Nice Move IC....Real Nice !

[fearless]

Hey IC,

Just thinking a little more. First off I don't have any experience with finding out about a ONS but rather being told by my XH about a 9 month physical affair on Christmas Eve day before he went to tell OW that it was over. As hard as finding out about a long term affair is, I have to say that finding out about a ONS must feel just as bad. First and foremost I will say, from my POV, that telling her, especially because she did sense something was wrong, was the right thing to do. Preferably you could have done it much sooner like when you and Miss IC had really started to reconnect. But you can't do anything about that now.

It is something that you have done and that you and Miss IC both have to live with. Personally I would rather be in Miss IC's shoes than your because I cannot imagine the guilt and shame of doing something so, I assume, counter to your core beliefs.

As far as how you are defined??? Well that's two separate issues. You will have to work at how you define yourself and like it or not this is a part of you now. The question is will you make this a turning point in your life? Is this something you did once and learned a lesson the hard way from? Miss IC will have to answer for herself whether this redefines you for her. And if I were you, I wouldn't be asking her to make that decision quickly. Remember she is dealing with the hurt and pain of betrayal AND the fact that she probably never thought of you as capable of doing such a thing. Even if she can forgive and see you as the husband she knows you want to be, it won't be something she can just do overnight.

If I were you, I'd be doing a lot more looking at yourself right now. I would make sure that Miss IC knows exactly how much you love her, how much you regret your mistake and what you are willing to do to prove it to her for the rest of your lives. I would also make sure that you are ready for all her anger and, which may be worse for you as it was for my XH, all of her sadness. There is a lot of grief she is feeling. While I'm sure you are feeling grief too, I hope you can understand that her grief needs to be recognized by you and respected. [ETA: She might later recognize your grief also but right now you shouldn't be looking for or expecting any recognition from her on your grief. ]

FWIW, I think more XH was so destroyed by the pain and shame of what he had done that he couldn't lift himself out of the hole he dug. Even when I accepted him back to work on the marriage, he quickly went back into blaming me and the marriage for his mistakes because I think it was just too painful to deal with his own issues and shame. While I had never imagined him capable of an affair and such deceit, I don't think he had imagined himself capable of it either and I don't think he handled it well at all. So what I'm trying to say is for you to keep your head on straight because you are really the only one who can deal directly with what happened and if you can really figure it out and KNOW that you won't ever let it happen again, then at least Miss IC can focus on how she wants to handle it from there. And sorry to say there is not much you can really do other than love her and be there for her. In the end it's simply her decision to make.