Last night my H actually talked to me for a long time. Told me he hadn't felt loved by me. Said I didn't make myself vulnerable enough. I guess I have my protective armor on too often. So I'm trying to show my vulnerability more and allow myself to get hurt. I'm giving first and not demanding things. That's why I'm telling you maybe it's ok to open up with the risk of getting hurt.
I'm going to suggest you read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It might really open you eyes to how you can go about showing love to your husband and how he can feel it. After reading it try to think about yourself and how you feel it. Then think about him. Then see if you can get him to tell you what makes him feel loved.
If anything this will help you and your relationships in the future no matter how your future ends up.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
I'd love to get some advice here...my sitch is basically LRT and wife made no-fault D papers month ago. She has no chance of winning a fault D and can't get no-fault without me signing. Anyhow, we started dating today, got married friday, and 3 days later will be x-mas eve when she brings 5D at 8:00pm. I have thought to have WAW open her gifts from 5D on x-mas eve. The only other idea I am considering is to ask if she wants to stay to help be Santa or see what I got 5D for x-mas. I am scared to do anything because it will be pursuing and worse push her away some more. Suggestions?
Gonna let the pros handle this one. I will say this much: Came out of a one month darkness today. Big mistake. HUGE mistake. There's a guy who just posted advice on one of these threads and it sounds like real good advice. Going to look for it and come back.
My WAW was very irrational and excessively angry last night due to a simple misunderstanding with 5D's school and pickup. So, I am fairly certain that, other than WAW opening gifts from 5D x-mas eve at my house, the visit will be short and she probably will not even care to do or see anything because it involves me. I can hope and pray but I should just be detached and indifferent.
Went thru the same thing yesterday. It was ugly. A 3 hour verbal e-mail battle. Got it all including "I'm seeing someone" to which I responded "Fine, he can help you pay for the divorce because I'm not paying a dime"
...Had to run out. To finish my above post, I will say this: There is something to be said about going NC as I learned yesterday. W is an alien right now with the resentment and all the trimmings. I broke the golden rule about engaging in an argument and I dropped the gloves and let my emotions get to me. No call for her to hit below the belt like she did, but I was wrong too. Trust me: It was a toe to toe 15 round slugfest trading one blow after another. It was nasty. Back to Step 1 and right now I don't care what happens. Anyway read the post by Preserve. It is an EXCELLENT, intelligent source of advice....something I should have read a few times. Anyway, I think W and I have emptied our bags of insults and she is probably also mentally exhausted as I am. I think the fires will burn out after some time and then we will see what happens. I know one thing: For my sit, Going Dark is the method to use here. I'm staying below the radar and working on myself and put the remains of the marriage on autopilot. If it smacks into a mountain, oh well. If it somehow lands safely, ok. JMW128: DO NOT fall into the same trap as I did on Christmas Eve. I cannot stress this enough. If she starts on you, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT as Preserve mentions in his post and I suggest you read it. Its tough for everybody here right now especially with Christmas looming so we just have to keep our wits about us, support each other, and just ride the storm out.
Bearsfan, I'm so sorry that the email backfired. You're right, your wife is an alien. She's not the woman you married. I'm going through the same thoughts. "Who is this man? I don't like him..." There is so much anger, and such vile words spoken, that it just can't be my husband talking to me. Well, now you know what to do. Going dark, my friend, is the only thing that's going to help you right now. Keeping reading that post that gives such good advice, and keep visiting us here for support. We all know...unfortunately, we all know.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
Yup! It was quite the battle. I've been in fist fights in my younger years that were pleasant compared to yesterdays battles. LOL! I did get alot off of my chest although nobody wins these battles in the end and they sure don't help in getting back together although I hope that we don't talk for at least a couple of months now. I'm 70/30 on wanting to get back together eventually but now is just not the time. Going to talk to a coach in January and get some input from an unbiased, outside source and see what he/she says. My decision making has seen better days so what the hell. Geeeez. Now I know what people on here mean by 'aliens' At first I thought is was just exaggeration and such and I laughed. Uh, I'm not laughing anymore.
I made the mistake the other night of allowing my WAW to release her anger on me. It was clear my wife was not going to talk, especially when she hung up before talking to 5D. Instead I called her back. Just insanely stupid. Of course the alien, or as I prefer the demon, answered. Just set myself up for it. Just going as dark as possible, maybe that will take the anger out of her.
As far as holidays, WAW will open her gifts from 5D's at my house x-mas eve at 8:00. Anything else, such as Santa or what I got 5D, I just have to wait and see. I expect she will leave as quickly as possible. I expect she will do nothing that would give me a hint of hope.
Well, we texted a little today and although some bickering, this time I defused it and we signed off with a positive closing. Actually I signed off first and did throw a 180 without realizing it until I did it. The 180 being instead of lately ending conversations with insults, I told her to have fun at her familys house and that I still owe a few hundred on a credit card in her name that I will take over the payments until I pay my share. Sooooooooo. That friendly sign-off I'm sure got her attention. Now: Back to going dark for awhile and let the positive convo linger. Oh yeah: And DB coach soon. Why not? This is a nice challenge(thats the light I'm putting it in to keep somewhat sane)and I still do love my alien, uh, I mean wife although she just may be the Anti-Christ. Hmmmm...so what does that make me?? Probably insane.
