Ex told me when he met maggot that they both "UNDERSTOOD" each other and what they were going through.
I just got this one last week. My H told me he always felt like the child in our M. (me being the parent) He thought when he met OW she was like him, another child. Carefree and like in mind to him. He said, now he feels like she is so helpless that he is the parent and its no fun. I laughed in my head..welcome to my world. We went on to talk about maybe good M involves two adults.
I do think they look for someone like them and opposite their spouse. It is not always a healthy opposite.
I totally agree. Both my WAS and her OM were NOT the "goldenchild" in their families. For WAS it was her older brother, for OM it was his older brother.
"The answers are within you" (can't remember who). Unfortunately, so is the bullshit.
I've come up with my own answer. I'm going to take my kids on her week. Not for her, not so she can go on a trip with OM, but for my kids. So they won't have to stay with a sitter and feel they were cheated of 1/2 of their Christmas break. I've been sitting here thinking about my daughter. She knocked on the window as I was leaving WAW's house after dropping them off tonight. She got my attention just to wave goodbye. That is what is really important. The children. It doesn't matter what WAW does or how she percieves what I'm doing. The only thing that matters is the children.
"The answers are within you" (can't remember who). Unfortunately, so is the bullshit.
Exactly! The children will remember who was there for them.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I read your post last night but had mixed feelings about the answer. The answer is obvious, of course, though - do what is best for your children. Strengthen your bond with them.
She is "acting out". Misbehaving. As you say - waving goodbye to you. (more like thumbing her nose). But remember - it is the kids' feelings that matter most. They don't want to be caught in the shuffle. They don't want to feel like no one wants them. They want and need a dad they can depend on.
Point is - she will go with or without your help. She can't see beyond her own selfishness. Look the other way and plan some fun things with your children. This is actually a "GIFT" to you.
My Ex has done so little for our children. But I have more than made up for it emotionally, physically and financially. They know who was always there for them. And I am blessed for it. Do you know that I almost wrote out a Christmas card to him yesterday THANKING him for the gift of these 3 children. (I thought better of it as it would be misread no doubt). But I got the gift. I have a great R with my kids.
Always do what your heart tells you with respect to your kids. It rarely fails you.
My C told me exactly the same thing. You were the adult in the relationship. Someone had to be. Not only did we have 3 children, but one of them had serious, life threatening medical concerns. And it is ongoing. H was just not up to it.
Did your ex ever call you "Mom". I HATED when he said that. I told him I was a wife not a mother to him. I think he felt he lost out in childhood (says his mother never told him she loved him). It was his dad that was a writeoff - alcoholic, distant - guess that's what teen parents of 6 kids can be like.
Maggot is a spoiled child. Her ex told me her dad gave her everything and she never had to work at it. Said he treated her like a princess but it wasn't enough. She wanted more. Says she saw my house, my cars and especially my daughter (she only had a son) and she wanted all of those things. Funny thing is - yes she got the husband (what a treat he is) and the convertible (its now 15 years old and he can't afford a new one). I kept the rest. And I honestly think the blinders are starting to come off and they can now see what they got.
I never was called "Mom" until his affair. Seems the OW reffered to me as his mommy. Not doubt he was feeding her that. I have always thought of my husband as a smart, capable man. But he doesn't see himself that way... and therein lies the problem. The OW he is with is also a LBS. She was utterly depend on her X. She saw my H as a warm body and a meal ticket, still does. He is beginning to get that. I don't know if that will be enough. He may decided he likes that role. Time will tell.
Short1: I think sometimes when you take the "reality" out of the situation, it becomes mostly fun and games. Reality, meaning - real life stuff - kids, illness, aging parents, bills etc. Oh, I'm sure they have the bills - maggot has the clothes to prove it, but the rest - its just Love Love Love. Blah Blah Blah. And they SO believe this. My ex's answer to everything is "Because she loves me". Its like in all that time - we didn't love them.
My timeframe when we split was the same as yours. I joined the bb during the first week of Nov (in 01) - my bb idenitity was changed once. But my ex and I were together 30 years, married for 25. SO friggin unbelievable!
I appreciate your comments to my post as your experience and wisdom are evident in everything you say here.
Brief clarification (as George Patton said, "If it can be misunderstood, it will be misunderstood").
It was not WAW that was standing at the window, tapping and waving goodbye as I walked down the driveway, it was DD8. It was one of those "hallmark moments" which are much more poignent in real life than on a tv commercial.
My daughter has been my inspiration and source of strength throughout this whole ordeal. She commented once after overhearing my prayer that my wife be returned to me, "GOD says you're going to get your wife back". Another time after WAW and I had a fight the kids heard she said, "Thanks for standing up for us dad".
And as I mentioned she also showed me the answer to the question, "Should I keep her and her brother on WAW's week"?
It was this same litle girl that stood up to a child molester and got him sent away to prison.
Need I say more?
"The answers are within you" (can't remember who). Unfortunately, so is the bullshit.
Sleeper: You must be the very proud dad as you have obviously done a wonderful job of raising a most amazing, well aware little girl. She is extremely astute. Listen to her - she is one smart cookie. Her future depends on you, but you are wise to take your cues from her.
In situtations like yours (and mine) the WAS usually ends up being a writeoff for a time. Sometimes a long time. This is when we need to step up to the plate and remember that our children didn't ask to be born. And they have no more control over what is happening in front of their very eyes, than we do. But they can be more deeply affected by it.
Sleeper, I have 3 children of my own, but I have worked with app 3,000. And divorce is a recurrent theme among so many families. And so many children get lost in the shuffle. Don't let that happen to yours. They are your most precious gift from God.
You can't change what your wife has done/will do or the effect it has on your kids, but you need to protect them the best you can and keep your focus on them - they need you more now than they ever did. So many people get caught up in their own lives, their own hurt, the unfairness of it all, that they lose sight of what is happening to their own kids.
You never know how it will all turn out. Just keep doing the best you can. And wait and see.
