Recently Married into a sexless marriage

[sat567]

Cue the tape. newlywed - These posts are to two different guys who were engaged to be married, but who came here after seeing the "red flags" that you ignored ("Almost as soon as I gave her the engagement ring our sex instantly dried up"). Read them and seriously consider annulment.

Oh my goodness, Scott. I wish I were you. I am married to your fiance's twin. Same issues; same arguments; same unwillingness to admit any ownership of the problem; same insistence that, if I just relax and "not focus on sex" that it may or may not get better, but I must love her just the same and concentrate on "growing closer."

Here are the differences between your sitch and mine: We are married. We have one child together, and I have three kids from a prior marriage who view her as a great stepmom. There are other differences, probably, but those are the main ones, and, to me, the only relevant ones.

Scott, if I didn't have children in common with my W, I would divorce her. Don't get me wrong...I love this woman. But, like you, I don't feel particularly loved BY her. Oh sure, she insists that she loves me, and she wants me to be confident of her love for me. But to me, those are empty words that match the feeling in my heart. It shouldn't be a battle just to get your wife to admit that your needs are valid. It shouldn't be a battle just to touch and be touched. Sex, as I recall, can be quite fun.

But not with a woman like your GF or my W. The only "fun" thing about sex with them is remembering how good it used to be. The fun disappears when you compare it with current reality.

And what is up with their insistence that, if we just don't "focus on sex" for some indeterminate period of time, the problems will be solved? And, like you, when you intentionally avoid the subject of sex for weeks or months, absolutely nothing happens. You don't feel closer to her because, well, you need the physical contact in order to feel close. And she doesn't feel any closer to you because she can get inside your head and she knows you are full of anger and resentment over the whole issue. Of course, you can't talk about it with her because it involves sex and that is the very subject you're supposed to NOT BE FOCUSING ON.

(sidenote: Do they fail to understand that by telling us NOT to focus on something, it begins to engulf us? It's like telling the guy holding the armload of boxes to ignore his itching nose.)

You say that her "plan" puts most of the effort on your lap. Welcome to my world, Scott. It is up to you to make your GF's world perfect, after which, she may or may not grace you with the gift of her body. And if she does grace you with the gift, don't go thinking that everything is hunky dory. No, my friend. While you weren't looking, while you were in bed with her, the boulder rolled all the way down the hill again. The wheel was un-invented. Get out of bed and start pushing the boulder up the hill again. Start re-inventing the wheel. There is no room for complacency. There is no time to enjoy the afterglow. Get moving.

Is it worth it? Can you look at yourself in the mirror, Scott, and say, "dude, you are exactly where you want to be today! You are in a great relationship with a great woman who, despite her faults, you love deeply. And, despite your faults, she loves you, and shows her love in the way that you want. You are fortunate." Or do you look in the mirror and furrow your brow and say, "dude, it's got to better than this."

I envy you. To me, your path is so clear ahead of you. One road shows me years of effort and frustration and sadness and anger and resentment. The other road...well, who the f#ck cares what the other road looks like? It's another road. And, if it sucks, then you take another. Or another.

You are in your mid-30s. Believe it or not, that's young. You are not married.

I am clearly biased, but I say, go join the land of the living.

And, from a more recent one:

Dude. Seriously.

I always have to initiate it, and most of the time I get shot down.

That hurts, doesn't it?

I have to be persistent and almost beg for it.

Begging. Now, I bet that's a real turn-on for her.

She tells me that my timing is bad, but I have tried it at all different times of the day, morning/night.

Your timing IS bad. Your "time" was the first year of the relationship. Now, it's her time, and you're wasting it by begging for sex. Oh, and here's a clue: it will NEVER BE YOUR TIME AGAIN.
Quote:

I have tried to explain to her over and over that having sex with her is how I stay connected and loved. She says she understands, but doesn't really take any action. . . .She makes light of the fact that sex is how I connect with her, she thinks I'm just a horny typical guy,

Here's another clue: It's not that she thinks you're a "horny typical guy". It's that she doesn't care about you, your wants, your needs, your desires, your wishes. Everything she tells you: wrong time of day to approach me for sex, you're a horny typical guy, "no", "maybe later", "not now", etc, she tells you to get you to STOP WANTING SEX.

So, you're having sex once a week with a woman who does not want to have sex with you. Chew that for a bit. Tasty? No? Bitter? Yep. Well, just like gum that has lost its flavor, it's not going to magically get tasty again.

The "horny typical guy" comment is particularly disturbing to me. When you heard that the first time, were you inclined to deny it? Who wants to be considered "typical"? Plus, wasn't she saying it in response to your comment that "having sex with her is how I stay connected and loved"? So, in actuality she was saying, "you are telling me bullsh!t to try to manipulate me into having sex with you, which is a strategy used by most men, and such men only use touchy-feely words like 'stay connected' in order to fool women into having sex with them in hopes of a better 'connection', because typical men think that typical women want a 'connection.'"

Maybe, when she said that you were a "typical horny guy", you tried even harder to convince her that it was about love, and that you really aren't some kind of savage and it's not about the pleasure that you derive, but rather, about the deep feelings you have for each other, and how you wish to only share it with her, blah blah blah.

Meanwhile, she is thinking, "hah...got him on the defensive already, and he's busy trying to argue his way out of the "typical horny guy" bag I just put him in, and, frankly, I couldn't care less about what bag he's in, just as long as I don't have to fark him today. Mission accomplished."

You don't want to leave her because you "love her," but I don't think you'd be here, asking advice on this issue if you truly loved her and wanted to be married to her. Because, if you truly loved her and wanted to be married to her, then you'd accept her as she is, without any reservations, without any desire to change her. (and then you could spend the REST OF YOUR MARRIED LIFE being HAPPY with her, and not concerned at all that you haven't had sex with her for MONTHS. Or YEARS. Believe me, what is inconceivable for you right now, will become your reality. If you're okay with that, then ding dong wedding bells are ringing, and best wishes and mazel tov to you.)

Sorry if this seems harsh. Basically, I just wanted to tell you to GET OUT NOW. I guess I got a little wordy.

'Nuff said.

Hairdog