I have a simple question for you. What did you do to contribute to the marital difficulties? Anyone who doesn't answer that question first, will not be successful in saving their marriage.
I think our love life grew stale. I was going to bed earlier because of my new job. We were making love on weekends, 3 times a week most times. I am a somewhat critical person and I have said some mean things to her. We spent a lot of energy on the kids. I am a little anal about cleaning, bedtimes, that kind of stuff. In C I agreed with her about a lot of her complaints and was willing to change those habits. She said I was taking her for granted, didn't plan any time with her, controlling. She was definitley right about my lack of planning... we went out with the family a lot(2 cruises, road trips to minn, nc, boston). the two of us went to vegas, a cruise, but she planned most of the trips 100%. I was the driver and the muscle. But she seemed to enjoy it so I let her handle it. She said I took her for granted when i didn't notice she lost 15 lbs. I told her I loved her body any way it was...but I guess i did take her for granted....but every bday, valentines,Christmas I bought cards and gifts--never forgot a anniversary, etc. I could be controlling in some ways but let her travel to NY with her sister, go to east coast shopping with friends...never complained or said "no"...she used to hate me going out onMonday nights with the guys for Football. She would be pissed all the time. But I would blow it off...I told her to have an all girls night out..but she couldn't et her friends to do it. I know I screwed up in a lot of ways but I just want a chance to change...I can do it, but maybe it's too late...I offered to stop the football but she didn't want her brother and my friends to think she was a bitch.
H 42 W 37 M17 T20 years 3 daughters 11,11,14 seperated 11/26/07 EA neighbor/ moved in w/ him 2/8 Filed for D 01/08 finalized soon
I layed it all out there, I mean it's true but I didn't consider it to be excessive. Most of our friends and family are shocked. They think we had a great marriage....not perfect but pretty good. This is why I blame the mlc--there are a lot of components..work being a big one. My W is a realtor and made about 25% of her normal pay for the last two years. I knew it was bothering her but I never pressured her and always supported her (told her it wasn't her, it was the market, etc.) I feel our R problems were something that needed to be fixed but was very fixable but she Dropped the bomb and turned negative on everything I tried to do. Flowers, cards, offers of dates, going away with me handling everything...nothing was good. I wasn't sure if it was the job, hormones, the neighbor, me --or a bit of all of it.....it was and still is overwhelming.
H 42 W 37 M17 T20 years 3 daughters 11,11,14 seperated 11/26/07 EA neighbor/ moved in w/ him 2/8 Filed for D 01/08 finalized soon
For the most part, people are not privy to the private feelings of others. Once the bomb drops, it is out in the open and it is no longer necessary to keep up the facade. I know what you mean, but what I was told was too little too late. So yes, I can see how everything turned negative.
Now think to your DB book. Michele tells us we can't control another, only ourselves. Also, she says we have to change. That is what you have today. That is what you control.
As for MLC, so many of the components can be applicable to people just living their lives. Sometimes, there are a lot of things I consider tobe positive associated with MLC. I mean take comeone who is overweight, wants more excitement from life and not happy with a good job and they do the following - lose weight, start a new career, change their dress, going back to a hobby that they dropped 20 years ago due to family, go whitewater rafting, shaving your bald head, etc, etc, etc. See what I mean.
This is about you Patrick. Always consider your children. Look at what you want for you.
I don't know. I would like to have more friends. Maybe be passionate about something--a hobby or whatever. But I always felt when I was married that I needed to spend time with my family. And my wife would always nag if I spent time with my friends. As a couple we didn't have too many friends. Mostly family friendship is what we spent time on; her parents, brother, sister, etc. Actually, this neighbor(and hi GF) were almost the only non-family couple we hung out with...and look what happened with that! Other than those things I was satisfied having my family and taking care of the house and work. Maybe I do need to find something to be passionate about...I just have to figure it out.
H 42 W 37 M17 T20 years 3 daughters 11,11,14 seperated 11/26/07 EA neighbor/ moved in w/ him 2/8 Filed for D 01/08 finalized soon
