know that in time. Patience not being one of my virtues, I feel I am in for a long haul.

I sense that my H is on board with DB-ing, but it is early yet to see how much effort he will put in, and I suppose that's partly up to me, how much I can give back to him for his efforts. My H pretty much hit rock bottom because of his A, losing his job, friends, acquiring debt, the list goes on. He has alot of personal work to do in addition to work on our M, but I suppose that's really what DB-ing is all about. In the meantime, I have to do my own personal work, set new GAL goals, and try not to be obsessed with my M. My D6 is wonderful for helping me to keep things in perspective. I try to remember to be the kind of role model she needs to see in order to grow into a well adjusted young woman.

I think maybe you can help me in my sitch, though I don't know about avoiding pitfalls - I tend to be stubborn about advice and learn best from mistakes - but definitely getting another perspective would be helpful. I have discovered in this process that friends just can't give me that. In fact, with a couple of friends, I've had to step back from the friendship, for now anyway, because they simply cannot support the fact that I won't just walk away from my M.

I thought you might be on the Left Coast of Canada. I am as well, but on the Mainland (and I don't mind the personal question). I also noted that you are an artist. I lean in that direction, though as not in the way I earn my living, more as a hobby. I am reminded that I need to get back into my art as part of my GAL goals.